To all who were sexually abused as children!!!

[johnis64]

It is never a child's responsibility or fault when they don't go to an adult. They are chidren who are being manipulated in the worst way by sexual predators. Making them feel, in any way that somehow this was their fault is very damaging to the person who finally has the guts to come forward. It is up to ADULTS to be the first line of defense against sexual predators. We must all learn the warning signs of a possible predator and what you should do to protect the child. You don't just assume the person is a predator and tell everyone but you can quietly look for certain behaviors in adults and older kids that may be signs. For instance, a woman came up to me after a class and told me her son took private piano lessons. She said the piano teacher didn't feel comfortable about having the parent their while he taught, so she would wait in the car. Now, there should be nothing wrong with you going in unannounced to say, use the restroom. Right? But she didn't. Then the man began picking her son up for lessons because it would be on his way home anyway. You tell him don't worry, I'll take him and the teacher insists he will do it and bring the boy home later. That's yellow light behavior. Insist on taking your child and continue popping in for bathroom breaks. If your son seems to feel uncomfortable, get him another instructor. If the teacher acts pissed of that you won't let him pick your son up then, by all means, stop taking your son to him immediately and try speaking with other parents that he gives lessons to to find out if this is something he normally does with other students and how the other parents feel about this, if he does. Until parents start talking to their children about secret touching at a young age and leltting them know that no matter what, they shoud come tell you and you will that person gets help. Remember, this may be someone the child loves (in 94% of the casses it is someone the child knows and cares about, including family members). There are many different techniques pedophiles us to keep children quiet. It's up to the ADULTS to make sure that child knows that if they come to you, you will always believe them and help them. Otherwise, the predator has outsmarted you as well as the child.

[narla]

f only more people could understand why children don't say anything,and even when they become adults find it hard.I'm 47 and still trying to get over the abuse at the hands of many adults as I was growing up.

[johnis64]

I appreciate the positive responses to my comments. It is very difficult to talk about. Especially when my father meant the world to me and I was daddy's little girl (probably because I was the only tom boy of the 4 sisters). I still feel like I'm waking up to a nightmare, not only for me, but for the innocent children who's lives have forever been altered in some way or another.I have had to learn that I was a child. There was no way I could have seen any signs of what my father did. The only thing that could have saved my son is if I knew how to talk to him as a young child (and throughout) from time to time letting him know that people who secretly touch a may tell them not to tell anyone but as long as the child knows you are already knowledgeable and will believe them then maybe somehow my son would have been able to come to me. All I can do now is make a difference in others lives so maybe another child won't have to go through what mine did.

[jo929]

Pleses forgive me for not telling you how sorry that i am that you had to gho through this, i know that it has bas been hard for you  and believe me when i say that you do not desrve to be hurt I just wish that i was smart enough to tell you how to be happy in a relationship, but i am not, so plese try group therapy these people have been down the road that you have you sound like a survivor, be happy  luck  jo

[margypops]

Thank you for posting all that happened to you and your family I know that there are some awful stories out there it took a lot of guts for you to do this..I am sure it will help others who have been throughor are going through similar .I hope you can all heal somewhat , sometimes when it all is told and everyone knows there is a relief felt, the secrets are out ..Good Luck

[jo929]

Let me say i am so sorry for you and all of the boys that went through this abuse, i cants blame you i to would have prosecuted him he did not get enough time, all child molesters need to have it bobbed off in my opinion, i do see whyyou feel so strongly, and i agree with all you say try to prewarn children with out scaring them there is no cure for a child abuser and most of it is a familty member and that is so sad to have to watch every one i am glad , or at least can get on with their life i am glad that you were brave enough to do all of this and confront your dad most people back when i was young just wanted it kept quiet they did not want the famil hurt, but thet were not thinking of the child and some people have not told yet and they are grown they said they do not want the family torn, well it looks like it is already torn by now  
thank you so much for your answer god bless  jo

[jo929]

Your ans makes a lot of sense to me, and i see where you are coming from i have heard the pros and cos of forgiveness, and i also know people that have been abused that have never had therapy and said they just decided to leave it in the past where it belonged this one lady went on to have a family and managed fine some do not, i have also worked in a mental hosp for years and gen hosp, there are some pretty strong women out there, also some DR as you say can mess someone up, i think talking abo/ut it helps maybe with a group that you do not know can help. you sound like a sensible person and one that can deal with it no i also do not think one can forgive the abuser as he knows what he is doing  thank you for your answer  luck  jo

[johnis64]

