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Abuse Support Community
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i just called the police on my husband

My husband and I fight all the time, weve only been married a year, he started cursing at me early in the relationship and I followed and now im just like him. He has been in other similar relationships but this is my first.

He physically pushed me. I was going to forget about it but then he started msging me saying hes going to take me to court and get all my money, and hes going to take everything from me. He kept msging me so I called the police and told them that he pushed me and also wont leave me alone.

But later he msged and said sorry, and I know he always feels bad and I KNOW im just as bad as him, if not worse,but  i would never say anything like id take him to court, that hurt me more then him physically pushing me. He said he would buy the best divorce lawyers because his family has a lot of money. I know ive been mean lately so its my fault, I know what he did was wrong, pushing me.

I would never EVER lay my hands on another person. But I love him more then i love myself, now the police are coming to my house, i havent eating anything all day, ive been crying non stop, im so depressed, and the police are coming and i dont know what to do.

I have no one to turn to, i live in canada. is it too late for me to tell them to forget about it?
7 Responses
134578 tn?1602101550
Honey, talk to a lawyer and a therapist.  What makes you think you are deserving of his awful behavior?  
2 Comments
Very sorry to hear your situation...but, having a sister marry 2 abusive husbands....you need to get help build your confidence to get the hell out of that marriage. Many women marry men to try and fix them...ain't gonna happen. Or they marry abusers because they feel they don't deserve better. So, I wonder how you got involved with him to begin with...because trust me..you are not the first woman he's degraded. Just like rapists and molesters...they need help or prison...and not a bride. You don't deserve any abuse from anyone. And sorry to say it, but, there are 3 key vocabularies in the minds of men like your husband: fear, control, hate. They use fear to control you, because of some deep rooted hate they have about themselves. In their mind...control = love and, fear = protecting you. They have a very twisted view of reality. Get out.
him threatening with taking every is his way of using FEAR to manipulate your emotions. Do your legal research...because that is something he would not expect of his victims.....why? because his kind see women as being "stupid"......and degrading you is a strategy for breaking your self-esteem.....and then, he'll come home with flowers and the "I'm sorry" deals...but it's all about control and not love.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm a little curious about why you are worrying that he will take you to court and take everything from you. Do you make a lot more money than him and do you own a lot more stuff than him? If so, what does he do with his time? It sounds from what's he's threatening you with, that he's a bum and you're rich. Is this the case ?

You've said ... " But later he msged and said sorry, and I know he always feels bad " It sounds from this that he has "pushed" you before. How many times has he assaulted you before ?

Is this the first time the police have been called.?

It sounds to me that you are "settling" for a not so good relationship. You've said that this type of relationship is his 'norm'' and for you , this type of relationship is your first, so it is you that is settling for less than you used to think you deserved.

That's really sad. Instead of you going down to his level, it's too bad that you couldn't have raised him to your non violent, non aggressive way of life isn't it?

The point is, that your husband should have been forced into anger management therapy during his first or second failed relationship. Had he accepted that he had a problem then, he wouldn't be expecting you to lower your expectations and your own values and settle for a less than ideal , well lets call it for what it is, ABUSIVE WAY OF LIFE.

He will never get help unless someone tells him, enough is enough.

The reason why addicts get other people hooked on drugs is because misery loved company. He was abusive always and you allowed him to lead you down to his level.  He is betting that because he has led you down to this level, that you will not be able to call him on anything, because after all , when you lay down with dogs, you get fleas. , when you run with wolves , you get bit.

Be smarter than that. You made a mistake going down to his level. Change that. Get back on the road to healthy living and repel the idea of becoming accustomed and allowing bad behaviour.

Please have faith that there are good men out there that you can again, be close to , without having to sell your soul.

As for the police, let the chips fall where they will. He pushed you and he should never lay his hands on you. Let the process of the courts get him into anger management classes, if not for you, then for he next girl he shacks up with. He will not as easily be able to entice  another women into following him down into a seedy existence if there is a court order telling him that what he's doing is wrong.

I hope you come back and let us know how it went. I'm guessing with your lack of sensibilities right now, that the police will let it go and probably just tell him to spend the night elsewhere until you're both settled down and open to talking instead of fighting.
3060903 tn?1398565123
It sounds to me that you are "settling" for a not so good relationship..

OOPS i meant an AWFUL RELATIONSHIP...
3060903 tn?1398565123
Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.[1] Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.

Would you say that you are a codependent person? or have been raised to be codependent? Is this the real reason you find yourself in this type of relationship. This is what Annie.B was alluding to., that you need a therapist to hack out whether you have a target on your back for codependent people. to take advantage of you and find in you a willing partner for a terrible life.

Please do consider a lawyer and therapist as the best way for you to support your needs at this time. He could use any help to get himself anger management support. Don't feel bad. It's a very cheap lesson, if he learns it's wrong to put his hands on a women or child, or indeed, even another man. (but it has been my experience, that men that abuse women, will not risk trying the same thing on a man that could do them damage , and that makes them not only abusive but a coward. )

Why do you want to stay in a relationship like this, when you can do so much better. ?
3060903 tn?1398565123
In fact, not only don't feel bad about calling the police and having an abuser go into the system, feel good about getting them (possibly) the first help they've ever had to deal with the abuse in their lives (as abusers usually have been abused). By getting help to stop abusing others, he will learn how he was taught to act this way, and will be given tools to turn away from his past) Literally you can give an abuser a chance at a healthy life if you call the police. and get them started to get healthy.

If the police walk away, and nothing is done, then the same lowly existence of abuse will continue to progress. And speaking of progression, like addiction, abuse always get's progressively worse. I have a lot of experience in this field.

Please end this bad marriage, maybe your partner will get help, and change himself at which point you can reevaluate, but for right now, he has nothing to offer you. but heart ache.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I think it's really important for new viewers to go back and read Vita's previous questions to get a broader view of all that is going on here Being able to put all the pieces of this puzzle together, can help to give the best advice.

You mentioned in May, 2016...

He treats me like crap and I stay because without him I feel my anxiety will be worse, and then ill lose my job. He is a terrible person, but I am a lost cause. I don't know what to do. I am SO done with this constant struggle.

People at work talk to me and i can't connect their sentences, I can't understand a word they are saying, because my anxiety is that bad. So I take a clonazapam and finally things get calmer. But Im so scared of getting addicted.

I'M SO SORRY I MISSED THIS. HE TREATS YOU LIKE CRAP AND YOU NEED TO GET OUT. LET HIM GO THROUGH THE SYSTEM AND GET HELP, AND PLEASE DEAR WOMAN, CONCENTRATE ON GETTING YOURSELF THE HELP YOU NEED THROUGH PROFESSIONALS TO GET YOUR ANXIETY UNDER CONTROL.  This guy is not the answer to your anxiety issues. A healthy man might be, but a sick man is not. Rid yourself of this guy, so that you CAN find a healthy partner to help you with your anxiety. along with therapy and/or medication.

You CAN FIND A GOOD MAN to be your partner. You DON'T have to SETTLE.
Avatar universal
Let the police deal with it it was wrong what he did to.you you did the right thing dont beat yourself up about it ok
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