I wanted to weigh in on the subject, not from a parents point of view, but I was in the same situation your daughter was in a few years ago and I am currently clean, but just to say a few things.
First of all on the matter of her boyfriend, you say that they have been together since her junior year of high school, and that she hasnt had the chance to play the field and see that there are better guys out there, but have you thought about her feelings for him? It sounds like they are typical high school sweethearts, and it seems like she truly loves this person. I believe you did the right thing trying to help them both at first, and while it may not have been successful, trying to seperate them is only going to push your daughter away, when my family thought that my girlfriend was bringing me down, It made me very angry how they treated her like she was scum, and how they thought i'd be much better off with someone else or even alone rather, I just want to let you know from experience that this is a big no-no, if she loves him as much as your saying, then you need to accept this no matter how much you may dislike him. This is her support mechanism when things are difficult and she obviously has trouble sharing everything in her life. You say that she posts on facebook about how he fights with her and being the parents of her im sure you think that this is all one sided, but id be willing to bet dollars to donuts that if you were to look at his facebook he posts similar things about her, Im sure since she is your daughter that you think she is the victim here, but fights go both ways, and as hard is it may be to believe im sure your daughter fights with him and does things to him he may not like as well. Addiction is very difficult thing to deal with and as long as they both have each other, that is something that you should never interefere with. I mean if it was a different situation where she had just met this guy and he was treating her like **** and you saw him disrespecting her on a daily basis i would say get him out of her life definetly! But to me it sounds like they are in love, and trust me from experience anyone who tried to come in between my wife and I when we were going through this we would remove them from our lives because its hard enough trying to deal with an addiction, let alone people who we felt wouldnt believe in us .Relapse is a part of recovery, I personally relapsed a good 15 times before I finally was able to get rid of this monkey on my back, and i am married now to the same woman I was going through it with, and I just have to say that If i was forced to leave her like my family wanted I would have killed myself, It was incredibly hard to go through but we had told each other that we got into this mess together and we had promised each other that we were getting out together as well.
Secondly, You state that his mother is enabling the two of them and she is in denial, but here is what I think about that, different people handle situations like this differently, while you may think that she is in denial and completely is enabling them, she may know deep down inside that they are using, but just doesn't choose to use tough love like it sounds like you are advocating. This is something you have to respect, different support systems work for different people, and while I agree that renting a car when neither of them have a license is crazy, this is something she has chosen to do.
As for the classes you say he is attending, I can personally say that those classes are very serious, and I doubt he will be able to fool those people there, if he has to submit to drug testing which is what they do after you are caught with drugs, then they will send his urine to the labratory for testing, There is absolutley no way for him to be able to fool them, because trust me i've tried everything in the book! ;) What I would do continue to ask your daughter how her boyfriend is doing in those classes, because if he is caught with drugs in his urine, they will kick him out of the class immediately, To me it sounds like you have a strong feeling that they are using, so while you dont know for sure this could be your definite way of knowing if they are or not, I say if you find out that he got kicked out then sit your daughter down and let her know you are there for her, make sure you let her know you understand that its impossible to get clean after your first attempt trying and that you support her and her decisions to stay with this boy, as much as it may pain you, and I promise she will respect you greatly for that, If you find out that he is in fact still in those classes then I would just back off the situation for a while, It will cause bigger issues if you accuse them of using or start treating your daughter like you think she is using, especially if she isnt, the one thing a junky in recovery doesnt need is someone she loves thinking that she will always be a junky, or always looking over her back, this could very well cause her to relapse because im sure she loves you and respects you, and she may be trying very hard to keep her life straight, and especially after getting clean, every little thing in your life makes you want to use, but something as big as your own mother treating you like your lying, or still using, may be the trigger you want to avoid the most! Alot of the time people will have a predisposition to label you as a junky and thats something you want to avoid like the plague. Always be supportive and loving to your daughter until you know for a fact that she is using again. Then try to be supportive at that point, not negative.
Anyways Paula7227 I am going to leave my email address here so feel free to email me anytime i'd be happy to give you advice from the ex-junky side of things, I came across this question of yours and it really hit home with me, I felt like it was EXACTLY what my wife and I had gone through in our younger years and I had to weight in, these people here that are responding are people who are looking at the situation from your point of view, if you ever want insight as to what your daughter is feeling or going through from someone who has been in her shoes then please email me at
[email protected]
I wish you the best of luck in your situation. Have a great day.
