Was it rape? We have been together almost a year...

[Collegebeauty22]

Well, My boyfriend and I have been together almost 1 year and yesterday he came over and we had the best day ever. We did have sex earlier that day and then later that night I stuck in back into my dorm room because it was after visitation hours. We were in bed watching movies and he got horny and he started kissing me and stuff and then he entered. This may be too much info but I think  I just recently got over a yeast infection so I'm still a little sore down there and  so it hurt a little when he enter. I told him to stop I was tired and it hurt and he kept going  for a few minutes but then he stop and pulled out. He sat there a while and started masturbating and roll over to sleep but then he got back on top of me and I asked him to please stop and everything but he didn't and then he was like he could go home and I didn't want him to leave i just wanted him to stop so I started crying and then he was like this will just be a few more minutes and he kept going and I kinda of just took it I didn't even fight I quit telling him to stop and I just laid there until he finished. I felt so violated and I just laid there and cried and he looked so guilty and he kept asking me was I mad at him, but I didn't know what to say. I finally just went to sleep and then today I didn't go to any classes. My head hurts and everything and I don't know if this is how I should feel right now. Like I love him and I am confused by this....

[kenneltech]

Hey!  Was going through this forum again, and saw this, I already commented on what happened to you.  Wanted to know how you're doing?

One thing that I didn't see is, did you call the cops on this jerk?  He IS a rapist!  He DOES need to be stopped or he WILL do this to someone else.

Another thing that I noticed, and I am going to be straight with you, but I mean this in a positive way and am trying to help. In no way would I ever hurt a person who was a victim of rape.  But you said that this has happened four other times, right?  

Honey, you need to step back and really, REALLY look at the people you are attracting.  Sounds like you are becoming a victim, and I mean that in a sincere way, not a belittling way.

Maybe you shoud really sole search for awhile before you date anyone else, or maybe you should go see someone and learn more about yourself before this happens again.

I  say this because I WAS a victim as a child, and UNKNOWINGLY, kept up the role when I got older.  You can become a terminal victim and it is subconscious, you don't even realize it.  You really need to search why you are attracting these kinds of people.

Best of luck to you, and try to get on with your life, get that creep in jail where he belongs.

[eve43]

My friend is a counselor. In a nutshell, yes, it's rape, and a horrible experience to go through. He's sorry? B.S. He's just getting you primed for next time. You said this has happened 4x before. Not to be snotty but you need help. I know. I was there. I had a will but didn't fight back until I got really hurt one time. I had the habit of always picking men that weren't healthy enough for a relationship and like you fell in love. You have to learn to seperate the emoyion from logic. It's a rough one but you can do it. Don't forget we haven't been thinking the keenest for whatever reason. And yes I did turn this man into the authorities. I took the word LOVE out of it and said to myself, "I'm going to help the next woman down the road. I'm not in LOVE with this selfish idiot, I'm in a sickness with him." There are a lot of very good men out there that have manners and the best sign of a bad man is one that always saying I'm sorry. Yeah, they're sorry all right. They're loser, users, and just plain no good. My self esteem is built up and NO MAN or PERSON is going to pull me down again. This all happened to me many, many years ago when I was very young and talking about it, let alone turning someone in, was something unheard of, but I did it then and you can do it now. Don't turn him loose on someone else because you're scared to or don't want to hurt him. If you don't do something, you're always going to end up with men like him and he's always going to get woman like you because, without help, you'll attract each other. Like I did, you need healthy, not abnormal men in your life. Look at their actions. Like John Wayne said in one of his movies, "You talk a might mean talk but walk a might small walk" LOL I'm not trying to be mean Honey. It's just that I lived this life of yours and it almost destroyed me. My heart goes out to you, but baby, you can get the help today so much more than I could years ago. Go for it. You owe it to yourself.  Eve 43

P.S. I have now been married to a man for years and years. It is such a contrast. He is a good man and always puts me in his thoughts. He was very understanding in what I went through and has always been proud of me at his side. Do you know what that does to me? How it makes me feel? You can have it too, Honey, and some day maybe you can help someone through your past experiences. Have a nice day and remember, I'm on your side. Now go get 'em, tiger. Write me if you have a question.

