help!!!!!!!

[prashas]

I am a 21 yr old who has undergone schooling in a military school and i have a repeated child homosexual abuse history(2001-2002). I have been away from home into military training and atmsphere since I was 12. I never opened up about it to anyone. In 2001 and 2002 i had few epileptic attacks and they were tested thoroughly and nothing came out. An eeg of that time showed something that the doctor called dissociative pattern but it was rubbished as i was too young(12)and retests showed everything normal. I barely have any memories of that time and i feel numb when i recall. Period of 2001 to 2003, i was more than despised by everyone because i wasnt physically as sound as others, with no friends literally but for music and books. I am an absolute introvert. I am afraid but i developed an affinity for homosexuality which I despised. Though I like women, I find it impossible to fascinate of them when it comes to masturbation. Over the years I experienced incidents when i lost control of myself and attacked people physically and verbally beyond critiical reasoning.  But i continued my training to the point that i was to get a commission in 2008. Just before my commission I was dismissed when i kept junior cadets standing under the shower all night long and supposedly attacking them furiously which I never recollect having done. Other people also supported that I had a tendency of forgetting things. I was sent for psychiatric investigation where nothing substantial was found. I was diagnosed with Impulsive Control Disorder. My Scans and eeg are clear and rosarch test shows high impulsive traits. MMPI shows high point schizophrenia, Depression, Hypothalmia. I was discharged as fit and the disciplinary committee accused me of feigning disease. I was dismissed with disgrace. Eversince then i have had suicidal thoughts, depression, regular bowel problems and a back pain with no medical diagnosis, i forget things, isolate myself, find difficult to concentrate, and break down in to tears with little control or warning. I m in a mess and i am dead scared of going to a doc. I dont  know what to do and i dont find myself crazy. please guide me as to what is going wrong with me. I hate homosexual feelings and i feel desperate to get rid of them. I think my depression is becoming clinical and i have become so paranoid that i have started spying on people close to me. i am loosing my sleep pattern. At times I sleep for hours in day and at times dont feel like sleeping at night. PLease guide I am dying very slowly.

[margypops]

I got a note today from his friend typed on his PC telling a liitle more about him .I wish he had come back here more to be comforted .sometime they slip through the net ...

[heyjude1]

I know what you mean.  I cried so last night when I read of his death.  He was in so much pain, I just wish we could have helped him or consoled him in some way.  I really got mad at the jerk that abused him as a child.  The creep took his life by putting so much emotional pain for him to bare that he could not continue... all so this creep could get his jollies off.  Oh that just puts so much anger inside of me.  He committed murder too.  I just cannot understand how people can be so cruel to kids, it makes me sick.  Oh, I would love to see that jerk fry.

[margypops]

I am so sorry we knew here he was in a lot of pain , this is very sad ...

[specialmom]

I am certainly sorry to hear of the loss of this young man.  He sounds as if he had been in emotional pain for a long time.  I believe the medication you speak of is acetaminophen (tylenol) which if taken in large doses can shut down the liver and one goes into a coma.  I don't know if this is what happened to him and if he coupled it with alcohol.  But that is so very sad.  I hope he is at peace now.  Emotional and psychiatric issues can be devestating.  I wish he had made it to someone who could have helped him.  Indeed, may his soul rest in peace.  

[heyjude1]

Oh no, oh, I am so very sorry to hear that.  My God bless his soul and give him the peace he so deparately was seeking.  Oh, I am so sad to hear this.

[ace3427]

prashas died two days ago, overdose of paracetamol -  a prolonged death. May his soul rest in peace.

[jo929]

Listen to specialmom you have so much anger and you have a right to be angry at the molester you need to talk it out with the dr and go to therapy and also it is time to face the molester and have him punished, because he may still be doing this, you can win this battle if you try i am so sorry that you have had to go through this, and there are more out there, do not let the molester win  luck  jo

[specialmom]

Your post shows your internal turmoil and angst.  While you are afraid of going to a doctor, I  must press upon you that this would be important for you.  A psychiatric practice with medical doctors and psychotherapists would be best to help you sort through this. You do not have to live this way.  Most certainly there is a chemical imbalance going on within your brain that needs to be addressed.  The issues of sexual abuse can have lasting affects and dealing with the events of your life may help you move past them.  But first, I think you need to consult with a psychiatrist to receive any treatment for any psychiatric issues that are present.  This is nothing to be ashamed of as this is just a brain chemistry issue.  good luck.