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Avatar universal

Will I be normal?

My three sisters and I suffered a lot of emotional, sexual and physical abuse as children in Las Vegas. I am the oldest so I would always do my best to protect them. We were in and out of shelters and often did not have our basic needs met much less higher needs of love. Our mother is bi polar manic depressive and had frequent episodes of mania which sparked abuse. So extreme that I remember her forcing one of my twin sisters to take a bottle of my psyche medicine. Melissa was sick for weeks.  Our father was alcoholic and a sexual tormenter of my sisters he would also bring people into the home that would abuse us as did my mother. At 18 I attempted suicide and neither one visited me. After I became better I moved out and took my youngest sister with me. Over the next 10 years my emotions stabilized and I am now able to take care of my twin sisters as well. But I am now 31 years old and find it so hard to connect with people and I always feel alone and scared in my mind. Every holiday season it is bad for me I have panic attacks about death and dying and feel I have HIV, I am gay but not sexually active. If I do find somebody I give and give in the relationship and it consumes me.  It is better now three of us live in CA now away from Las Vegas... Melissa as she was mildly retarded and my youngest sister and I rent a house together but though better my fears imprison me...I just want to be carefree and happy..I know other people have it worse and I am being selfish but I feel so empty ...like there is not really a me inside but only a reflection of those around me....has anyone experienced these feeling and if so do you have advise on how to sort them out? Thanks so much....and I hope all is well for everyone =)
6 Responses
604266 tn?1236362585
I'm sorry no one has gotten to your question..I hope you still check in.

I have alot of the same feelings you do, panic about death and dying...always thinking I'm going to die.
You sound like you have alot of PTSD stmptoms and the anxiety, panic about death and dying,
Do you have any flashbacks? If so you may want to get in touch with a therapist, or psychiatrist, preferably both and even if you don't have flashbacks your anxiety and other feelings sound like they're grtting too much to handle on your own.

I'm glad you all three live in CA together away from Las Vegas, that has to be better for you all and especially all to be together.

Don't ever think your being selfish..I hate that phrase.."someone always had it worse..." becuase it invalidates what your feeling which is just as important as what anyone else is feeling or has been through.
To me, "having it worse" is relative. It's usually us deciding who has it worse and no the person we see as having it worse. Though they're are some who will say my suffering is worse than yours...but don't pay attention to those people.
But usually it's us invalidating our own pain because we see soemone else as having it worse. But you never know to them, we may have it worse and they're looking at us and saying..but some people have it worse so...

What you went though, what you all had to go through and how it's effected you is impotant and it's important that you feel validated in your feelings.

I can only speak for myself when I say that when I'm invalidated I push my feelings away thinking they should be nothing, not a big deal at all and then I don't deal with them and things get worse.

I can't answer your question about being "normal" because I don't think there's any such thing as "normal" for anyone.
Not to mention I'm going through alot of what you are and so I wonder too if I'll ever be able to feel like it's not overwhelming me and cauing me these problems.

I hope you stay around. We understand. Check out the PTSD forum. alot of us go there also.
Agian I'm so sorry no one got to your question. It's not because it isn't important. Sometimes were having bad days and don't see new posts especially with the holidays (again talking more about me, when I'm having a bad day I skim the forum and miss a lot of stuff. I hope you see this and come back)

Avatar universal
I have also had those feelings, In fact i am obsessed with thinking about death and dying. I often fear the worst for myself and others. I too hate the phrase "others have had it worse". I think people who have been sexually abuse know that it consumes your everyday life, and just when you think you forget about it...something brings it back. I feel that i have a lighter case of sexual abuse and it still took over my life and mind. My honest advise...turn to God. If you read all these different posts, everyone turns to God. He is the only way out. There is no amount of therapy or "talking about it" that can heal these wounds. Trust no one in this life, for God is the only one. I still struggle daily with being intimate with my husband and other things. Im praying for your family..I understand.
Avatar universal
Spirituality and praying are very powerful. It seems that we need to take care of our human side, also. The support and knowledge of genuine friends can sometimes be another kind of therapy. I believe that we need to be grounded spiritually, and also in our world. Thanks for your compassionate response.
Avatar universal
We sometimes turn to God, and we also turn to each other. Sometimes we get help from therapy.
Avatar universal
"find it so hard to connect with people and I always feel alone and scared in my mind"

After all that you went through these feelings are normal. Because of your early experiences with your parents you learned that people can not be trusted to be there for you. You, much like myself, are the oldest child and found yourself in a care giving position to your siblings, which you still follow through with today. This is why you give so much in a relationship, it is probably one of the main reasons you are as self aware as you are.

So, to answer your question, YOU ARE NORMAL. Abuse victims suffer with depression, anxiety, PTSD and a host of other ailments both emotional and physical. Therapy is a wonderful option if you have the insurance for it. If however you find yourself like so many without the funds or the insurance, there are 12 steps groups for abuse victims. If you can not find one in your area, you have a few options, you can start one yourself (helping others is the fastest way to helping yourself) or you can sit in on some Alon groups. They offer wonderful advice and help, and most of them have also suffered some form of abuse in their lives. Whatever you do, do not give up hope, and remember, YOU ARE NORMAL!
Avatar universal
I think you mean al-anon? If there are no other resources,that is a good idea. You are so right that we can heal by helping others.
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