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Avatar universal

Want out of a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship

I have been involved in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for about 1 1/2 years. I have been with my boyfriend since December 2006. We met online that January but met over Christmas break. He also came to visit me in spring break 2007 before he moved for good to my area that June. It wasn't until August 2007 that our relationship has progressively become toxic. It started out with him yelling at me and occassionally calling me names or putting me down. I put up with it because I thought he didn't really mean it and that he was only stressed out so I shouldn't have taken it personally. However, the abuse reached an explosive stage when we visited his family out of state for the summer of this year.

I did not want to stay the whole summer, but he forced me to stay with him. We were staying with his dad, who I suspect my boyfriend has an ugly past with. Whenever his father was stressed, my boyfriend would become stressed, and he would take out all his rage and frusration on me. Progressively it became very frightening; it got to where I did not feel safe. By the time July came around, my boyfriend's abusive behavior became triggered by almost anything. I can recall many times when he would call me every evil name you could think of, yell at me for almost no good reason (I had accidentally dropped one of his electronic devices. It was left unharmed, but he yelled at me and insulted me as I have never been before) There were times he would even wonder why he was with me, he would tell me I was "never there for him", insulted my religion on so many levels, and constantly threatened to kill himself, and blamed all his "gloom" on me. After we came back in late August, he started talking about "our future" and how "we" would possibly move back to where his family is. I do not want this because the whole time I was there, I saw how unhappy and troubled things were. I could see the underlying tension. This is not the life I want to live.

Backstory aside, here is my dilemma. About a week or 2 after we had returned from out of state, I called my boyfriend and told him I do not want contact from him for 30 days so I could reassess our relationship. (also to buy time away from him). Suddenly, he became the polar opposite of his abusive self. He was suddenly very loving and kind towards me and said he wanted to seriously discuss our relationship with him face-to-face after he 30 days are over. (they will be over on October 5th) As if by magic, I was suddenly the world to him; he said he wanted to marry me and "be everything for me". He is heavily leaning toward "repairing our relationship", but I do not want to pursue this relationship anymore. I am extremely afraid this abuse cycle will continue and possibly get worse, like moving on to physical abuse. I need to know how I can let him know that the damage has left this relationship too far gone and I do not wish to pursue it anymore so I can focus on my future goals. It has gotten to where I am afraid of him; I cannot live on like this.
9 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124
Hm.  How about "the way you behaved last summer made me realize I don't want to be with you anymore".  Period.

You sound like one of those girls who just can't say no.  You can,  though.  Just say no,  goodbye.  

He couldn't "force" you to stay with him all summer,  you are willing to be made to do what he wants.  Stop it.  

Just get out.

Best wishes.
535822 tn?1443976780
Time to get out, you dont have to be there, unless he took a lot of Therapy and anger management he wont change especially if there are problems from his childhood and past, you could go on like this for years , he is not worth it, You need to let go.
Avatar universal
dont fsll for his phony story, just remember that is is an abusive person, and he will just get worse luck  jo
Avatar universal
Thanks for the support, everyone. It makes me feel better to hear other's opinions. I'm going to remain strong and not give in to any of his false claims, no matter how much he pressures me.
599170 tn?1300973893
unless he physically restrained you, which he could not have possibly done all summer, there is no way you were forced....find the door and use it...get out before  something really bad happens, there are plenty of other fish in the sea move on
100019 tn?1335919717
Be careful, tho.  There are many stories of men that kill wives and girlsfriends after trying to get away from them.

The 100% turn around is extremely typical of these relationships.  You're right all of a sudden you are the world to them and they'll "do anything" to fix it.  Everything except change.

Just tell him you aren't happy in the relationship and you want to move on.  Change your phone number if you have to and confide in some close friends that can help keep an eye on you.  Don't mean to scare you but better safe than sorry.
649519 tn?1232513359
It is time for you to get out, and do not look back as for me I was also abuse for years, they say they will change, it will be for a while but they will go back to there old ways,pls take my advice, one day I was hurt so back when I was 7 month pregnant,my son was born,he was 2 pounds at birth, he was in the hosiptal for 3 month after he was born, the doctor thought that he wasn't going to make it,he was so tiny, after 1 month I forgave his father, but the abuse started again, after 3 month I was able to take my son home, when my son was 5 month old he hit me again, this time I had my son in my arms, I was going down the steps to get away from him,he grab me by my hair,and I fell down w/ my son, thank God my son wasn't harm. that is when I realized that this man will never change, I left and never look back, the next time he laid eyes on my son my son was 21 years old. and guess what he is still the same abusive man that I left 26 years ago, some people change, but this man will never change, you need to get out now, or things will get worst, always remember you deserve better. God Bless.
Avatar universal
soooo, what has happened? have you left him for sure yet? i agree with all these women. my mother was in an abusive relationship and it did not get any better, it only got worse. it started like your story, only words and insults at first... but once my mom moved in with him, all hell broke loose... all of a sudden she was his punching bag for whatever reason. at the time she was in her mid 20's with two little girls, did not know a lick of english or knew how to get a job yet she managed to get out of the situation. it wasn't easy for her, growing up we did not get to see her much b/c she was supporting me and my lil sis but i did learn to not take any type of abuse from a man. also, just like MrsOckert said, be careful. Once they think they own you, they will do everything possible to keep you from goin. First they are all nice and loving and once they see that doesn't work anymore to keep you, they turn to threats and violence. Do not ever trust a man/woman w/ anger/control issues 100%, always watch your back b/c you never know what might trigger them to act out of violence. best of luck and i'll pray for you.  as far as how to tell him, i would suggest telling him straight up. if you do not feel comfortable, then i would find something that will take up alot of my schedule and kind of push him away w/out him knowing. also, let your family know what is goin on. let them know how you feel and that you are actively trying to get out of the relationship. if he askes them where you are or what you are doing, they do not have permission to tell him any info about you. another way is to find something he is doing wrong (ex: talking to another girl) and blow that up to make you look like you were sooooo hurt and it wasn't fair and you are done w/ him. never give him a reason to blame you or call you names. also, when y'all breakup, don't jump into another relationship or party like crazy. he'll just get mad and think you broke up to do that. lay low for a while and he'll forget about you. i'm not trying to scare you and i know this is extreme but u never truley know everyones true colors.
641030 tn?1224527470
My dear ICEyun,

I was able to release myself from a mental, verbal and physical abusive relationship this year.

Breaking up or ending a relationship with a person who is abusive takes a lot of courage and planning.

If you are still in the relationship, you need to know that I do understand. He is his back to behaving in the very charming and romantic way, the man you found so increadibly attractive and charming. This is the time to start paying attention for you.

If you are no longer with him and you have been able to withstand his manipulation. Then it is a different story.

What ever you choose, what is important here is... YOU! and what you want.

Let me know how you are progressing and I will be more than happy to provide you with suggestions as to what to do next.

Abusive people are not to be underestimated and it is important that you are aware of that.

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