Loving an addict is a lot of work. You first have to fully understand addiction, and be aware that relapse happens even to those that are taking full advantage of rehab services. You've said nothing of rehab , you've mentioned he's in and out of jail, but have said nothing about what attempts he's made of getting help for himself. Typically, an addict will continue to go back and forth to an enabler. If the loved one of an addict, is educated about their part in an addicts life, they are told that they must stand their ground and demand progress towards sobriety, always in the form of Drug and Alcohol Addiction Services, or "Rehab". An Addicts life is a hard life. They love their drug of choice, and yet it is hard on them physically and emotionally and at times they do want to have a different life. Your part in this should go as follows. You contact an Addictions Therapist and talk about your case with your boyfriend. They will tell you how to not ever enable the addict. The fact of the matter is, that if you enable him with no talk of insisting he go to treatment or you'll have nothing to do with him, when he is ready to go to rehab, the first question that will be asked of him is if his partner is enabling him to continue using. If you've not insisted that he be clean and sober with you, then the therapist will tell him that if's dangerous for him to go near you. So it's areal catch 22 thing going on. You feel a bit like you're damned if you do insist he get help or you'll have to hold back from participating in a relationship, and you're damned if you don't insist he get help in the long run. So, first things first, Go and talk to an Addictions Therapist about how to help him. and plan on sticking to the plan. There is a group called Alanon that you might be somewhat familiar with. It is a group of people that get together to stop enabling an addict and it would be helpful for you to go and hear how others are getting results by working in a group and openly communicating about the addict and loved one in their lives. So these two things are imperative for you to join and follow in order to handle an addict in your life. It would help if you were familiar with the 12 step program of AA (alcoholics anonymous) CA (cocaine anonymous) NA (narcotics anonymous). It would be helpful if you went to an "open meeting" and bought the hard copies of Narcotics Anonymous 12 step book. so you are well versed in the simple 12 step programs that your boyfriend should be working towards. Although God is part of the program, if in rehab you state that you do not believe in "God" they tell you to think of "God" as "Good Orderly Direction:. so you must be well versed in having a reply should your addict come up with this excuse. If your addict is not ready to go beyond occasionally feeling that he is at Step One " We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable" he is not ready to work towards a stable relationship. You have to accept this and let him go, with love. He is a sick man, not a bad man.
I cant really add anything to what Nighthawk said. Please check out Alanon. It will help you tremendously. Keep us posted
My boyfriend has the same problems and I've been with him for a year and half. This is his 3rd time in a 60 rehab. We just ended our relationship on Sunday and he has wrecked me as well so I understand your feelings. I thought he loved me but has shown otherwise. I've taken inventory on what I did to enable him and wrote a long letter that I may or may not give to him. I just needed to figure out my part in all of this chaos. I might post it to help other's think about their parts in enabling bc I find writing to be therapeutic for me. Hope things are better for you.