Aa
A
A
A
Close
Abuse Support Community
2.14k Members
Avatar universal

dad used to molest me: how do I get him out of my life??

when I was 15 my dad used to molest me- this persisted over a period of about 2 or 3 months. this has obviously had mpact, I've sought healing and stuff and that's helped,but now I'm in a place where I just can't stand still having him in my life (I'm 32 so damn, it's been a long time, but whatever, I am where I am). the problem is he is the needy type who says **** like "if I ever lost you/family etc, I don't know what I'd do." my mom and brother know about the abuse because I told them a few years ago and they are both completely the same (mom's still married to him, brother lets my dad and mom babysit his daughter- wtf?!- but he does). so no one gives a ****. so I feel like if I cut the ties to dad, I will also lose mom and brother. do I really need them? probably not, but the ties are strong and it's hard to make  this break. I need advice- whatever you pick up from this and have to offer, I'd really appreciate. at this point though, he gave me a hug a few weeks ago and kissed my neck... and lingered. creeped me the hell out... and I want him the hell out of my life. he's just so damn sick. but my issue is my feelings of guilt, that I'd be destroying him and all that stuff... yet, allowing him in my life is making me sick and destroying me. help! how can I do this? I am overwhelmed and fearful because even though he's a creepy molester, he's my dad. stupid entanglements. thanks in advance.
7 Responses
6709254 tn?1389306949
I know how you feel when I was 13 my did molested me.....a few months after we got a DNA test... so I never knew him before. tt went on till I was 16 and told. It ruined me cause I was looking forward to having a ale figure to look up to. I'm now 20 and pregnant with my first child a girl. My dad has been married and they have my lil sis and two step brothers. I don't really associate with them unless my stepmother ask me to come around. Everyone on my family knows his side and my side. Like immediate family. I would just occasionally talk on the phone with him to try and establish some sort of relationship.....but now since I'm pregnant its like I don't want any contact with him and the only person that understands is my boyfriend. My stepmother tries to get us to talk and whatnot because they want to be in their grandchilds life. I have a problem with that.... I don't want to keep her away from them completely but they want her to be able to stay weekends and take trips with them...and I don't know about all that.And I'm contemplating whether I want to just cut him including the others off
134578 tn?1578161083
Ick, what a creep.  Never let a known molester near your child, if you want a relationship with him (WHY?) be in the room all the time he is near your child.  I am not sure why you would have him in your life.

Please talk to a therapist about why you think YOU would be ruining HIS life if you did the natural thing and shunned this jerk.  He had no shame, pride, boundaries, or fear of the law, for that matter.  (What he did was immoral, but it was also illegal.)  When someone does something wrong or breaks the law, and another person calls him on it, who is wrong?  Not the one who calls him on it.

Talk to a therapist to work out what to do.  They're good at it and very helpful.  Good luck.
3060903 tn?1398568723
I'm so sorry that your dad molested you, and continues to act in such a way as to threaten you, at this time.
I'm also sorry that your mom and brother are acting like they may not believe you
you said it was for 3-4 months when you were 15, was he drinking at that time? (Not that it's any excuse) but i'm wondering if he was in a different state of mind at the time....perhaps a black out?

Your profile is pretty blank,but you've mentioned that you are 32, and that you've had "healing". Were you talking to a therapist, or the clergy maybe? Was the question of cutting him out of your life never dealt with at that time? I would not go on seeing a family member that made me feel so miserable, regardless of how it made them feel.
973741 tn?1342346373
Yes, I'm also very very sorry that you went through this.  

I really believe in consequences.  I believe in firm consequences.  If you are an adult, move on and leave him behind.  He did the worst possible thing to his own child.  Drinking is no excuse and the length of time is no excuse.  If you felt a bit of sexual pleasure yourself which is not uncommon, it is no excuse.  He was the parent and he gravely breeched his position. Thus, loses it.

