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Was I sexually abused as a child? I'm not sure

Just to mention, i am a female.

In my neighborhood, there was this girl, i'll call her fiona. She moved nextdoor when i was 2 and she was 3 (she's one year older) and we were the typical neighborhood friends. She started to be kinda mean and manipulative when i was around 6-8 and when she was 7-9. She would always make me play whatever she wanted using the "my house, my rules" argument. When i tried to use that in my own home i got the "i'm your guest" argument and she'd constantly threaten to leave the playdate.

TL;DR she was manipulative and used my craving for friends/social interactions against me.  

When i was around 7 and she was 8, she started playing a new game with me, mainly when we were at my house. She would make us both go under the covers of my bed. We would pretend we were animals, wolves, whatever, and that we were trapped in a "bag" (which was us under the covers). She would tell me that the only way we'd survive from starvation was if we "ate each other's milk". What she'd make me do would be the equivalent of sucking/her nipples, but while she was wearing a shirt. Basically i would be lingering around her nipples and make like sucking/drinking noises. I would also be told to do the same thing to her vaginal area. I'd lower myself to her shorts and basically eat her out through her pants, making sucking noises and so forth. She'd do the same to me, and id be lying if i didnt somewhat enjoy it. It made my lower region feel weird, and at the time, was curious as to what it was. and later if i saw my underwear there'd be white/clear stuff on it (precum/fluids) but at the age of like 7-8 i had the idea of what were doing nor what the liquids were.

But i knew that something was wrong. I always that the "games" we played had problems. But never would anyone undress. Another time, i was at her house. We pretended that i was strapped onto a bed, and she was above me playing the kind of villain character. She would call me dumb and whatever, normal villain stuff, but then she'd pretend to kiss me (she didn't actually) and would make kissing/sucking sounds around me like she actually was. Then she'd lay down next to me and pretend that it was happening to her too.
And another time, she made me be her dog, and put a belt around my neck and made me walk on my knees and hands around the house, making me bark occasionally. She would do the good dog , bad dog thing, and she'd  pretend to hit me, shock me if i was bad.

Basically, a lot of the things we did had an underlayer of sexual/bdsm/etc themes but i had no idea what was going on.

Because of what she would do to me, i started going crazy. At the age of 7 or 8 i already had the thoughts of killing someone, never acting on it though. I also grew on edge whenever she came over. Eventually when i was 9 or 10 she moved away. And i was finally at peace. Soon enough, i got bullied/manipulated again but it wasnt even 1/3 as bad as with Fiona, just normal "older kids being ********" kinda thing.  

Thinking about what Fiona did to me and what she made me feel/do, completely disgusts me. If i hear her name in public i have a mini panic attack and I've never been able to completely tell anyone about what happened. The closest to telling was when i told a friend i was somewhat sexually abused by an ex-friend. I've never even mentioned the games to my parents, but they knew that she was kinda mean, but that was it. I'm currently a teenager but even now just thinking about it chokes me up. I've been through so much self hatred and depression because of her and her actions. It may have also caused + supported my (somewhat) borderline personality disorder, along with other mental issues. I just want to know if this could be considered sexual abuse so that finally I could tell myself that it wasn't my fault so I could have some self-compensation. I'm still emotionally traumatized by it and I've doubted again and again that this was abuse but i just need to know.

Please, anyone, tell me what you think.
1 Responses
3060903 tn?1398568723
HI there, sorry you're upset by what happened, i'm sure i would be as well. Kid's live in their own little world making it up as they go. If there is not a lot of parental controls or communication about how to act and treat others,  Some parent have the "talk" very early on, about not letting anyone go near your private area , and some don't. Yours probably did not. Not sure about "Fiona's" could be they did, and she disregarded the advice. This kind of stuff happens and i'm sorry to hear it happened to you. You've said you've never talked about it, and now that you have , how do you think you feel? Do you feel a bit better just letting it out.? Once you let it out, you need to let it go. Give yourself some time, now that you've released this into the universe, and if you're not feeling any relief talk to the guidance counselor at school, or ask your parent or guardian to set an appointment up with a Therapist. Learn from this. Make sure that if you have kids of your own, you talk to them very young about 'NEVER LET ANYONE TALK ABOUT OR TOUCH YOUR PRIVATE PARTS" . I know it seems odd to hear, but in time, if you have a family of your own, you'll be grateful for learning what you have so that you can save your own children from feeling the pain that you have felt. I'm not sure if that's much compensation for what has happened in the past  today, but it will be someday in the future. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
3 Comments
Thanks for the reply. My parents never gave me that "talk" and only really briefly talked to me about sexual harrassment into my teen years. Letting it all out really helped a lot, even if just on a forum page. I always tried to just sweep what happened under the rug but really typing about what happened has helped me. It feels like I've "let some of the air out of the balloon." Over the years, I've become better at telling myself that it wasn't my fault. Thank you again for the reply. :)
You know, i look at what we talk about on this forum almost like we're all talking to God, you know? Allowing ourselves to expose the hurtful things that have happened in our lives, lessens the load of carrying it all alone. I'm so glad that you recognize how far you've come, even to talk about it,here and recognize that there is benefit of opening up, it works. It's a beginning. It's the first stage of getting help. Remember, forums are real people , that really do care about your happiness. Though you wouldn't recognize us on the street, the people you are opening up to on forums are real.people real friends (we're not enemies for sure) and your health matters to us. When you talk about stuff that's happened to you and people reading it have survived abuses, and have a great capacity to want the best for yo,u, particularly you, Allow yourself to feel the love of those you have not met in the flesh. That love is real. Believe in the love in the universe caring about you. It's absolutely real. I'm so glad you've released some of your hurt into the universe and feel .. lighter for it. You're gong to be okay.
Remember, you have learned how to best look after your own daughter, It's hard one experience, to know to watch closely that your kids are not left unattended, that they're watched. You turn this unfortunate thing into a plus in your lineage and raise children that are protected and know how to protect themselves (at an EARLY age) You know high school is too late, that things happen to trustful naive children that should be watched for and stopped. While you had it rough, you can save your own child. Many will not, not having the experience you've had. This will help you to be a great mom. in the future. Tell mom's of young children to be careful not to leave them unattended, then, the pain will not have been in vain. Take good care of yourself. and know i'm always here if you need a friend to talk to.
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