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Avatar universal

Has methadone affected your marriage?

My husband and I will be married 2 years in Dec and we are on our 2nd separation. When we first started dating everything was wonderful. We laughed, stayed up all night talking, couldn't stand to be apart and three short weeks later him and his daughter moved in with me. Then 3 months later I discovered he was on methadone. Every day he would leave and go somewhere very early in the mornings and he'd pull $70 out of the ATM. I decided to track him and discovered his secrete. I've never done hard drugs and had no idea what methadone was or why people would take it. I knew about his past heroine addiction but he told me that God had saved him and was 7 years sober. Discovering the methadone though severely hurt our relationship. Yet I loved him and wanted to support him, tried to understand and accept that methadone was better than the alternative and he promised to detox. He went from 80mg to 50mg and without telling me went back up to 80mg because he said the stress was too great. He was in the middle of his first divorce which was also his daughter's mother (who btw wanted nothing to do with her little girl that was only 15 mos old) and we wanted to buy a house. He told me that once we bought a house and the divorce was over that he would detox. Soon his divorce was final, he purchased a house and everything seemed to be moving in the right direction. It was then that we started talking seriously about getting married. This was going to be my 3rd marriage though and I wanted to wait, plan a real wedding and not rush into anything. He kept insisting and eventually I gave in and that same year we was married. My only stipulation was that after the wedding he would detox and he agreed. In April of 2014 though, everything changed. He’d been sick several times, lost 2 jobs and decided it was time to see the Dr. That same evening after his appt he came home, collapsed on the couch and we cried for hours over the devastating news. He was Hep C positive and I just went numb. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to feel. It felt like the world had been ripped out from under us. He went on disability and our world became a host of dr appointments, specialists, tests and a lot of time waiting for answers. In the meantime I was still working, taking care of him, our 2yr daughter and financially supporting the household on my income and his disability. As for him, this is when I found out about Xanax and the horrible effects it can have on someone's life. To cope he told his Dr that he was having extreme anxiety attacks, couldn't sleep and needed something to deal with the depression however he failed to mention that he was also on methadone. The two drugs mixed together turned him into a zombie to the point that his hands and feet swelled so much that he couldn't walk. My first thought was it was the Hep C that causing the side effects, however I soon realized that it was the Xanax and he refused to get off of them.

After months of dealing with everything he was approved to take some new drugs (Olysio / Solvadi) and within 12 weeks he was completely cured from the Hep C and he did detox from the Xanax. In the process though I lost my job and we was now living on his disability and my unemployment. We decided to start a cleaning business and while it has been fairly successful the problem soon became that I was the one working while he slept on the couch. I kept hoping that if I kept doing what I was supposed to do that he'd wake up (literally and figuratively speaking) and join me and at times he would but then I started to notice that there wasn't a week when he wasn't sick with something (stomach cramps, nausea, headaches, body aches) and he would need to stay home. That same summer my sister came to stay with us and after seeing what was going on and much talking I decided it was time to leave. My heart was broken. I cried for weeks straight and to make matters worse the weekend after I left he started seeing someone else. And there were other things that I learned like the fact that he had dentures (not sure how I missed that one) and I discovered through his own family that he’d known about the Hep C for at least 5 years. I was devastated. Eventually though we started talking, I tried to understand his shame and ultimately I forgave him and we decided to give it another try. I moved back, we started counselling and prayed that everything would go back to the way it was when we first met. Within a week though I discovered that the reason he was so emotional was because he was back on the Xanax and he wasn’t getting the pills from a Dr he was buying them off the street. It was like living with a drunk. We would be talking and he’d flat pass out in the middle of a conversation. His sex drive was through the roof but that was only in the evenings and if he could stay awake. And again, the way I found out about everything was because I had put a tracking app on his phone. I confronted him and he was livid. How could I do such a thing? Needless to say, the Xanax wasn’t all he was hiding. Turns out that he had created an online dating profile and still had his old girl friend’s number in his phone. He insisted that he needed to Xanax and that if he had insurance he would have a prescription. I insisted that his reasoning was insane and that what he needed to get off the pills and the methadone and pay attention to our marriage and daughter. Eventually my reasoning half way won and he did get off the Xanax. For the first time ever he was working and we was running the business together. A few weeks later though, the same stuff started to kick in and at least once a week he was sick and needed to stay home. I can’t begin to tell you the number of nights that I would go to bed alone while he was passed out on the couch. I started to keep a calendar of the nights he’d actually sleep in the bed with me, the days he would work and the few times we’d actually have sex. Going to church together became a thing of the past and it felt like he’d completely checked out of our marriage. He even forgot my birthday and when he realized it, all I got was a happy birthday before he settled back on the couch. Our last fight was when I had finally had enough and point blank asked just how long he was going to continue pretending to be sick and laying around on the couch. Our last words were harsh and the result was him demanding that I pack my stuff and leave. It’s been 2 weeks now and I haven’t heard a word from him.
Most people reading this will probably tell me that I’m better off, that he was just using me and that I needed to get out before he hit rock bottom but the truth is that I’m devastated and in my heart I know that it was his the addition to the methadone and Xanax that has ruined our marriage. I tried to get him into a recovery program and he would go for a few weeks then stop. His answer was that he had a prescription, he was perfectly fine taking it and it was me that had the problem. I can tell you though from firsthand experience that methadone is highly addictive and has so many negative side effects. All of the health issues that he would complain about on a daily basis were directly related to the methadone from the sleeping to stomach cramps, low sex drive, insomnia, body aches, headaches and general flu like symptoms, he had all of them and in the end he decided to choose the drugs over his marriage.

