Just to mention, i am a female.
In my neighborhood, there was this girl, i'll call her fiona. She moved nextdoor when i was 2 and she was 3 (she's one year older) and we were the typical neighborhood friends. She started to be kinda mean and manipulative when i was around 6-8 and when she was 7-9. She would always make me play whatever she wanted using the "my house, my rules" argument. When i tried to use that in my own home i got the "i'm your guest" argument and she'd constantly threaten to leave the playdate.
TL;DR she was manipulative and used my craving for friends/social interactions against me.
When i was around 7 and she was 8, she started playing a new game with me, mainly when we were at my house. She would make us both go under the covers of my bed. We would pretend we were animals, wolves, whatever, and that we were trapped in a "bag" (which was us under the covers). She would tell me that the only way we'd survive from starvation was if we "ate each other's milk". What she'd make me do would be the equivalent of sucking/her nipples, but while she was wearing a shirt. Basically i would be lingering around her nipples and make like sucking/drinking noises. I would also be told to do the same thing to her vaginal area. I'd lower myself to her shorts and basically eat her out through her pants, making sucking noises and so forth. She'd do the same to me, and id be lying if i didnt somewhat enjoy it. It made my lower region feel weird, and at the time, was curious as to what it was. and later if i saw my underwear there'd be white/clear stuff on it (precum/fluids) but at the age of like 7-8 i had the idea of what were doing nor what the liquids were.
But i knew that something was wrong. I always that the "games" we played had problems. But never would anyone undress. Another time, i was at her house. We pretended that i was strapped onto a bed, and she was above me playing the kind of villain character. She would call me dumb and whatever, normal villain stuff, but then she'd pretend to kiss me (she didn't actually) and would make kissing/sucking sounds around me like she actually was. Then she'd lay down next to me and pretend that it was happening to her too.
And another time, she made me be her dog, and put a belt around my neck and made me walk on my knees and hands around the house, making me bark occasionally. She would do the good dog , bad dog thing, and she'd pretend to hit me, shock me if i was bad.
Basically, a lot of the things we did had an underlayer of sexual/bdsm/etc themes but i had no idea what was going on.
Because of what she would do to me, i started going crazy. At the age of 7 or 8 i already had the thoughts of killing someone, never acting on it though. I also grew on edge whenever she came over. Eventually when i was 9 or 10 she moved away. And i was finally at peace. Soon enough, i got bullied/manipulated again but it wasnt even 1/3 as bad as with Fiona, just normal "older kids being ********" kinda thing.
Thinking about what Fiona did to me and what she made me feel/do, completely disgusts me. If i hear her name in public i have a mini panic attack and I've never been able to completely tell anyone about what happened. The closest to telling was when i told a friend i was somewhat sexually abused by an ex-friend. I've never even mentioned the games to my parents, but they knew that she was kinda mean, but that was it. I'm currently a teenager but even now just thinking about it chokes me up. I've been through so much self hatred and depression because of her and her actions. It may have also caused + supported my (somewhat) borderline personality disorder, along with other mental issues. I just want to know if this could be considered sexual abuse so that finally I could tell myself that it wasn't my fault so I could have some self-compensation. I'm still emotionally traumatized by it and I've doubted again and again that this was abuse but i just need to know.
Please, anyone, tell me what you think.