Yes.Read my last post/journal entry. I understand you. I'm going through the same guilt/love/hate/desperation now. I haven't ended it yet, but I want to, need to, in order to keep my sanity. Thing is, my wife wouldn't know that I'm gone if I don't show up for 10 days because she is so deep in her fantasy world. She wouldn't love or hate me. She tells everyone else how much she loves me, but the truth, she doesn't know I exist. And I'm still there for her. Still waiting for her to love me back. We enablers don't know how to take care of ourselves, because for years we took care of our life sucking addicted spouses!
It’s funny how we all feel so alone and emotionally wrecked but we're all stuck in the same place and for many of the same reasons. It’s unfortunate that this is our mutual understanding.
I don't know what I was thinking I guess I just thought that all of those emotionally draining feelings while I was in the relationship were just going to leave once I did. Huh? Hopefully we will all figure it out in due time. It's just so up and down and up and down... why do we go through it all?
The ups and downs come because we are thinking, feeling people, who found ourselves abused by those who need a fix. We love a person who loves the fix and nothing else. Whatever the addict does, relates to getting the next fix. They are nice to us if we are the means to the next fix. The are nasty to us if we stop them. We love them all the way through. Our ups and down result from our addiction to the addict. The addict's behavior results from getting or not getting a fix.
It's that simple and that is sad. If you've left him, you didn't stop thinking about him, wondering when he would realize that he had lost you. He, in turn, will think about his next fix.
It is SO HARD FOR ME. I understand you. Keep talking about it here. We are safe. We will never hurt you.
Read a small book called "An Addict in the Family." It helped me a lot.
Gives the phrase "get a life" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?
How are you doing now, imlettinggonow? I am having struggles too. I find it difficult to face reality and just letting go. I feel guilty with wanting to just get out of this relationship and when I catch her lying, she twist it around and make me feel rotten.
So, yes, I do try to stay strong myself! :)
i think i may have figured out where the guilt comes from..... today i finally kicked an alcholic EX boyfriend out who I reluctantly let move in with me a year ago because he was homeless at the time. I regretted ever since. He has started another binge last week and because of all the other stress going on in my life, I completely lost it and decided he's gotta go for real now. So, after he acted out again today and smashed a mirror, I decided today was the day. I told him to get out, and then for 20 minutes straight I had to listen to him tell me how much he has done for me, he is just going to go kill himself, I am crazy, its my fault he doesnt have motivation to get better... blah, blah blah. I realized that this is the same crap he always says to me, but the only difference today was I didnt believe it. I saw it for what it was, a pathetic attempt to hurt and manipulate me into changing my mind and letting him stay. Well, he left, and I really dont feel guilty. I am not even angry this time. I finally saw the part I have been playing in this craziness and made the decision that i dont want to do it anymore. I dont want to enable a grown man to continue drinking. There is nothing we can do to make them stop. And the more we try, the deeper we get sucked into this insanity. Anyways, maybe the guilt you are feeling is because this person has fed you lies in the past & you believed them. If that is the case, as it was for me, then please know none of it is true. You just want to be at peace & not be forced to have a front row seat at watching someone kill themself or make themself insane anymore.. there is nothing to feel guilty about for that. You can & will get through this, one day at a time..
Victory is yours Akita. I am happy for you that you finally broke the viscious circle. I will use your strength to break mine! :)
well, today was just day one... i am just handling this as an addiction of a different nature. I realize that i have alot of healing to do because unless i get all this stuff straightened out in my head, i will just keep repeating the cycle either with him again or with someone new. I am trying very hard not to let my past & emotions control me this time. i have had a few moments today where guilt pangs popped up, and i got a little teary eyed, and i started wondering where he is and is he ok.... but just like it took me a while to get used to not living a life controlled by drugs, it is going to take time for me to start living a life without being an enabler. I dont know how this is going to turn out, but i have a feeling it will be much better after this intial 'detox' process of letting go. Just keep getting youself support and sharing, changing ourselves is possible, changing others is completely impossible. Every day is a new day:)