Am I weak person? Is any of this normal?

[norrin]

At times I feel like I should have done this a long time ago. Tell my story that is or even what goes through my head as I try to continue to love someone who still is trying to love themselves. Trying to support and love an addict. I’ve been married a little over a year and have been with my wife about 3.5 years. She developed an alcohol problem as well as substance abuse. I have been with her through being cheated on over 5 times and being lied to at all times. Through disrespect and through her putting everyone and everything before me. Well now she is here in Yuma and is going through treatment and today she told me she wanted nothing to do with me yet again. For some reason I feel calm and it makes no sense to me at all. She says she’s not happy and I get that she is hurt. About a week ago she found out that I had been talking to another woman. I had no intentions on pursuing anything and even though I had said somethings I shouldn’t have it was all for attention. Attention that my wife had never given me but to countless other people. She said that I didn’t deserve a reason on why she wanted to end things with me and I can’t for the life of me understand that. She thinks that her running away and starting a fresh is going to fix her life. Her reasoning is completely jacked up and I get that she has been sober for about a month now but she swears she has everything figured out. But I am concerned whether it is with her reckless spending or just mood swings. I can only take but so much ad yet I am still here and I can’t figure out why. I mean yes I love her but is this what love is? Will she ever understand me or want to talk every time I try to talk she gets nasty or defensive. Just last night and this morning she loved me and wanted to do so much and then this afternoon she’s done. She doesn’t want to love me I can tell that she is trying to be hurt and just trying to hold onto anything to be mad at me. I can’t seem to figure out what my breaking point is and I feel weak. I do a lot of reading and re-search on recovery and maybe that is why I am patient. But I ask myself when enough is enough? I wonder how she can give up on me so easily and yet still claim she loves me when I have stuck by her through everything. Now that she feels like she is better and she obviously has a long way to go she claims to want nothing to do with me. But she leaves some of her stuff at my house she changed her number and then gave me the new one she was spending the night and all. I am thinking that I just need to give her space and time because her words say one thing but then at times she says she wishes I would fight for her.  She tends to meet new people and latch on to them hard and they become her priority or addiction and I am trying to understand what they have that I don’t. I just want to be heard and know that I am not weak or crazy.

[Nighthawk61]

Hi Norrin, Welcome to Medhelp and the Living with an Addict Community. You are not weak, you've had to have superhuman strength to endure what you've gone through this last 3.5 years watching your loved ones life implode as it has. You're tired. There's a difference. What you're going through with the addict in your life is par for the course I'm afraid.

I know that from your perspective that it is very unfair that now that your wife has some sobriety that her mind has not cleared up enough to truly appreciate your love and standing by her all these years. It's hard to understand, but the reality is that addiction is a living hell, and an addict when they have any clean time at all , will not thank an enabler, but rather, affix blame to an enabler that has made it easier for them to use for years (forgiving her for cheating and lying made it easier for her to cheat and lie). A woman might misconstrue that if you accepted and forgave her for cheating might mean you don't love her enough to care. In her mind she might be thinking, if he even considered another women, i'd be seething with jealousy? Why wasn't he that jealous?

The fact is that this woman that is your wife was possibly sick long before she ever took a drink and it is the underlying sickness that she must heal from before she can be completely available in any relationship. Yes, she must take this time to work on herself. Hopefully she has the right team that will be able to access what is wrong with her thinking, that is hiding underneath her addiction. It could be ptsd, it could be abandonment issues manifesting into i'll leave him before he leaves me, it could be that she is confused and blaming you for enabling her to stay drunk and blames you for her going out with other men. It's complex and overwhelming to think of the possibilities that could be at work beneath a 30 days clean time tag.

From this day forward, you need to talk to an Addictions Therapist for yourself., so that you can really understand all the powers that are at play here. You can learn to understand everything of a person that you can't see that manifests itself in addiction. Once you've shared your story, you will become mentored into a system of actions that will solidly direct you into a non enabler status. Without that , you have nothing to offer your women. Think of it like this. You did enabler her. She learns in treatment to go nowhere that she will be enabled. That's it would be dangerous for her. She can't consider going back to you unless you too are familiar with the substance abuse world and all that it entails.  Let her go at this time to work her program and you work yours. There may be a place and time that you can still come together, but you'll both need to be able to talk about the truths and forgive each other, in order to move forward. This will not be an instant fix but if you can be patient and work out your own life right now, and be healthy and satisfied that you've put the work into truly understanding substance abuse rehabilitation, you've got a chance to work things out with her.

Strongerone, Deb and myself. are happy to walk through this with you to the end. Sending more love. Liz

[Deb179]

Hi Norrin,
I'm glad you told your story, when we can do that...WE begin to heal :)
First off I want to tell you,  there's nothing wrong with you. it's clear your heart is huge, you give the benefit of the doubt, you'll take pain before trying to cause it.
second strongerone (ahhhh she is :) hit the nail right on the head, not sure I can add much !!
I too am the mom of a recovering heroin addicted son, our relationships a bit diffrent, but the story of addiction the same.
as strongerone says there comes a time as much as you love and want to help your addict...we can do no more, we become numb, that's our first indication that it's time to work on us
I always felt that numbness was for our protection.
They will take us to a very dark place if we follow
I'm sure you very much love her, but for your sanity it might be best if you can try to emotionally detach, unail she's ready....it's not easy, but until some one or something changes...nothing will.
Unfortunately it seems to be the one that loves the addict to make that decision for both of you
Were here for you & will make a better attempt at staying connected

[strongerone]

Norrin,
Welcome to this site. Responses on this site have been slow recently but there are some awesome support folks on here and I encourage you to stay with us.
You describe exactly what all of us live with when we love an addict. My addict is my adult son who has finally hit 9 months sober so it CAN be done.
There are 2 other women on here who are truly gifted at being able to guide our broken hearts through the agony of loving an addict. Both of them will tell you that the fact that you are feeling calm when your wife tells you she is done with you means that you have hit your bottom. We become so hurt, disillusioned, used as we live with an addict that at a certain point our emotions shut down. I honestly felt like I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted him to go away. And this is a child I gave birth to and loved more than I loved myself....but I was so done.
And that is probably where you are now.
Everyone on here will tell you it is not possible to have a healthy relationship with an addict. Addicts use us for their needs. They do not have it in them in active addiction to truly care for and reciprocate in a relationship. If they are being nice and caring...it is because they want something from us. And I am sure they hate themselves for using us that way but it is the way of addiction. It owns them and takes priority over all things.
Painful to hear I know. I have been there.
It is so good that your spouse is in rehab/recovery currently. This is a very unbalanced time for an addict and they must focus on themselves and their recovery above all else during this time. Your wife sounds confused and that is absolutely normal under the circumstances. Imagine the remorse and regret an addict must confront when they emerge from the drug addled minds. The pain is immense and sometimes manifests itself in anger as well.
You have suffered too. And you deserve to be able to step away and let her deal with her issues and give you time to recover. AlAnon would be a wonderful support environment for you right now but this , and other, sites saved my sanity during my years of dealing with my son.
You have paid a huge price for your wife's addiction and your attempt to help her has dragged you down.
Best advice we can give is the addict has to want it for themselves and has to do the work. They can't do it for us or a marriage or for anything else. If they don't do it for themselves, it just won't stick.
Back away and focus on yourself right now. Take care of yourself. Only time will tell if she stays in recovery and still wants this marriage.
I wish the best for you. Please ask us any questions and I will try to stay close to how things progress for you