emotionally abused by my mother

[gotmel67]

My mother has emotionally abused me for years,and it came to head when my father passed away. I was with my dad as he took his last breath and my mom walks in the hospice room,and I tell her he is dying, but he knows she is there,and she starts screaming at me,"don't start with me!" I walked out of the room so hurt , I just lost my dad and my mother is screaming at me.Mind you my parents were divorced for 30 years when my dad passed, but remained friends,my dad really loved my mother.Well weeks later I receive a package from my mom's attorney,everything and anything I ever bought ,made or gave to her she returned it,including pictures of me and my children. I want so badly to know why she dislikes me so much,I hurt and just want a mom in my life. I just want to know how to move on,but I still love her, because she is my mom.Please any help would be so gratefully appreciated

[gotmel67]

I'm unsure if she has an illness,I know our family has been through a lot of bad things,my 24 yr old sister and her 16 day old son were murdered by her boyfriend,back in 1990,and my mother raised her surviving 4 yr old son, but when he was 19 he accidently shot himself and died, in 2005.I was always there,for whatever was needed, a hug, a talking or just sitting.And for her to shut me out when my dad died,just has me floored.I don't understand, you would think all that we have been through we would be closer

[gotmel67]

I have slowly made steps to move forward with out my mother in my life. And I appreciate your advice

[Gaylefluffy1165]

Nighthawk 61 gave the best advice - I want to add that
I, too, am very sorry for you to have suffered with a mother
like that. Just remember - it's her, not you.
Therapy and for me, prayer, were the best solutions to
my own very similar situation.  Plus, I always asked myself, why me?
I only know that I learned a lot from the years of heartbreak
and I almost treasure the wisdom gained from such an experience.
I have (mostly) forgiven her and as for not having a real mother?
Well, I eventually found some nurturing women who were happy to
give me the support my own mom never did.
It is unfortunate but I think it will be healthiest for you in the long
run to let this woman go.  You can love her, you can forgive her if you
want and I hope you do, just do everything from afar!
Best Wishes, Elizabeth

[Nighthawk61]

First of all, let me extend my condolences. It is never easy to lose a parent.

You've mentioned that your mom emotionally abused you for many years. This is devastating. There is a free group, a faction of AA, called Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families, in a town near you. I went for awhile trying to figure out why I was abused by my family, and how it was affecting me in my own life, and my children's lives.  Have you thought about talking to a therapist. If your mom were to allow it, you could have a family counselling session where you could find some answers as to why she dislikes you so much. I'm sure that you have tried to figure this out for yourself, and you cannot, so therapy is really your only choice at this time?My concern is this, if your mother has been so abusive of you, and continues to be so abusive to you, and you know that you cannot control what other people do, IS IT IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO HAVE THIS WOMAN AROUND WHERE SHE CAN CONTINUE TO WARP YOUR SELF ESTEEM? The affects on your life is immense (home, family, work, romantic,  friendships, trust, etc etc.etc.) One thing that you've mentioned and I totally agree with is that you do need "to know how to move on". With what you have to work with, I think that your best best were to be to get a therapist to help you with this. Unless we're missing the reasons for your mother's anger because you are hiding them, as opposed to not knowing them, it appears that your mother has serious emotional and anger issues of her own, that you cannot fix. Therapy will allow you to forgive this woman, not for her, but for you, and allow you to go one knowing that you did everything you could to change things, it was just not in the cards. You must divorce yourself from this nonsense, and go on and protect your future happiness, that you can achieve.

I feel so sorry when I hear that a Mother could cause such pain, but I understand it , and have gone through it myself. Time will heal this once you are able to let go and realize that your mother's actions, DO NOT DEFINE YOU!!! We all can only change ourselves for the better, no one else.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, dear. We support each other on Medhelp through personal messaging, Inviting Friends for support, Leaving Notes for each other, and should you choose to get involved and stay on Medhelp you will have support for all of life's challenges, the good the bad and the ugly. Hope you keep posting. Liz

[margypops]

I am so sorry I can imagine how hurt you must feel , is there any way you can speak to her at all, if it was possible I would say for yourself as you still have feelings for your mom try to mend the relationship, from all you say here it may not be possible I think it maybe worth a try.Do you know why she is like this ,has she any illness?

[allmymarbles]

Life is not perfect. Nor are all families "normal." You are are grown woman. It is time to accept the fact that you will never have the mother you want. Concentrate on being a good mother to your children. The past is the past. Let it go.