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Help please detoxing fiancé tried to kill me

I need help and advice please. My fiancé was in day 3 of detox from opiates. He had become addicted to Vicodin for about 2 months  after 10 years off of it because of very painful oral surgery but he had gotten to the point where he was stealing money and lying and confessed it all to me and decided to go cold turkey. He was in agony both from the detox and from the surgery and unbeknownst to me he texted his old dealer asking for four opiates to help him step down. When I found out and confronted him about this he grew belligerent but not violent. Then, to cope with the pain, apparently he drank a lot of bourbon. A lot. I later discovered where the dealer dropped the pills and I hid them thinking that giving them to him would be further enabling him and not respecting his wishes to detox he flipped out. He grabbed a knife and threatened to kill himself if I didn't tell him where they were and then he threw me into a wall. When I said, out of fear, that I would get them he sat on me and started choking me and held the knife to my throat and said he would kill me. I got him off and tried to appease him and begged him to let me go to the car and get them and he said he'd still have to kill me. Then he started choking me and pummeling me. I eventually managed to break free and it stopped. I have a black eye and swollen lip and bruises and I look and feel like hell. I went to the hospital and when I got back he was still around. I know I should have called the police. And I am not making excuses but he claims he remembers almost nothing, like he blacked out. He is horrified and seems potentially suicidal and is sinking into a deep depression about ruining our relationship. I don't know how to process this. He is literally a different person on the drugs and I have never seen any inkling of violence in him until this incident. He has always been chivalrous and respectful and we felt like soulmates. I know people would say I should leave but I know the person he is when not in the grip of opiates. He is now stepping down with very tiny doses and not drinking and I know that if he is successful he will be the wonderful, brilliant person he was when I met him and when he wasn't on opiates for 10 years. But at the same time I want to know: is this blackout violent behavior something that happens while withdrawing and drinking heavily to ease the pain? Or do I have a deeper problem on my hands? I know it's hard  for anyone to say without knowing him. But I have never been beaten before and I don't come from a family with a history of this and so this isn't a thing where I have a patter of getting with men who do this to me. And I never saw such darkness in him before ever. Can anyone give advice or wisdom or anything? Please I am desperate and feel sad and alone. I just want the man I fell in love with back but I also need help dealing with these emotions.
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Avatar universal
Hi!!  First let me say I am so sorry you are going through this.  I am the addict in my home and could not imagine how painful it must be to be on the other side of the coin.

It sounds like your fiance is not doing so well with all of this....let me first say that alcohol and detox do not get along well.  While detoxing your mind is absolutely on overload.  Your emotions are out of control, and I mean literally out of your control.  Most people I have talked to, and this includes myself, go through the ringer of all most all possible emotions.  With that being said, I am in no way condoning his behavior and would probably run in the other direction if he ever picks up another bottle of bourbon. Period!!

It really sounds like this man is not ready to quit or to detox.  Are you sure he has only been using for two months??  If so, that was a very fast escalation in his addiction.  I am not doubting you, just the information you have been given.  The first thing I would do is talk to him, see if you can ascertain the truth about his addiction. Explain to him that you cannot successfully help him unless you know the real story.

I think the next step would be to have him pick the day and plan the detox.  There are soooooo many things that you can take to help, research it together. Encourage after care in any and all ways.

I can tell you aren't going running out the door, so I am not going to waste your time and suggest it, he is a very lucky man to have you.  What I am going to say is you just found out something about him that you will have to live with...this man should never drink bourbon again.  If he truly loves you, he will never put it to his lips again.

No one but the addict themselves can make the decision to get clean.  Put him in charge of his own future.... as far as your future, decide your own "bottom" and stick to it because you are worth it!!!

I truly hope that this works out for the both of you.  My husband has stuck by my side through my opiate withdrawals and addiction, and I thank God for him every day.  If I told you it has been easy, that would be a bald faced lie, but we took our vows seriously.  If you decide to stay with him, you just gave him a free get out of jail card that I am not sure he deserves, but that is not for me to judge. Stay strong, good luck and God speed, Michelle
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Avatar universal
Thank you so very much for your response. I do understand why someone would say I should run, but I also know how things were before. I do know the addiction has been only about 2 months but I think because of his past bout he escalated fast and furious. He thought he could go into this surgical procedure and just "take enough" but his tolerance went through the roof incredibly fast. He was going through over 100 pills a week, easy. Way more maybe. So the detox has been hard. I do believe he wants to stop. He says he thought he could go cold turkey but it was too much clearly. Stepping down seems to be working better as he has taken only 1/2 opiate in the last 12 hours ( I am monitoring) and has surrendered all his electronic devices to me so he can't  get tempted to text his drug dealer. He is crying and rock bottom miserable over what happened - again not to excuse his behavior- but I do want to be hopeful. The weird thing about the bourbon is, we have had cocktails and drinks together before and even had too much to drink and he was never anything but fun and happy when tipsy. So I think it must have been the combination of cold turkey detox and the drinking? Again not to excuse it. But this was an aberration of epic proportions. I guess though I am having trouble separating the drug behavior from the person I love and I don't want it to be an issue going forward. Assuming he does get clean I need to figure out how to eventually forgive and forget if thugs are ever going to be the same. I want them to be. But I feel traumatized ... Like I have PTSD or something.
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8976007 tn?1413330650
LISTEN................  beating fiance's is NOT a normal detox behavior.  he could have killed you.  i am very surprised that the hospital did not report your injuries to the police.  i was in a very VERY similar abusive marriage and i will tell you..... it will happen again.  it is just a matter of when.  
they are ALWAYS nice, apologetic and suicidal after beating you.  it is called MANIPULATION.   look it up.  happens in every abusive relationship.  
that behavior after a beating is why some women choose to stay.  some think it was worth the beating to be getting so much affection afterwards.  
you need to leave and seek counseling.  only after he does some serious work on his addiction and anger management should you even consider talking to him.
if it were me, i would be gone and there would be nothing that would bring me back.  NOTHING.
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Avatar universal
Thanks you jinx 777. I do understand that cycle and believe me, the after regret/attention  is not appealing or attractive to me. I wish more than anything it never happened. No one has ever so much as slapped me.   The thing I'm struggling with is the fact that he has literally never shown any sign of an anger problem or aggression before. Ever. And I guess I don't know what normal detox behavior is as I've never been through it. I do understand your advice and know that it may very well be right. If he ever takes one more pill again I will leave. I have no choice, no matter how painful a choice that will be.
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