Abuse Support Community
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20003388 tn?1515169640

Trapped in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship.

My wife and I have been together since 2009. We got married in 2015. She is controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive to me and I feel trapped. She treats me like I am a 5 year old. I have to get permission to spend my own money for Christ's sake. We have a 2 year old daughter which just complicates the whole thing. Things have gotten so bad I have developed a severe anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I have no idea how to get out of this situation. I'll be honest, I suffer from other mental health issues as well. Before we got together I had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder (was mild, nothing compared to today) and OCD. Part of the reason I am stuck is because no matter how hard I try and force myself I can't fully confront her. I can't even cook my own meals, I get chewed out for making a mess even when there isn't one. No matter what I do around the house to help it isn't good enough. If I wash dishes she comes in, gets irritated, claims I'm not doing it right and snaps at me to get out of the kitchen because I'm just screwing it up. EVERYTHING i do is like that. The thing that pisses me off is that she then turns around and complains that I never help around the house. I try to, it's just not good enough for her. There have been times that things were so bad I contemplated suicide. She always talks about how she is so sick and tired of dealing with my mental health issues and how we can't have a normal life because of them. Sometimes she gets so mad she yells at me about how she wishes she never met me or how she wishes we hadn't gotten married. We aren't intimate at all. We have "been together" maybe 3 times since we moved in to our apartment about a year and a half ago. She says she has no sex drive because of the IUD she got after our daughter was born but I can tell she isn't physically attracted to me. I have always had an innate ability to sense people's emotions and she just radiates unhappiness, anger and even a little disgust towards me. To be honest, I've been hoping she will finally get fed up with me being "inadequate" to her and leave me. The last 8 years have been an emotional and mental hell for me. My biggest mental flaw is the inability to stand up for myself and my need to avoid confrontation. I kind of feel like she took advantage of that and because of that I am now stuck in this miserable situation. I no longer have any self confidence, she has obliterated that. I can't even drive anymore because I don't trust my ability to do so. I have sat down and talked to her about her behavior towards me but of course she denies that she does these things. At times I wish I had a camera to record her berating me. I seriously don't know how much more of this I can take but I don't know how to get out of this situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
3 Responses
3191940 tn?1447272317
I strongly suggest you extract yourself from that relationship as soon as possible.  At best, she is unwilling to acknowledge what she is doing, or she is mentally ill.  At worst, she knows full well what she is doing and she is gaslighting you - making you doubt experiences that you KNOW you had.  She clearly has something to gain by staying with you, though it's impossible to say what her motivation for doing so may be.

Worst of all, she is teaching your daughter that you are not worthy of respect, and that it is OK to openly berate you.

I would start by talking with both a counselor and a lawyer.  You need a counselor so that you can discuss what's happening in your relationship without being told that it's not happening, or that it's not hurting you.  This will help with your confidence, and to trust that your perception of the situation is REAL and that you are legitimately being abused. At the very least, find someone, anyone, who you can trust to candidly share what you're going through.

A lawyer can help you to make a plan to actually physically and financially leave this situation.
Great Advice CurfewX
3060903 tn?1398568723
I agree fully with Curfew's advice about both a therapist and a lawyer. You need to try to get visitation with your daughter every week and not every second week in my opinion. I don't know why so many men get to only see their kids twice a month and those children are raised primarily by only one parent. Your daughter needs you to be strong , and get to a better place for yourself, and to find a partner that loves and appreciates you. There are many people that have mental health issues that are fully supported by their partners. so please have faith that it CAN get better for you. It would be the BEST example for your daughter if you focused on getting out of a bad situation for your mental health, and showed her examples of love and harmony otherwise it's true, her perception of the world will be greatly marred.

Please stop thinking that you are trapped. You're not. You can get out of this and have a happy life. I promise. I've had to remove myself from my first marriage, and although it was challenging. I managed to find a wonderful partner that step parented my son from the age of 11. Your daughter is young. You can do this too. I'm so glad you posted. and hope that having friends here can help. I'm here always if you feel like talking. Sending prayers up for you. Be strong.
Avatar universal
I agree seems there is no longer love there.For her to make you feel that way on the regular is just wrong.I have bi polar disorder and it already hurts us to be different and for her to say yal could never have a normal life is a lie you just cant have a normal life with her
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