i think my sons father is molesting him, how can i catch him?

[scared_mommy54]

when my son was 4 months old, i left his father. he abused me physically, emotionally and mentally. he also has a drug addiction. i know that when he was younger he was sexually molested and that he has NEVER talked to anyone about it. the only reason that he told me (briefly via email) is because i caught him talking on a male sex line. i know he has wierd sexually tendencies, such as talking on these sex lines, calling "special" massage therapist- both male and female. my son is now almost 14 months old. he stays with his father one night a week and every other weekend. i am scared that his father molests him. i do not have any proof. i have a very very strong gut feeling. i have had some signs that have lead me to believe this as well. such as there have been 2 incidents where i have found, as what seems to look like, pubic hairs on my sons butt. (i saved both them). my son always comes home with a diaper rash. sometimes it seems as if the sides of his diapers are stretched out, like taken off and put back on. i know this is not unusual, but sometimes my son flips out when i change him.   there have been times when he has slept to 930 in the morning when over his dads, he is always up at 730, is this because he wakes him up in the middle of the night? he crys at naptime when over his dads. i never have that problem with him. when time when i was at his fathers and i changed his diaper, it seemed as if the box for the wipes had vaseline on it? we do not use vaseline on him. i did once confront him and he told me that i was crazy and that he loves his son. but of course, what else would he say? yes i did it?
    There are time when i think i am crazy for thinking this. but there are time when i am sure iam right.i dont know what to do. i talked to my doctor. she said to look for bruising and taring. i havent seen any so far. i am so confused. i am so scared. what if im wrong and i am just driving myself crazy? what if i am right and i cant find any proof? how could i let my son go over there having these suspicious?
    please help me get to the bottom of this. any information will help. thank you in advance.

[313tiger]

I would contact CPS first and tell them what you've said here. Or whatever agency is like Child Protective Services in your area. Any attorney would tell you that. If you can afford an attorney they just can't go to court based on your intuition. You need CPS to intervene. That way, you are initiating the process. If the father asks you don't have to tell him that you called them. It's 100% confidential. I hope that you are physically safe. This is indeed horrible to think this might be happening to your child.

[Sarahorzol]

I want to share my story with you if you would email me at ***@**** my name is Sarah my son is 2 years old and I believe his father is sending him to his grandfathers house every time he asks to see h who is molesting him. I think we could really get a lot of answers from.one another I have the same problem a huge gut feeling and signs but they tell us to look for tearing and bleeding but not all predators make their victims bleed . please email me

[Katnor]

I am sorry as I can be to post this.  But the reality is that many, many times children are not protected from child preditors.  There are many reasons.  The vast majority of abusers will deny everything.  The justice system constantly puts the rights of the parents before the safety of the children.  By the time a child is back with the non abusing parent, many times all physical evidence is gone.  Hotlines, just as courts want hard evidence of abuse.  And so many times it is just not there.   Then the mother, or non-offending parent is treated like she is mentally unstable for even suggesting that the abuser is doing such a thing.  In the past I did a lot of volunteer work with these types of situations.  In one case it went so far as a "for hire" therapist suggested custody of the children should be gven to the offending parent, because the mother was just "abusing the justice system with these unsubstantiated reports of sexual abuse."   To be substantiated there had to be physical evidence of abuse that connected the abuser to the child. Another mother couldn't get visitation stopped with the father of her son, until the son became so agitated he developed a rapid heart beat that couldn't be stopped and he had to be taken to a children's hospital.  And then the judge only stopped visitation for 6 months.  This is the god awful reality of child abuse.

[ROSYouralright]

I know this is an older post but im just seeing it! Do you have an update on the situation?

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Yes, this post is a bit old.  You could start your own post by going to the top of this page and hitting 'post question'.  Sometimes people get more responses that way and then you have it all under your own question.  

anyway, I sure hope that it IS in your imagination but a good mother is always diligent in checking and being careful.  You did the right thing to ask your pediatrician.  Hopefully the nanny cam will either relieve your worry or let you know what is going on so that you can keep your child safe.  

Is this situation new by the way?  A new nanny?  I will say that being clingy and having separation anxiety does happen when little ones hit a certain age.  All of a sudden they are very aware of parents coming and going and typically do prefer their parent (especially mama).  It may end up just being that.  (hope so!!)  But the nanny cam is revealing.

My son was one and a half and I was having a college student, female, come and watch him on occasion. We were moving and I had a newborn and would have her for maybe once or twice a week for a couple of hours.  After a few times, my generally sweet child became upset at seeing her.  I don't think she really did anything to him other than she wasn't so sweet.  She wasn't a kid person I realized and certainly didn't baby my baby.  But his reaction to her two times in a row was enough for me.  I never called her again.  Not worth it.  If you can switch babysitters, do so.  If he continues to act the same way, it just might be separation issues.  

Lots of luck and come back and tell us what happened, okay?

[elysmammy]

This is a few year old.. I am going through the same thing my son is one... I don't know if im crazy or if the reason my sons but is always red is what I suspect...  my son is a very happy go lucky baby, when I come home from work he seems to cling on me like there isn't a tomorrow... I am saving up for a nanny cam .. I talked to a doctor and he said baby's usually have a red anus.. but idk... makes me uncomfortable so he suggested a nanny cm and that is exactly what I will do.. I don't know what else to do also I do plan on moving far away next year just in case.. if anyone ever reads this please keep all children in their prayers.

[margypops]

moomopie posted on July 16th 2012, we were answering that, it isnt too old .she put a new question onto the older 2008 thread .

[overopiates]

THIS IS A VERY OLD POST&THUS PERSON IS NOT HERE ANYMORE.IF U HAVE A QUESTION PLEASE MAKE A NEW POST OF YOUR OWN SO U CAN GET ADVICE AND MAKE SURE IT IS SEEN.