[Judy246]

What you should do is file a police report, so that this jerk will realize that you mean business and that he can't get away with rape. If you do nothing and the relationship breaks up, he will do it again, so you need counseling and he needs to be behind bars, because what he did and is doing is criminal and against the law.

[faithfulchild]

I have no doubts whatsoever that you have been raped. The fact is that you said no and whether or not you said it once or twice or in an "assertive" way is not the point. From the explanations you gave, it wouldn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that you were NOT interested in having intercourse with him. Your tears are a big give away!

It is very easy for people to suffer from learned helplessness. You have mentioned that you have been raped 4 times previously...if that isnt one gigantic reason you just 'took it' without putting up any fight then i dont know what else is. Perhaps you expected him to stop and was praying that he would love you enough to control himself. Perhaps you wanted to believe that he loved you enough not to do that to you.

You trusted him and he took advantage of that trust. He is an abuser and he will not stop there. He raped you and not just your body but also that faith you had in him. That in itself is a bitter and monstrous thing to do. Do not try to excuse his behavior..make im understand what he did and let him dread it ever happening again.

[kenneltech]

You know what?  If it wasn't rape, then why did this jerk feel so bad and so guilty?  He knew what he did, and so did you!  It's that simple, he wouldn't have felt a thing if he didn't know what he did was wrong.

Another thing, when our trust is violated and something horrible happens, sometimes we just kind of go into shock and don't know how to act.  For someone to say that you weren't assertive enough is totally off.  Maybe they were never in this situation, or maybe they just deal with things differently than you do, or others.  Everyone deals with things differently, and just because you didn't get up and punch the guy out or yell your heart out when he asked if you were mad, doesn't negate the fact that you were raped, you just didn't handle it the way someone else might have.

One thing I do know for sure, there is nothing wrong with you or how you handled the situation, you did what you did.  Another thing I know is that NO means NO, period.

If you were to forgive him and take him back and listen to all the bull--- he's going to feed you about how he never meant to hurt you and how much he loves you, yada yada yada, then that would be a really dumb mistake.  Because the fact of the matter is, if he really loved and respected you, he wouldn't have USED you as a masturbation machine, get it!!

Oh yes, and the last thing that I absolutely know, and I know this from experience:  you are not a mouse that should have roared, you are not at fault for anything that happened, you are not "less assertive,"  what you are is a SURVIVOR!!!  Pick up the pieces and get on to the police department and turn this creep in like he should be, and empower yourself by the fact that you ARE A SURVIVOR!!

Good luck to you and God Bless.

[teko]

If I look at someone wanting to have sex and I dont, and I say with a smirk or a little grin on my face, no, all the time grinning as opposed to saying no darlin, not in the mood, check with me again tomorrow, or how about, I said no and I meant no, now get off me, now! The first one could be misunderstood or not taken seriously, ya think? The second one is more assertive but still nice, and the third, well it speaks for itself.

So, yes no can give mixed messages too, according to how it is delivered. Sounds like a combination of miscommunication as well as a jerk for a bf. Disrespectful to say the least/ IMO only of course.

[kenneltech]

No, means NO, and I don't care if your a prostitute!  When  a woman says no, she means NOl.

This guy seems totally selfish, only thinking of his own desires and feelings.  I'd dump him in a heartbeat, becuase if he thinks he can control you in bed, then it's gonna get worse outside of bed, mark my words.  And, what's this contol ****, anyway??   Who needs it.

[Judy246]

Stop means, 'STOP', which in this case means no and he didn't stop. A yeast infection takes time to heal and the chances that he now has the infection is huge, but if you feel violated then you were raped, because it was against your will. You cried and he didn't stop nor he was sensitive to your pain, plead to stop, tears. I think communication is key to every relationship. You need to tell him how he violated you when you said stop and I think you really need to re-evaluate this relationship that has escalated to the level of forced rape.

[theprincess911]

I am deeply sorry for offending you that is not my intentions. but i feel like if you would have just removed yourself from the position that you were in then this would not have happened unless you think he would have thrown you down and taken it. This is just my opinions I was not there only you two know what happened. dont want to upset you these are just my feelings, sorry if i hurt you.

