Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
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Avatar universal

Don't judge please just real advice relationship and prego

So I'm seriously just looking for relationship advice. To sum it up my bf and I have been together for 8 years. Both addicts we have used together and been clean together. About 2 years ago we relocated and he was offered a good job he has a 401k, great Benifits, etc and if he can keep this job he'll be good for life they give continuous raises and are aware of his past and he's a good worker. We have a 19 month old now and although it's been a beautiful year it's also been a bad one. I stopped using my drug of choice (heroin) when I found out I was Prego and have been on subs since. I had a relapse of 2 weeks using Coke but felt terrible about myself and stopped. I can now tell that my mindset is entirely different than when I thought I wanted to stay clean before lol now I actually do want that. I don't want any of our past mistakes to affect our children. I pass weekly drug tests at my dr and am currently Prego again 14 weeks. Now he has had a tough time on and off using Coke.  The whole pregnancy before he stayed clean and it wasn't until about 5 months after she was born that this allnstartrd. I think before he thought he could go out and party once in a while like ppl do and be done but now he sees how bad things have gotten between us but it's weird bc we will be fine everything going good supporting eachother and then he'll use Coke for one day and it goes downhill quick. I am still working through anger and pain I have from before bc when we went the two weeks we took out loans and stuff and we've been getting them paid down but what hurts me is that when he has had these relapses he lies about them and one thing I have always held close to my heart about us is that we told eachother the truth no matter what. I know he's trying but I am also trying and the stress it causes is too much and he's so amazing the way he helps like I feel like we're a good team and have a good system down with our daughter but there's been a couple of these relapse days and I can't understand for the life of me why it has to be that I find out after the fact ans have to pull it out of him. We've had so many talks where we both say we'll be supportive and not judge of one of us is feeling weak by I'm just at the point now where it's like do it or don't and my journey in my own sobriety cannot be overshadowed by these problems and I don't know how to move forward together like we have been if he keeps stepoing back. I'm just so worried that it's all gonna fall apart and he's been the one person there for me when no one was always made sure I had somewhere to live and he is a really good father but I feel like it's slowly slipping away and then I'm worried he'll get it together for good and i will still be stuck on being hurt and it won't work and I'm worried that we created this beautiful family and we'll have to end up shuffling our kids back and forth...I dunno I am prego and emotional and even when I'm not invert hunk everything I just know we're both trying but I guess I'm jut looking for some feedback or if anyone has been in this situation...
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Avatar universal
I guess sometimes I get mad bc we've been in this together and I feel that right now I'm more ahead in my recovery or feel like I'm stronger and I don't really know....
Avatar universal
Hello. I don't know if I can help you, but I'm going to try to give you some insight. Your husband sounds like a good man, but he is an addict. When you are in active addiction, it is a very selfish and lonely place to be, and that is what you think about, your addiction. When he isn't using, he is kind, caring, considerate, helpful, loving, etc etc. When he is using, he isn't that way and I'm not trying to be rude or mean, but he is self involved and distracted and "distant" from the people that love and care about him and that are not active addicts. You are farther ahead in your recovery for one reason, you WANTED to quit using and you were ready so you set your mind to it, and it sounds like you are working very hard at staying sober for yourself and for your children. Your husband is obviously not in the same place as you and is not READY to quit yet. He may not use all the time, but he still uses and it changes him. I also live with an addict. He is an alcoholic and he's a great man and great father, but I'll tell you, when he is drunk, I can't stand him. He looks different, he acts different, he talks different, I just don't like him. And that is not an odd thing. He can go months and months without drinking, but when he picks up a drink, he can't stop and he turns into a very irresponsible, selfish a**hole! And because of that, in my heart and in my mind, I have become very resentful and bitter at him even when he is sober. I was also dependent on pain pills and have 105 days free of them. I took them for legitimate pain purposes and my body grew dependent on them and coming off that was hell, and I think "if I can do this, why can't he" and I would get more pissed off, but the truth of the matter is, I was ready and he isn't. He is also in legal trouble and has been since I've known him, and it is all because of alcohol. He is on felony probation due to this and is court ordered to attend an alcohol program, but he still finds ways to drink, and he isn't learning anything from this program because he is only there because he HAS to be so he doesn't take it seriously and doesn't think it applies to him and it's because he doesn't think he has a problem and that he can control it because he doesn't drink every day and therefore, this program won't help him. He isn't ready to be helped. And one thing I have learned from my counselor is that if someone is not ready to help themselves, then there is no way you are going to be able to help them. I learned alot about enabling, and even though you may not think you are enabler like I did, I learned that I was. You should google that, and also google loving detachment. That will give you