dont no what 2 fink :(

[s_e_a_s]

PLEASE READ SO I HAVE OPINIONS Growing up my mum had a affair on my dad n left her husband (my dad) an her 3kids me my 2 sisters 4 a 17 year old, well as tym went on me or my sisters neva seen mum me and my younga sister were both 6 wen she left as we r twins my older sister was 11... Well 5years not seeing her she shown up on my 1st day of high skool me and my sister was dead upset and every1 could see she was on drugs my dad didn't let us c her as she was in a very violent relationship but as we got 2 12 me and my sister found were she livd only abwt a half hour walk and started 2 skip skool and c mum onli fing was I started living ther on of at 13 and so did my sister my dad wasn't happy but we ran ther so much he couldn't do nothing anymore except check on us everyday. I believed when I got 2 13 I was in love with my mums boyfriend dispite seein the way he smoked crack and beat my mum, coz he was nice to me when I was on my own and my mum was so cruel 2 us when she was around him she showed off all the time and upset us.. It got 2 a point wen we was 14 and my twin sista had slit her wrists and was found in the park she tryd 2 tell my mum her boyfriend was wierd but my mum freaked out hit her and made her leave my sister never mentioned it again. I was really angry at the time coz I didn't want 2 believe it but in the back of my head I new ther was summit wrong now years down the line Iv cut my mum and her boyfriend of as he plays all happy infrnt ov her despite the fact he was seein me 4 4years I believed he loved me but no now he didn't atall and 4 the 1st tym me and my sister had a chat as I suffer severe anxiety attacks and am constantly scared so she spoke 2 me and told me exacly what happend and it was so bad and its made me feel sik coz I believed 4 years I luvd this man n everyday I question myself If this is my fault because deep down I should no this was wrong and I still did it 4 4years. Iv had 2 abortions 2 him and I fink abwt it all the tym how nasty and evil I am I don't no what 2 do and not a day goes by were thers a million and 1 fings on my mind thers a lot more 2 the story but I'm going crazy now I really am and I dnt no what 2 do anymore... The anxiety attacks are taking over my life and the thought of this makes me sik evri day and knowing the 1 person hu should b the closest 2 me is sat ther with him.. I no my mum isn't much of a mum but I don't care anymur because I feel as tho I don't deserve any 1 being nice 2 me I don't no what 2 do anymore thers not a day when I don't want 2 be here... My dad is the bestest thing iv ever had and he's done so much but all this is still a secret because I cudnt ruin his family more than it already has....

[AnnieBrooke]

I guess my opinion is (since you said you were asking for them) that you need to get some good therapy.  You should probably talk to your dad, too, but not until you've talked to a counselor and tried to get some of your head straight about all of this.

[allmymarbles]

What I can't understand is why you left your father? Why did you?

[s_e_a_s]

I left my dad at 1st 2 see my mum and she was always gettin beat up at first so me and my sister ust 2 wna stay with her try and help her but it jus back fired coz when they made bk friends she didn't wna no us.. It was just hard havin a mum like mary poppins an then realisin we were never goin to get her back

[Aquamom38]

I am so sorry to hear about all of the heartache you and your sister have been going through. It sounds like you keep ending up in the wrong place, even when you have the very best intentions at heart. From what you shared, it sounds to me like you are really missing a mother-figure in your life and when Mom suddenly popped up, you did everything you could to make it work. You stuck it out, even when things started falling apart and you knew in your heart things weren't right, because you had something that you felt was real with your Mom's boyfriend. Your panic attacks won't let you forget that Mom's boyfriend used you, made you give up two babies, and "wasted" 4 years of your life on him. The attacks are reminders of what you could have done differently. Except you STILL CAN make a change and do things differently from this moment on. The next panic attack you have, close your eyes and breathing deeply, in and out, count backwards from 100 to 0. It should help. Visualize a candle's flame and keep the flame perfectly still without flickering when you are counting. That will also help you keep your focus. Then, I think maybe you should consider the possibility of MOVING BACK IN WITH DAD. If he is checking in on you anyway, I think he will be a stable choice. If you want, try to find a family counselor to go to with your Mom and/or your sister. It might help you both/all a ton and it will definitely be a bonding experience. Good luck...my heart goes out to you.

[cewilcox]

I say move back in with dad. We all make bad choices and make bad decisions with the best intentions. But trust me your dad will always take you back no matter what has happened. He will be there for you always and forever. Your moms boyfriend is a tool. He is a grown man and should have known better from the get go. he's got some mental issues going on and you and your sister don't need to be around that. You can love and help your mom from afar you can evem do more for her being away because you will be bettering yourself and she will be seeing that. You can be the one to show her to get her act right and grow up. You always want to be were you feel safer and I know that will be with your dad. Take care.