I hope that my story will help others who might be going through the same struggles and I welcome any comments from others who have been through a similar situation. I’m trying hard to understand and cope with the effects this has had on our marriage and our lives and ultimately learning to how to live my own life again without him and our daughter.
6 Responses
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm really sorry that you have had to experience what it's like to deal with an addict. Unfortunately, many Doctors continue to push drugs onto people when they know they are addicts. It's crazy, but Doctor's are responsible for a great amount of the problems that come up here on Medhelp. We are supposed to trust them, however, the fact is that people get more information if they seek out taking to people that have experience using methadone and Xanax as well as experiencing getting off methadone and Xanax.

The way that you can help here on Medhelp is to watch the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community and look for METHADONE XANAX in the title,. There you can talk to people directly about your experience. Hopefully you can spread the word that although it was tough to lose your marriage, YOU ARE DOING GREAT !!! THAT YOU HAVE MOVED ON AND , ONE DAY, HAVE FOUND ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU ARE VERY HAPPY WITH~~~

Sure , it will take time to heal form this, especially since there was a dear daughter involved, and i'm so sorry that you're hurting. Men that are messed up, whether there are drugs involved or not, often move on and more particularly choose to Start Again, with a new girl, who doesn't know any better, and they continue that cycle for the rest of their lives. So, though your husband may have moved on, and may have moved on with another girl, it is only a matter of time before he will tell her to pack her bags, if she challenges his over using prescription drugs. The fact is that methadone , although it is over prescribed, is meant to be used for an addict to get other ways of coping into their lives, like NA and AA . They should be weaning off the medication, although so often you hear that the Doctors are dripping the ball and continuing the addict on the same amount, or far too much. If an addict is nodding out, his dose is too high and he should be gong to the Doctor. Instead, some use this as an excuse to go on Disability and continue to essentially be Drug Addicts.

I hope that you would consider rally getting to know a man , moreso that you did with your husband, before moving in with them. You moved in with your husband VERY early into the game, no doubt because he had a child and you were drawn in because of that. This is SO UNFAIR to the child , as she will probably be going through, many step mothers. So it would be better for this man to NOT do that to his child and stay on his own. BUT he is needly, so undoubtedly he will have women coming and going for the rest of his messed up pathetic life.. So sad for the child.

I hope you heal and are able to help others here on Medhelp. The best thing your story could do, is to tell the adverse side effects of someone who is considering Methadone or Xanax. We need all the help we can get around here. and it's very fulfilling to help out here, so i hope you stick around. and i hear that YOU ARE HAPPY. Time will heal all .. this too will pass... You're going to be okay.....just Be Careful to take the time to read a guy properly before you give him your heart, okay?

Much peace and love to you...
Bless you for your post...
Liz
Avatar universal
Hi Liz,

Thank you for your response, it brought tears to my eyes reading it. It's hard right now to think of my life without him but I know God has better plans for my life and time heals everything. And your right about his daughter. My heart cries out for her too because I know the type of life she is going to have and to her, I'm mommy and he will tell her how her biological mother and I just walked out on her, so so sad.

As for the dosage, I'm sure he doesn't tell the Dr's that he's nodding out because he wants to take more, not less. One of the things that he would tell me that he liked about the heroine and even the Xanax was the feeling that he could escape his emotions. The drugs would put him in a state of euphoria and allow him to go numb to the point that he couldn't feel anything and all he wanted to do was sleep through the pain of life. That's why he could never detox or even consider detox is because he liked the feeling. When life got tough, he'd just pop some more pills and zone out for the day. It's a sad existence and way to live.