[josie21193]

you should get your baby checked or try to talk to him and ask him i was sexaully abused for 10yrs no believed me because i wasnt abused with bruses or the other was thouched n ways shouldnt have bein it started when i was 5 or thats when a started rembering it if dont do something or find out there will b alot problems later on with him my mom didnt believe me n said she had dr. check me says she didnt no there was more then one way tjat.could happen

[josie21193]

you should get your baby checked or try to talk to him and ask him i was sexaully abused for 10yrs no believed me because i wasnt abused with bruses or the other was thouched n ways shouldnt have bein it started when i was 5 or thats when a started rembering it if dont do something or find out there will b alot problems later on with him my mom didnt believe me n said she had dr. check me says she didnt no there was more then one way tjat.could happen

[Jerryhoover619]

Christ I hope the hell you went to children and youth.  His visitations should be made supervised,, You take the child to children and youth and have a psychologist listen to what he says.  But under no circumstances run that only makes things worse. The courts will do what is in the best interest of the child.

[margypops]

Call CPS ASAP he needs protecting if you are positive as you said ...dont let it go another day ..what you told us is really sick and children do not make this sort of thing up ....Do not let him go there , otherwise you are enabling it ...

[mikeyvdog]

have him tested for drugs,dont bring up the abuse! if he test positive he'll lose his rights! tell the judge  that he comes home smelling like weed! that will give probable cause,it dont matter if he's never smoked! i would lie on a stack of bibles to protect any child nevermind my own! im a father of  9 and 7 yo girls, no reason to find pubic hairs,thats just wrong! vaseline means nothing to the courts! we know that somethings wrong when our instincs kick in! stay strong and focused! i wish i could physically help you but i dont belong in prison! maybe plan on a emergency room  visit the same hour he returns your child!  i wish i could kill all child molesters because i would,i get so angry when i think about it! sorry to stray from the norm but i would do anything to protect ANY child from the monsters that walk our streets! good luck, im sorry you even have to worry about your child!

[moomoopie]

i  know my 4 year old grandson is being molisted by his father. he has told us grafic things such as my daddy puts his winkie in my mouth and peepees in my mouth and i throw up and his daddy put my peepee in his mouth and sucked real hard and it hurt. and  other disturbing similar things, what can i do? i want to run off with him to protect him, he is supposed to go back over there tomorrow night!

[mango167]

Oh my goodness.. I am so happy to see this post!!  
I am currently dealing with a crisis closely related to this!  
My son is 23 months old and I left his father about 9 months ago because for the third time in two years, I found that he was consistently calling transsexual/violent dominatrix phone lines and our computer was littered with this type of pornography.  I left for my son and there were several violent incidents before I filed for custody in July.  
Now we have no physical temporary order yet but I have allowed my son to see him every other weekend since November.  (Before that he ignored me for three months so he could say I was keeping my son from him)  
This past weekend, when my son came home at 6, I took him to dinner and then when I tried to change his diaper, he totally freaked out!
He ran away, screamed in a blood curdling growling way for 10 minutes, and wouldn't come near me unless I took his clothes off.. I held him naked for 5 minutes while he cried before I could re-diaper and dress him.  A similar situation happened again last night.  There was a period of time when his father was only visiting him at the daycare and they told me not too long ago that he used to close the door of the bathroom while changing his diaper.  He admitted to taking pictures of my son's diaper rash, trying to prove me negligent in court but now I don't know if thats all that was happening.

I called his doctor and am waiting for hear back from them but I think it might be too late this time.
I wish I had called sooner or taken him to the ER but I didn't know what to do and hoped he would just be ok.

[keep_smiling]

I studied Social Studies last year and worked with a child therapist for a number of weeks who gave me great information on how to look out for signs to see if your child is being molested. in my opinion you have more than enough proof to be worried. is there any way you could get the pubic hairs tested? that would be more than enough evidence to catch him out. anyway in the first place i cant see why you dont use his drug addiction as an excuse to keep your child away from this man.
trust your gut instinct-mothers always know best.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Please, please, please find out if your gut is right!  I beg you.  If you think there is any possibility that he could be being abused by ANYONE (don't care who it is), do everything you possibly can to find out.  The only time I have ever had problems in life is when I didn't listen to my gut.  God gave us instincts for a reason and probably the biggest reason is to protect our children.  And at 14 months old, your son has no voice.  You are his voice.  I just can't stress this enough.  I had a situation in my own family so I can tell you from experience that I would go against ANYONE to protect my children.  They are my everything.

[momagain59]

Is there any way that you would allow him to watch your son at your house? Surely, you could come up with an excuse as to why it would be easier or better if he could just watch him there. Maybe, plant a nanny-cam so you could observe him. I would place the camera in an area where he would probaly be changing his diaper.  

[margypops]

PS  If he is a Drug Addict you could check out if you have to send him alone maybe there is an arrangement of visitation when you are presant, Protect your Boy.

[margypops]

Firstly I would like to say that you are a good and caring Mom to realise that you have to go with a Moms gut feeling, as jo says in the above post take you boy as soon as you can, to a Doctor for an examination, it doesnt matter if you are wrong, finding out is imperative,tell him the physical facts, and whilst you are trying to sort this out can you cut back on the visits ,I think all Dads have rights to see their children but in this intance till you know he is at risk each time to more of it.You are not crazy , best to risk being anyway than to let your boy face this and be traumatised all his life.Has his Dad got a new partner ? who else is around when your son goes to visit?

[jo929]

You first need to take your son to the DR to see if he has been abused, alos if he has this kind of lifestyle do not let the child stay with his father  luck  jo

[313tiger]

She said that the doctor told her what to look for. If there is a legal custody arrangement she cannot just change it.