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The people in my life closest have hurt me the most.

So when I was a little girl about 3 going on to four I believe, I used to live with my mom and older brother, my mom's colleague at work and her son and youngest daughter. We all lived together in one house and my mom and _ went to school together. I was left with my brother and the guy and his sister at the house. Before we used to have a nanny. Anyway, one time we all played at the playground and I loved going down the slide. But a couple times when I went down the slide the guy would put his finger on my crotch, and I was very confused as to why he would do that. So I told him not to do that because I believe at that time I would think it was uncomfortable. But anyway he stopped doing it but when he would carry me up the slide, he would slide me up his crotch. I remember thinking why he would do that. I remember not liking him ever since. Anyways, fast forward to today, I kept feeling so uncomfortable whenever I would run into him or see him. His presence somehow has an affect towards me but I don't know if this it's just me or because of what happened. But before I go any further, I found out as I grew up that he is actually a close relative, a close cousin, on my dad's side. Today, I feel even more confusion cause I feel like I couldn't find the right time to confront him about this now that I am an adult, I am 22, I felt even more scared to approach him, cause of what his response would be. But he recently passed away from a terrible accident just last month.The only person I told this to, is my boyfriend.

Along the time of growing up, I was inappropriately touched by my maternal uncle who was in high school that time. We all spent the night at our aunt's house, and that morning we played hide and seek. Before we began, I sat on this rocking chair and my paternal uncle hid behind the chair and touched my crotch and so I quickly got up and ran to the room to be with the rest of my cousins. After a while we finally played hide and seek, I remember running to hide in the bathroom, but at the same time I wanted to pee, and he rushed in and closed the door and locked it. I was startled, but all in the same split second that I gasped, he bent down and pinned his arm to both of my thighs and just licked my private area. I was so scared and jumped down from the toilet seat and cried, running to the living room. I remember him telling me that he was just helping me. I don't know why he would say that but I was too afraid to say anything. He said he would deny it if I say anything. I was still in elementary school that time like either 8 or 9. I remember looking at my other cousins to see if they would ask why I was crying but none of them did so then I decided to stay quiet. I haven't told this to anyone ever since.

Another time, my older and drunk uncle somehow lied to me and manipulated me to follow him and brought me to a remote area where my school used to be and licked my cheek and tried to lick my chest area but at that time I was still in elementary school, and he also kept breathing down on my face. I screamed and yelled but i couldn't be any louder. Then, finally my cousins finally heard me, cause I mustered up the courage and yelled at the top of my lungs. They took me and we left, I was so traumatized I believe cause I remember going in and out of consciousness. This is the first time I told someone about what happened, cause I told my mom and she got furious. I don't know what really happened when she confronted him and still to this day I never talked about it.

Remember that maternal uncle I mentioned, he inappropriately touched my private area, but this time his mother found out and told me not to say anything to my parents. Cause if I did I would be the one getting in trouble cause I asked for it. What the hell? To this day, I feel so much hatred for them both. I am scared I might be hurting myself more for feeling this way. Is it wrong for me to feel like this?! So he is my maternal uncle, but ever since I was born I was adopted to both my biological mom's parents so basically my biological mom is my sister now, and so my maternal uncle is my 1st cousin cause his mom is my mom's younger sister. So this makes me so pissed cause I want to tell my mom everything but I feel like I would just burden her. Is this normal?

Another time when I was young, my 2 first cousins (both boys) on my dad side used to stay next to us. Our house was connected and they stayed in one room with their parents. One time I think our parents went into town to buy groceries or something and I remember staying home so I went to their room and we chilled. But then it became really weird for me so I left. They suggested we play wrestling and so we did cause we usually did before, but this time it was just us three in their room. They started pushing me around and they would literally slide me up their crotch, pin me against the walls and push themselves onto me and that made me uncomfortable and so I ran to exit the room and they tried holding me back and luckily our oldest male cousin came and scolded them. I didn't say anything else about what happened to this day.