As for myself, I'm currently living in an extended stay hotel until I can get on my feet. My credit is shot after the past 3 years so getting my own apartment anytime soon is not an option. As for the business, I'm going to fight to keep it since I'm the one that out so many hours of my own blood, sweat and tears into building the website and did a majority of the work. I even got a huge contract with a property management company which is where most of the work is currently coming from and I'm willing to give him that contract but I want the business name and website. The website itself is not making hardly any money at the moment but in time it will grow and it's an investment in my future. On a positive note, I also have a full time job in technology and am able to support myself to it's just going to take time and patience.

And as for finding Mr. Right who will hopefully ROCK MY WORLD...I'm putting all that on hold. In all my other relationships I've rushed to find someone who will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated and this time I feel like I need to go through this emotional process and take some time to heal. Even if Mr. Right came along tomorrow, I'd mess it up because right now I'm nowhere near emotionally or physically ready to be in any type of relationship.

Thank you again for your warm response and I'll keep this post updated as I continue my journey of self recovery.

Blessings,
RkyMtnBaby
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm so glad that you have got the job in Technology , plus the company, It won't be too long before you can find a place. You might have to save every penny and pay 6 months rent in advance, to get in the door, but it sounds like you can do anything you set your mind to. Nonetheless, sorry to hear about your credit crapping out.

It's a good idea to hold off on another hot and heavy relationship to be sure, just know that there is someone out there who will not take advantage of you, and will be a proper partner for someone so deserving.

I often hear of women looking for another women to share a house with, It might be alof more comfortable and cheaper for you than the hotel. Something to peruse Kijiji and Craigslist for ....

I'm glad you'll keep your post updated.
Talk to you again soon.
Liz
Avatar universal
Yesterday was rough. I spent thanksgiving with a friend and her family and felt so out of place. I broke down and sent him an e-card with some prayer verses and let him know that I still love him and miss him...no response. He read the card but didn't say anything. I guess in my mind I just needed to feel like I'd opened the door for communication and if he didn't respond then I'd know that he was most likely with someone else and that it's really over. When we split the first time I begged him to give us another try and while we did get back together, I don't think he ever fully accepted the responsibility of his actions and just blamed me for leaving him. I also think during that time he started seeing someone else so when things got heated between us, he knew he had an out and someone else waiting for him. And as hard as it is knowing all that, it's probably for the best because knowing that he's broken the sanctuary of our marriage closes that door forever.  
3060903 tn?1398565123
Sorry that you are feeling let down after your trying to open a door .... the fact is that you have an easy out of this hell, and in the long run that's the best possible scenario. You need to give yourself that time, and do the actions that will truly let go of this marriage. Filing for divorce is something that helps a women move on and start again. It did for me. It felt very liberating at the time. Although i was madly in lust for my first husband, and it hurt like hell to let him go, i knew then that he didn't love me. It was a hard hurtle to jump, but i did it. In time, i came to realize that it was not me that he didn't love,, and it was not for my lack of trying or my fault, He simply was not capable of loving another human being, at least not this time around. He died at 38 alone and unloved. That though is his story and NOT MINE.

Your life begins. You're an accomplished women and are a good catch, However, I think that you would benefit by talking to a therapist so that you can be more certain of the types of individuals that you meet up with, and make sure that , on your end, you are not willingly walking into another co dependent relationship that will leave you heartsick.

If you have friends that will go to the gym with you, to the pool, the library and coffee, long walks, maybe spend an afternoon volunteering at a dog shelter, Just anything healthy that will help you to keep busy at this time, and enjoy the companionship of others i think you should throw yourself into that. I know you would like to help your ex , (i'm sorry to have to call him that), and that it is in your nature, and it hurts to be turned away, so maybe you can volunteer to drive someone deserving to their hospital appointments, or be a much needed companion, to an elderly person, to put your need to help others into action.

There is a really good healthy man out there for you, and until you are on your own, confidently standing on your own two feet, you will not meet. So give this new stage of your life, your best effort, and you will find the relationship you are meant to find. I actually think that there are unseen forces at work that bring people together in this world. Have some faith that it won't be long until you are in a relationship that will be more fulfilling that this last relationship could ever be. I promise you, it happened for me. It can happen for you.

Keep your thread open, we're here for the long run. You're not alone!!!
Liz
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm really glad that you were not alone at Thanksgiving, Don't worry, it will get easier  , time heals wounds.......
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