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Coping with drug-related arrested development daughter

My daughter was 14 or 15 when she started drugs; opiates mostly. She's 32 next month and has been on methadone for about 4 years. She has two children ages 5 and 6. Their father is a narcissist alcoholic. She left him a year ago and moved back home with kids in tow. She's working part time and going to school. She's still involved with kids' father on some level; it changes frequently from hate to "in love." She's had at least four boyfriends in the last 6 months; dragging the kids along. Last weekend she got herself arrested for starting a fight with a girl who was coming on to her "current" boyfriend and he was enjoying the attention. She makes stupid, immature decisions, leaves homework for the last minute, is awful with money, her kids won't listen to her - at all - and thinks she's doing the best she can. She and the kids live with us and I'm ready to kick her to the curb. The only thing holding me back is the kids. If I were to kick her out, she'd lose her transportation and wouldn't be able to go to school or work. She'd probably end up with the kids' father at the house he shares with many other people who are as useless as he. She seems to do the opposite of anything her father and I suggest; example: letting her 5 year old take a drink to bed. He pees the bed, of course, after we've told her to stop giving him liquids after a certain time. He never pees when we put him to bed. At this point I am so angry with her I can't even talk to her for fear I will say something I can't take back. Any suggestions?
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Withdraw all your support. let her know you will take the kids for awhile, if she needs rehab. Don't help her in any way. Her job, her kids, you, none if it will matter if she keeps using. It sounds heartless, but it's true. She has to have consequences that inspire her to do this for herself. Kids are not enough, job security is not enough, she has to realize she is out of control. As long as someone picks up the pieces, she can keep living out her selfish life. I know, I've been there. My kids mean everything to me, but I couldn't quit for them. I love my wife as much as is possible, but I couldn't quit for her. I had to feel alone and desperate to wake up. In the end, my wife never left physically, but she stopped helping me in any way. She even laid in bed crying, while I gasped for air and was very close to bed, but she told me she wouldn't give me CPR again. That was a close call. I know now that I am a good person, but I am an addict. I always meant well, I always provided for my family. I provided everything but me. It was the threat of having noone to support, the fear of dying alone that pushed me to do it for myself. It felt selfish, but it was the only way. I had to focus on me and my addiction, it took total isolation to realize that. Her job is not worth a life of drugs, nothing is. It will be hard, but cut her off. If the kids are in danger, take them. Do what it takes, she will thank you one day. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I still feel sad and embarrassed about how I acted, but I'm making up for it now. Does she know she has a problem?
Avatar universal
She knows she has a problem and that's why she went on the methadone treatment. She doses daily but the amount is decreasing. She and the kids live with us. If I kick her out she will take the kids with her and I have no recourse at this point. My problem with her is dealing with her immature behavior and lack of intelligent decision making skills. I guess I just needed to vent a little but thank you for your response and good luck on your continued recovery.
Avatar universal
You don't have to kick her out, but I'm sure you help her in some way. Does her methadone clinic require NA or counseling? I would require that, if she lived with me. The thing is, methadone is synthetic, time release heroin. It changes people over time, they don't even know, I didn't. Stopping drugs, or going on a drug therapy drug, is only the beginning. She really has to work on why she used, she likely doesn't know, or thinks it was only about the party. Drugs block our emotional pain too, hence the heartless, self-centered, immature attitude you are discribing. Cognative/Behavioral Therapy works best for me. Personal growth and maturing as a drug addict is a lot of work. If she doesn't work the 12 steps or try to better herself in any way, I feel she may stay immature her whole life. Do you do anything for her or give her money? Is there any consequences you could give her at all? I fear more for the kids growing up learning her behavior than anything else. I grew up around immature party parents, I became a severe drug addict. It sounds like she has a pretty easy life, I don't have anyone but my wife to watch the kids, and am so thankful, that must be nice to have you. She is a lucky girl, I wish she appreciated it more. I'm always jealous of people with good parents. I finally am a good one, so the cycle stops here. Anyway, hope something changes for your family soon, it is very hard loving an addict.
God Bless You.
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