is this my fault?

[JasonNames]

I had wrote in a questions about my girlfriend who was sexually abused more then 5 or 6 times. She never goes into too much detail. When we frist met about 8 years ago, she had told me when she was young she was molested by her brother. Well as a person who has never even though of child sexual abuse, i became a little upset to hear this..im not sure today why i felt this way, but the things i said after that made her feel like it was her fault. I do remember saying why did you let that happen..maybe i didnt take into account that she was only 3 and there probobly wasnt much she could do.
Latley we have been trying to talk about it, and she told me that what i said back then makes her feel like it was her fault..I know it wasnt her fault and I just cant seem to get it through to her. She loves me I know, but she doesnt trust me..She says when we have sex, i touch her like "they" do..I just love her and i dont just want sex out of lust, as she puts it..I really need advise..please..Thank you all Jason

[jo929]

I am sorry that i came across as blunt and unfeeling that was not my intention, i really feel for all molested women, they have suffered so much, and it will take time yes a counseler is a great idea molestation is a great trauma, but what i was getting at was be there for her through the couseling give her the help you can, but after all of this if she feels the same way about making love it would be a bad idea to get married as things could get worse,about making love lots luck  jo

[jander]

Jason,
I agree. Counseling is helping me through my issue and is helping me gain clarity.

All counselor are not created equal.  I have had to go through 3 to find the right one.
Be supportive and do your best to shift blame or focus onto her.
She is a victim, look at it from her perspective.

jander

[jo929]

I agree that she needs counseling, but there is one thing i do not understand if she was only 3 how could she remember just how they touched her, was she abused when she was older or just at that age. I think she should go to counseling and you should wait and see how things work out before you both do something you may regret later  i wish you both lots of luck. I do hope her brother was put away as a child molester

[Tessabella82]

hi Jason.. I completely agree with Angelinthemorning. ur girlfriend needs to go thru counseling and to show her that you can be trusted consider going to a counselor as well.. she feels extremely vulnerable and the closeness of the relationship between her and her abuser who happened to be her brother makes her feel like she can't really trust anyone.. it will take a long journey to get her trust so if u truly love her.. be patient.. let her feel that you're there beside her.. that you're there to protect her  and not to harm her.. try to be a little bit more sensitive with what u tell her.. try to talk to her about her experience but don't insist it.. she will take everything u say that it was her fault for letting it happen but always do ur best to reassure her that it was never her fault.. extend ur patience and don't stop showing her that u love her and you're there for her.. hope this helps a little bit.. good luck to u

[Angelinthemorning]

You need to try suggesting counseling.  Be very gentle with her.  Even possibly suggest you both go so you'll know how to better handle the situation.  Also, if she's really defensive about it, it can help to ease that if you are willing to try counseling also.  She does need to get into counseling though.  As a woman who was sexually abused growing up I understand the feelings of guilt your girlfriend is having.  Most sexual abused victims at some point in time think the abuse was their fault or b/c of something they did.  This is absolutely NOT TRUE!!  I also struggled with "touching" certain areas bringing up past memories.  If she is having "flasbacks", high anxiety, that type of thing it's possible she's suffering from PTSD.  This also happens to alot of sexual abuse victims.  
I can't say this enough, counseling really would be best for her.  It's very difficult to overcome past sexual abuse.  It has a huge affect on the victim and doesn't just go away on it's own.  Many things can stem from sexual abuse...low self-esteem, extremely sexual, not sexual at all, depression, anxiety, etc.  Just be patient with her and reiterate to her it is in no way her fault.  Show your support by staying by her side and even in matters of sex.  If you know a certain area you touch causes her to cringe...DON'T touch it.  

I hoped this helped some...