It would be good for you to go to a support meeting and actually interact with other people in your situation. My parents went to tough love and another like Alanon but drug related.
I let my health suffer due to my addict brother until I just said get out one night. I told him I'd press charges against him and call 911 if he didn't leave within 15 min. I knew he was holding illegal drugs. He made a few desperate calls and I got rid of him. He couch surfed on one of his drug connects place.
You can do what you have the intestinal fortitude to do.
Drive him to a homeless shelter. Rent him a room in a half way house.
Proceed legal eviction papers against him to have him removed by the sheriff. It's up to you. Personally I had made a concrete decision over 10 yrs ago and have never waivered from my position. He was no longer in my home or in my life. I grieved as if he had died. It was terrible for me. I wasn't full of any indecision or remorse. I was just hurt. And sad. My support group helped me process my own feelings.
So, do what you are capable of doing without caving. You need help. From a support group, your pastor or your Dr.
Getting him out of your house is easy. It's the making up your Ming to do it and live with your feelings that will be the challenge. I hope this helps a little.
I think you are doing the right thing to have him go on his own. Maxy
I have to agree with all of the above words.
I put my son out 2 times, when I say out, it wasn't just out of my home. It was also out of my life as long as he was an active user.
As of today he is over 2 years in recovery, we have reconnected in a very deep way, but we both know how life will go if he decides to use again, like maxy says...its a concrete decision, and I too will stand strong with that choice. He brought me very low, I will not allow him to do that to me again in my life time.
The first time I put him out, was Thanksgiving day after dinner. I had to kick him under the table to keep him from falling face first in his food. Not sure what it was, but that was the day I went numb. I made his older brother take him from my home. My oldest son dropped him at one of his "buddies" houses. My son begged to come home, I refused. He was kicked out of where he was staying, he begged again...Im not proud of this as I know I could have lost him due to situations others than his addiction, but I let him sleep under a bridge in Jan in NY....long story.
Eventually he gave in, got clean and stayed that way for over a year. I let him come home when he proved himself to me. He met a female active user and spiraled out of control. Before I had the chance to make him leave again...he ate my disabled daughter prescription pills and slit his wrist. This time it was out of my hands, they took him away. It was a blessing in disguise.
A crisis counselor asked me to take responsibility for him on his release. I refused...I knew I was done. My situation was a bit extreme, I battled with the discussion to make him leave for many many months prier ....I didn't have the heart, until he made me numb. In the long run, I believe it was that numbness that he made me feel to be what saved his life.
A mom here, made the decision, which I give her a lot of credit for, wish I had done the same, a year before I was forced to let go.
She gave her son the choice. Either long term help or he had so many days to leave. While most of our kids learn we will probably back down
( they bank on it ) when we can stand our ground strong and follow through I believe it is the beginning step for them and us. Her son didn't make the move of finding help, mom gave him a bag and let him go. I know she is broken, its a very hard painful thing to do, but I believe she also prevented major pain that was still to come.
Another mom, had the same talk with her son, but she waited until she saw him high again and sent him on his way. He got it rather fast, and has many months of clean time backing him now.
If only there were real answers.
Just know your not alone here
Hello mom and welcome.
You can not save him. Our best intentions become enabling.
He has to suffer the consequences of his actions.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Tell him you love him and can not watch him continue to kill you and himself.
You will support his recovery not his addiction.
He has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. He has to figure out his own recovery. You have tried. He needs to do the work.
He always depends on you to rescue him.
If so, you have to tell him to leave.
He can't live there and continue to use.
We get just as sick as they are. If our love could save our children from their addictions there would be a lot less addicts.
Please go to al-anon or nar-anon meetings. You need to learn how not to enable. You need to be supported and encouraged. We need recovery too.
I had to throw my daughter out after I had supported, helped her, bailed her out of jail, after she stole from us, after I paid for a lawyer, after she wreaked havoc in our home. After years I had enough.
It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.
When I did she took responsibility for her addiction and checked herself into
A Christian women's home. She has been clean for 28 months.
There is always hope.
Keep the faith.
He has to figure this out on his own.
We have to let go and let GOD.
Thankyou so much for the response. I have read all of your posts and the one continuos thing is I need to get help for myself. My girlfriend and my doctor have both told me to go to al-anon. We don't have a narc-anon close by. I will look up the meeting times and get myself there. And I have to let go and let GOD like you said.
I read many of your posts yesterday and it's because of them that I decided to post on the forum. I have never done anything like this before. As I told "at the beach", I need to get help for myself. I've just gone downhill over the last 5 years and am sick of it. I get so angry with my son but then I don't do anything about it. I just brood and then eventually my husband and I start arguing. I can absolutely tell you the best time in the last 5 years was when my son was in jail. That's a horrible thing to say, but at least he wasn't using and I knew he was safe. I slept great and my husband and I had a good time. We had the house to ourselves and started enjoying life the way mature adults should after they have raised their children.
Thank you again and I will post after my first meeting to keep you updated. I'm hoping talking about this will start all of us on the road to recovery.
I'm glad you posted Kathy, it's a beginning for you, stay with us.
When I came here 4 years ago. ..I silently read for over a month before I had the strength to post. ..I was a desperate, broken mess... I thought. ..how will any body be able to help me ?
It was the best thing i could have done for myself, when I finally wrote that post.
I finally found people that knew exactly where my life was. I didn't have to say much, they already knew my story, as most of them had already lived it.
I found guidance, hope and a will to fight on, what a blessing they were to me.
Nothing about what your facing will be easy, but you have friends here that will help show you the way.
Stand strong in your decision when you make it, and KNOW your doing it for him.
Stay close. ..ok