I will open up a little more about my knowledge. My father was a pillar of our community. He was a Ph.d at an internationally known center dealing with disease outbreaks. My parents had 4 daughters and no sons. My father was a standout athelete in college and only got through school because of scholarships in football and track. He is 6'4'', (tall, dark and handsome). He has never smoked, had a drink or said a curse word in his life. He was a loving, gentle father but was very wary of friends he didn't think were good infuences on us. We went to church every Sunday. He was, for more years than I can count, the "teenage" Sunday school teacher. Everyone loved him. When I was 16 my parents decided to adopt an 8 year old boy. My father had been in the Big Brothers Asc. but for some reason, my mother resented this very much. Skip to 30 years later. In 2003 an adult male came forward to say my father molested him when he was about 6. This man was in his late 30's. Of course, my sisters and I thought he was crazy, we were very angry. My father had never molested any of us. We were extremely angry. Then my father called crying and asked if we could go with him to the state this had supposedly happened in so many years ago to speak with police. The 4 of us said of course we would. I asked dad if he had called my little brother to tell him. Actually, he was 37 by this time, I was 45. Dad said he hadn't but had left him a message. When I hung up the phone I called my brother and he answered. I told him what dad had been accused of and asked if he could go with us to stand beside our father. That's when there was this deafening silence on the phone. For the first time, I had the most terrible feeling in my stomach. Before I could even process it I said, "Dad never touched you, right?" expecting a quick NO! But, then I heard the crying and it hit me. In shock, I called my sisters who were all equally not knowing what to believe. I told them we needed to meet my brother at his house at 5 pm. We all got there and that's when there was the stark reality. My brother gave us details which I don't even want to think about. Because we were either off to college or leaving home when he was adopted, we never saw anything. Not to say that we would have ever had the brain process any clues we may have seen anyway. Mostly, my brother was crying because he was afraid that our father could have done this to others. That's when it hit us all. Our children, specifically, our boys. They were all varying ages. To shorten this I will tell you that  we ended up going to my parent's house that night. My father had to tell my mother what he had done. I confronted him first. I was totally out of my body when I sat down next to him and asked him to hold my hand. Something was telling me how to behave to get the answers I needed. I told him to look me in the eyes. I seemed so calm it was like a dream. That's when I found out that "pappy" had been molesting my own son since he was 6 years old. My father had still been molesting him and my son was then 15 years old. I won't go into details about my son's therapy but I can tell you that, as many family members called us vindictive and unforgiving, we pressed charges against the man who had never even got a speeding ticket in his life. He was sentenced to 20 years of prison with no chance of parole. He will be 90 when his first parole date comes. More family supported us than not. Everyone was shocked. It's been 6 years since and our whole family is still feeling the wake of what was done. Therapy is a way of life for us. Forgiveness? No way. This man had the chance to repent and turn away from his behavior but chose to molest boys over and over for, what we now know, was decades long. My was of forgiving is not dwelling on him. He doesn't really exist for me anymore. That's why I don't like to speak of him. As for my training, I'm not a therapist but read every book I could get my hands on about pedophiles, just trying to figure out who my father was, how he could do such a thing and did he ever love me or was he just using me and my family to make himself look so wonderful that parents trusted their sons with my father as he coached many boys baseball and football teams back then. I then began volunteering for a child abuse center and was trained extensively in a program that teaches adults how we must learn more in order to prevent children from childhood sexual abuse. I gave talks to adults a churches, community centers, schools, synagogues, etc. I'm taking a break for a while but, believe me, if you can go to your local Prevent Child Abuse website, try to find a program that you can attend. The one I trained on was "Stop It Now!" Hope this helps.

[Toomanyadvil]

Is it even possible to forgive the abuser? I can't imagine doing that.

I've heard some say its the key to moving on from the harm and trauma its caused, to free yourself I guess. But how can you forgive someone who as an adult made a concious decision to take so much away from a child in what's considered the most hannious act possible.
To me forgivness is acceptance. and I can't accept this man for who or what he is.
To me sexual abuse is pathological. No one just does it once and calls it quits. So if we forgive are we forgiving that this monster lives inside of them and we make it okay for them?

Imo its something I have to give up to God. I know I'm not capable of saying, I forgive you for doing this to me.
Whether that chains me to the trauma or not, I'm not sure about that part.
I hope that I can learn to love myself one day and see myself as having more worth than just my physical being whether I forgive or not.

But I also haven't had professional help to directly deal with what's happened. I've only danced around the fire during therapy. I wonder if id feel differently if I was able to directly deal with things. But after becoming a victim of a manipulative psychiatrist who's done further damage not only to myself but to countless others and our community I don't feel I can ever trust anyone with my inner most thoughts and feelings. I feel had I not been molested as a child I would have never been vulnerable enough to be victimized by this "professional". That may be untrue but I feel I was already at a disdvantage with my existing trauma and so was more easily manipulated.
So I see it as a chain reaction and feel unable to forgive. Even being further abused by my husband and other men along the way. I feel that what happened to me put me under the impression that it was okay and I deserve to be hurt. With time and awareness I've seen a comfortability in myself in being abused. I know how it feels, I know how to survive through it, I know how to disengage myself emotionally and physically. But what I don't know how to do is be in a healthy relationship. It makes me feel ackward and suspicious. I don't know how to be present during sex, I don't know how to involve my heart and emotions. And I keep those things at a far distance never being able to accept love because I don't know how.
I can't forgive him because of what its done and how far the trauma has effected my life.

Had I never been molested I wouldn't expect that sex is all I'm good for. And I can't forgive that.

I don't ever want to effect the progress that anyone has made in dealing with their abuse, I feel in a way were all in this together. Its difficult to understand if you haven't experienced this kind of trauma so have to support and stand by one another. So with that said I don't want to say its not possible to forgive. If someone feels they can I want to support them in that. But I don't see how I can myself.

[jo929]

Do you believe that one that has been abused as a child should evetually forgive the abuser ?  jo

[margypops]

It is good information I do not mean to deride it just some info on your experience would be good ..

[margypops]

Could I ask if you are a parent and is this based on your own experience or perhaps a therapist in the field ,you give some detailed information here ..

[narla]

What a wonderful post,I hope everone that has blamed a person for not saying anything reads this,I'd also like to add when you've been abused and become an adult quite often you still won't say anything for fear of not being believed.when itold my parents in my late 20s they ignored it and swept it under the carpet,I have just found out at 47 they assumed I was having false memories because they asked my brother who was 10 yrs older than me and he denied it.