Aa
A
A
A
Close
Addiction: Alcohol/Drug Rehab Community
995 Members
Avatar universal

Consumed

I am the mom of a 20 year old son. He starting dabbling with pot around 13-14. We were devestated. When it went to pills we put him into an adolescent rehab. He was diagnosed as not only an addict but also bipolar. When we found out he was using heroin we begged him to go to rehab, which he did. After 4 mos. he returned a "changed person" Well were we ever wrong. He proceeded to return to hanging around with the same people,places, things. When I got the call he was in a car accident and almost died I thought well at least he's alive and will now wake up. Wrong again. He has since been in rehab 4 times and always quits the program before being helped. The accident left him with a damaged arm and a fairly large settlement. This has posed even bigger problems cause while I try tough love and letting go  and not enabling anymore he has this money to enable himself. I have tried numerous time taking the money and switching accounts but the law says its his. I am at wits end. I CAN NOT LET GO. This is consuming my life. I feel like  I can help him and he lies over and over and I know  he is I just think maybe this one time, he'll change. I tried the higher power but this is consuming me. I feel like this will be with me forever. Where do we go as parents, whats to do??
3 Responses
Avatar universal
Hey sorry you haven't gotten more responses.  But my guess is because no one really has a good answer for you.  Because the answer is, there is nothing you can do.  I know as a parent that's hard to accept but if he doesn't make the choice to change himself, it won't work. Sending someone to rehab when the have no intention of doing the work, is a waste of money. ALL you can do is go to Alanon or get some therapy for yourself.  When he blows thru all his money and hits bottom send him to NA and be there for him.  
1235186 tn?1549257619
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately he won't stop until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know how it can consume you. I too was consumed with my daughters addiction. We get just as sick as they are. I was physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually sick. I couldn't sleep, cried, screamed, begged, pleaded, nothing stopped her. She promised, lied, deceived, stole from me, got arrested, was on probation, spent nights in jail, got arrested for grand larceny, is facing felony charges and still she continued. She also had money that she got once every year from a settlement and every year I tried to get control of the money through the courts for fear she would kill herself with it. I got the same answer as you it is her money. She would blow through about $15,000 in a matter of a month or so to support her and her then bf's habit.
I finally went to alanon after years of living with my husband, oldest son and then my daughters addictions. I had two younger children to also take care of. My life was out of control along with their addictions.
There is always hope........ I have a very strong faith in GOD. Where else could I go to with my sorrows.
My husband has now been clean for 3 1/2 years, my son has been clean for 4 years, my daughter has been in a Christian recovery home in Philly for 9 months and is doing awesome. She decided she was sick and tired of being sick and tired. There is always hope....
Does you son live with you? If so kick him out. I kicked out all three of my loved ones at different times. Very, very hard to do but I needed to let go and let GOD. Each time I kicked them out they then had to figure it out on their own. My husband went to rehab for 3 months. My older son didnt go to rehab that time but I too had sent him when he was 17 and he had relapsed. He got clean at 23 on his own. My daughter went to victory outreach on her own after we kicked her out for the third time.
Please look into alanon meetings, you will receive support, encouragement and learn how not to enable him.
Please get yourself some counseling and take care of you. Exercise, eat right, try to get some sleep. Let go and let GOD.
Sending prayers, hope and peace,
Debbie
Avatar universal
HI there,

                I am a recovering addict and felt the need to respond, as I put both of my parents in a similar position for about 10 years, I thought I would share my experience with this, and how my parents reacted to my drug use, in hopes that I can help somehow.
              
              Unfortunately for everyone involved, there was nothing that could be done to make me change when I was just so addicted to these awful drugs. They tried rehabs, counseling, and even courts got involved.....I would come out of rehab as what my parents would also describe as a "changed person" only to relapse within 60 days every time. I just was not ready. Jail, overdosing and losing custody of my own young child did not change my mind, so there was nothing my parents could do or say either. This was just my experience...there has been many parents with kids that have been successful with rehabs after the first time....not that they are doing anything different than you or my parents were....the addict was just ready...something clicked for them...it worked.   I realize the wait for this is about as horrible as it gets....in the meantime one can worry if the addict struggling will ever make it, or if the addiction will just take them completely. Not only is the addict sick now, but the parent is worrying themselves just as sick. Which is not anyones fault..it is expected....parents have cared for  all their children all of their lives, so this just amplifies when it is felt that they are in danger...but this is just exhausting...and mom and dad have to take care of themselves too!

            After exhausting all other routes, and themselves...my parents had no other choice but to start taking care of themeselves, or travel with me on this path of distruction. I went my own way....this did not change my use at the time....but I soon grew exhausted with this lifestyle....I had burned all my bridges. I finally decided to fight back....nobody made this decision for me......nobody could. I did not want to live like that anymore.  I am very grateful today that I made it to that point....and have a working relationship with my parents now. Although I felt at the time that I was abandoned, I now know that I pushed them to no other option, and they had to live, not go down with me. Today, I am alive, sober and happy. And will work at this every day to keep it.

This was just my experience.....

I do agree, with finding an alanon mtg in your area, or counseling (or both) would be very beneficial to you.

I wish you and your family the very best......
Have an Answer?
Top Addiction Answerers
Avatar universal
phoenix, AZ
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Avatar universal
edinburgh, Scotland, United Kingdom
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
For people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the COVID-19 pandemic can be particularly challenging.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.