Now fast forward to 2-3  years ago from today, I believe I was raped. Because one night I drank and I fell asleep at my aunt's house. Everyone were sleeping and that morning I felt someone breathing heavily over me, I resisted as much as I could from letting my cousin have his way with me, but eventually I couldn't anymore and I just cried while he put it inside me. Ever since that morning that it happened, I feel so little when I see him, and I feel so jumpy whenever I see him or when he approaches and talks to me. But on top of everything, we grew up together, he's practically my brother. But after what happened, I don't feel the same way about him. He is my first cousin on my mom's side. He has inappropriately rubbed my pants where my private area is, once when we were both in elementary school, I think I was in 5th and he was 6th. But I threatened to beat his ass back then if he came near me. Then, years later, this happened and nothing is the same anymore.

I can't stress this enough, after writing almost everything that happened to me negatively when I was little till now, a piece of me feels a little relief. I swear to God, these are my stories and I am thankful for anyone who wants to share a thought. I want to tell everything to my mom or someone at least, but I am afraid. I feel that all these things have made me struggle with emotional health problems and anxiety. I also feel so down sometimes, like my mood can change from happy to sad in just one second. I have attempted suicide three times. I would sometimes think about my worth. Because like, after everything that has happened to me, just a little ounce of joy always gets taken away from me. Like, why am I alive? Cause I swear I would often feel so worthless. Even saying the words I love you to my boyfriend sometimes feels fake to my hearing. I feel like it's unfair to him that I stay with with him and I am battling with my existence. I feel like a burden to everyone around me almost always. I feel numb at times. Is it all this because of what happened to me, or because of how I kept it locked within me for all these years? I don't truly know my self worth. I even lost my daughter back in 2017 two days after giving birth to her and that was when I decided for the 3rd time to commit suicide, but I think I stopped myself cause I chose to live. I take it a a day at a time, but I swear at the back of my head, I am thinking about whether I should confront all of my abusers or not. I also feel afraid that it may be too late. I don't know. Is it ever too late when it comes to these kinds of situations?
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973741 tn?1342342773
Wow, you've been through so much!  It IS healing sharing, isn't it? But I wish all of these things hadn't happened to you.  I am hoping the toxic people in your life from years ago, the abusers, molesters and sickos are no longer anywhere near you EVER. Never feel like you have to be around people like that just because they are 'family'. They didn't act like family when they crossed boundary after boundary. Have you been to therapy?  I'm assuming so.  You are so articulate.  It breaks me hard that someone who has been abused like that feels SELF shame and loathing.  You describe someone who has some understandable emotional difficulties after trauma.  PLEASE know that they can help you.  Especially since you once thought of suicide (so glad you did not complete this). Have you ever worked with a therapist?
Helpful - 0
Thank you so much for leaving a comment. I have never been to therapy, because I always felt like I was ok but time after time I started to realize the damage it caused for me. I have never shared with anyone before about what had happened to me all these years ago. But lately I have been feeling so down and losing my daughter made me become such an emotional wreck and it all just came back to me. I just started feeling like the whole word is against me or that nobody loves me and want what's best for me. Anyway, I don't think I am capable of sharing my traumas to someone I don't know out loud. I can't say that I have and know how it feels, but I did share some details with my current boyfriend and it felt safe for me. He's the only person I am comfortable to share my experiences with.  I think I feel like I have dealt with it personally, but I still have unresolved feelings towards my abusers. Seeing their faces make me angry at times and I feel so stuck. I was so scared to come out and tell my family and not know what the outcome is, so I left it all burried underneath all emotions that I have. I think this explains why I have trust issues. I'm having so much difficulties trying to overcome it all. I don't think that I could ever get over everything but I'm taking it slow day by day. I just wish this confusing feeling goes away  but until I have someone to thoroughly talk it out with like my boyfriend, I don't know. I don't know how I was even before it all. I was really young when it happened, so I think I don't truly know myself. Going to therapy would probably help but I am scared of taking that step. Thank you so much for taking your time out and reply to me. I just wanted to come on here and say what I was feeling at that moment I hit submit, and I didn't think that someone was gonna see it.
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