[teko]

When it was over and he asked you if you were mad, why did you not tell him? Why are you curling up inside and not doing anything to make your voice heard. This guy was supposedly your significant other? He betrayed your trust and yes he was wrong! BUT! There is a lot of danger in the world today and you must learn to be more verbal or you are like a feather in the wind, getting knocked around by every jerk looking for someone to take advantage of. Sounds like your self esteem needs some work and bf needs to find the front door and never come back.

[Collegebeauty22]

OMG!! I made the signal loud and clear. I did! the princess you have said twice on my things that maybe i wanted him there and I am really offended and really hurt....I am really confused and you aren't really helping at all.

[theprincess911]

just wanted to let you know i agree with you i felt like i was the only person who felt that way about the gray area.

[allmymarbles]

What you say is true. Some people even feel they deserve abuse. But the other person has to get the signal loud and clear. The clarity may have been lacking here. Still, he is no one to remain attached to.

[Electrum]

And just to make it clear. Saying NO once is more than enough. Any human with a conscious would stop after the first NO. Saying someone wasn't assertive enough is the most absurd and insulting thing I have ever heard.

[Electrum]

You are not a weak person. Just coming here proves that! It takes a lot of courage to talk about it and think about it. I can't tell you what to do, but just know that there are men out there who respect your boundaries. It is NOT normal for a boyfriend to do this.

Just try and not be so hard on yourself. A lot of your thoughts are low self esteem talking, not the real you. I'm sure you know that you can seek help, and I think you should, but I don't want to sound like I'm telling you what to do. Know that I'm thinking about you and praying for your protection.  

[Collegebeauty22]

Is no said once not enough maybe I am a weak person. I have been raped before actually (4 other times) This time I am confused as I have ever been because it is by someone I love and have trusted with my all.....I thought I did assert myself but he didn't stop...

[Collegebeauty22]

I don't know how I feel right now. I still haven't been to classes. he has called, he has apologized, he says he knows he did wrong and doesn't know why he didn't stop. He says it hurt him that he hurt me and I am so confused......

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Another problem with that is there's also people who have been raped or molested before and for some psychological reason I forget some of them end up shutting down if it happens again and don't even fight back if it's possible.  I forget what it's called, I heard about it years ago and it has some fancy name.

[Electrum]

And sorry for the swearing but needless to say that is just bullcrap at it's finest. Rape is violent, rape is abuse, and saying that she didn't "assert herself enough' is extremely offensive.

[Electrum]

It's not at all a gray area and that frankly pisses me off. That's why I lived in denial for over 10 YEARS is because I thought it was a "gray area." Yes, you were raped. And marbles, how is raping someone NOT violent!? WTF where is your brain? I really shouldn't be commenting when since I've been so emotional lately, but this pisses me off beyond believe that this is a forum about ABUSE and some asshat is saying that this victim of abuse "didn't assert herself enough." WTF!?!?!?

[Sarah1013]

I have to disagree marbles, she should only have to tell him to stop once. Some women are not as assertive as you are but as long as she made it clear that she didnt want o have sex with him then it was against her will therefore rape. Bt we're all entitled to our opinion.

As far as if you wanted to press charges I hate to say it would be hard to hold up in court because when its a boyfriend raping a girlfriend its based on he say she say.

[allmymarbles]

It is kind of a gray area because you could have made him stop but didn't. It is not as though he was violent and threatening. But you certainly should have asserted yourself more strongly. In any case, he was thinking more of himself than of you. Is that what you want in a man?

[lboogie7729]

My advice, get him out of your life, see a therapist and get the yeast infection checked out if you have not already. Many sexual predators and deviants are very charming and persuasive and seductive, not what most people think of when they hear the word rape. Just because it was not physically violent does not mean that it is any less damaging to you psychologically. It is your body, your are in charge of it, and you and your body, mind and spirit deserve to be respected and protected, not taken advantage of. When someone crosses that line, they have violated your trust and disrespected you, you don't need someone like that in your life. I wish you the best in dealing with this. Feel free to add me as a friend if you would like to talk.