We had this same thing happen in our family to my husband's niece.  She cut off all ties with her father.  This, in her situation, was an appropriate choice.  It was similar to yours in that the 'father' (term used loosely here) said he was an alcoholic and was on a drinking binge and it happened for a specific period of time---  around a year.  he went to jail for it for 4 years (too short).  She didn't tell until she was leaving the home for college but she had a younger sister that she couldn't leave behind to possibly suffer the same fate.  She is my hero and so strong.  She was treated badly by her mother for this, if you can believe that.  But she still told, still acted on it, and eventually has a relationship with her mom again.   While her dad was in jail, she wrote him a letter saying she would never forgive him for what he did.  She's never wanted or had a relationship with him since.  This was something she came to through the therapy she got right away for this when she finally went public with her father's awful actions.

I encourage you to go ahead and attend therapy. It could give you clarity. And if it feels like it would give you some relief, write your father a letter explaining you will never feel the same about him after what he did.  No excuses!  He lost his right to be your dad and you do not with to see him. He'll get the message and leave you alone.  And you can live your life with people that are good for you and haven't hurt you like that.

But that really has to be your choice.  YOU have to get to that point.  I wish you much peace.  This is one of the hardest things we can go through and it really can affect other things in our life. I have a dear friend who goes to a support group at her church for women who were sexually abused in their childhood years.  You need support.  good luck dear
6709254 tn?1389306949
I did therapy. It helps a lot. I did hold back a few things though and eventually when I felt pressured I got out of it. I wish I didn't cause just hearing others talk helps me. I tried to dothe one on one but I never felt comfortable enough to just say things. When she put me in her group therapy that's when I slowly started to open up. Sadly the minute I felt pressured I left....I felt like everyone was moving to fast for me and others were just so open. It did help though.
480448 tn?1426952138
I'm so sorry for your situation.  I cannot even imagine the emotional turmoil you've gone through.

I agree 100% with the replies you've gotten.  There's NO way in heII I would recommend maintaining a relationship with him, no way, no how.  Most certainly, he would never be anywhere NEAR my children if I were you.  You have EVERY right to want to cut him out of your life....that's called survival instinct.  The fact that emotions get involved and confuse the matter is unfortunate, but you have to keep reminding yourself of the FACTS, and what he DID, how he never was made to face the consequences (which makes him that much more likely to continue doing it)....and he's STILL acting in ways with you that are VERY inappropriate.

PLEASE seek professional help for yourself, and to help you navigate the relationship with others.  You just need to be VERY firm, and explain to ANYONE who takes issue with you cutting him off that you have to make decisions that are best for YOU and your children.  They can either support you or not, frankly it's not really their business.  There are plenty of ways to still have family functions, people do it all of the time for members of the family who can't be around each other, for whatever reason.  Bottom line, they need to respect your decision completely...anything else is unacceptable.  A therapist would help you with that, even bringing your family members in to talk with them about why it's important for you to have their support in your decision.

I'm so sorry you had to suffer such abuse at the hands of the very person who is supposed to protect you.  That makes me so sad.  Not only is it sick and egregious, but also it's the very WORST kind of abuse of power imaginable.  Your dad used his position of power, authority, and trust to harm you.  There's just no going back from that, especially with a man who continues to act inappropriate with you when he can.  That's outrageous.

PLEASE seek help to heal yourself and you hold your ground.  There's just NO reason in the world I could see EVER finding that keeping him in your life is a good idea....and your emotional confusion over him being your "dad" certainly isn't reason enough either.  Honey, he lost the privilege of that title with you a LONG time ago.  

Blessings to you, prayers for courage for you to do whatever you need to to protect yourself and your children.
Avatar universal
wow. excellent response. thank you everyone. you really helped to validate what I was feeling about this whole circumstance and I deeply appreciate your feedback.
Have an Answer?
Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327197724
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398568723
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Here’s how your baby’s growing in your body each week.
These common ADD/ADHD myths could already be hurting your child
This article will tell you more about strength training at home, giving you some options that require little to no equipment.