some insight and help you. There are also meetings that you can go to it is called Al-Anon. It is for the family and friends whose loved ones are addicts and it will give you support and help as to how to deal with living with an addict. My counselor and believe it or not, my doctor, have been amazing and are my rocks as well as part of my support system for this. You have little ones to think about, and believe me, whether you want to believe it or not, or your husband wants to believe it or not, the more he uses, the more you both will be brought down. And you don't want him to end up like my husband and get into legal trouble. Addicts also do not think that they have any consequences to their actions, and if they do somewhere in the back of their mind think about consequences, they think nothing will ever happen to them because they are them and their addiction isn't that bad, they don't use everyday, etc etc. You need to think about you and your recovery and your babies and hopefully your husband will come around. I am to the point right now where I have told my husband that if he keeps drinking, he is going to lose his family and I fully intend on following through with that because if I don't, then it is just an empty threat so then he will think that no matter what he does I will never leave him. My counselor told me that alot of times when this situation arises, that the person that has lost everything they loved will get their s**t together, and will be very interested in starting over with the person that has left them. And I would wait forever for my husband. Addicts hurt the whole family, not just themselves, and you do NOT want your children to grow up thinking that doing drugs is ok or knowing that their father does drugs and so on and so forth. I hope that I have given you some sort of starting place. Like I said, please google "am I an enabling my addict husband" and also "loving detachment." Also google an Al-Anon meeting in your area and go to that. You are free to take your baby with you. May God be with you and good luck to you. Please post for support and let me know how you are doing. You can also message me if you want to. Sorry this post is so long, but like I told everyone that ever posted to me, the longer the better, the more information I can gather, the better off I will be. Take Care Hon and take care of you and those babies! Stress is not good your unborn little.
Avatar universal
Thanks for giving me some insight into your situation and sharing your thoughts on the matter! See I think what has been hard for me the most is separating our recoveries and the reason is bc we set out to do this together and when i go to my weekly groups and I hear about ppl slipping up its not a big deal to me it happens and as long as you get right back into your plan I think it's a very normal thing when you're trying to overcome addiction but when he's done it it like makes me feel like we failed at something together in a way and it's so dissapointing to me. A big part of it too is that he wasn't very forthcoming when he has and that's bc he's ashamed and doesn't wanna stress me out but finding out after the fact has hurt the trust we have and to make a long story short I think it is worth it for us to put the work into our relationship bc we do have a deep connection and a family together but it's taken me a long time to realize that no matter what I may say or do its up to him and I think I've gotten to the point where it's like do it or don't...and things have been good w us but I just cannot intermingle my recovery w his bc it will make me resent him and it will delay my progress . The only thing that makes it hard for me is we have a hour together we live together every aspect of our life is together so when these slip ups do occur it's not like we have our own space and can live apart so I see it as a huge **** yoy (pardon my language) to our bills and responsibilites we share Yanno...I dunno I know relationships in general arencomplicated and I know recovery is hard and it just can get frustrating when things are not going the way they have been but that's life inguessnright?! I do know that I don't wanna resent him in any way and I don't want to bring our kids up in any type of environment that feels tense so if it ever really gets to that point I'd hope that I'd be strong enough to just take time apart...he's always been the one person who's been there for me I know it sounds cliche but I've had some really hard things I've gone through and when I was feeling really low about myself and my friends turned their backs he made me feel like I was worth something and even if we wernt together in a romantic way I can't ever imagine not having that friendship so that's why I asked for advice and I'm really looking into myself bc I don't wanna loose it all and be filled w resentment Yanno what I mean?! Thanks for listening it helps to get advice from someone that really knows how I may feel...and congrats on getting off the pain pills it's so hard and it makes it harder when u have stress around too so that's a big deal!!!!
Avatar universal
You're welcome for responding. I just want you to know that the "loving detachment" i am talking about is not detaching yourself from the person per-say, and it is definitely not leaving the relationship or anything...it is more identifying you as a person, and him as a person, and learning to live independently as opposed to co-dependantly in other words, if that makes sense to you. You stay together, but his disease and what his choices are are not yours, they are his and so are the consequences. And learning to not be an enabler is HUGE! I know it doesn't seem like we are enabling, but if you google it and look at what it says, we are enabling, and I have had to work on this tremendously because I didn't realize I was doing it in the first place. I'm hoping that your situation is improving and that he will see that you and his family are far more important than his addiction and get to that spot where he thinks it is better to get busy living than stay busy dying. Much love to you and your family.
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