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Avatar universal

I Can't leave a addict

It's been a battle for me to leave him, I have try so many times, I really try hard to ignore his calls n text, but why is it so difficult. Especially it's harder because I have a kid with this addict and his very attached,  when I talk to my kid about moving out. He starts to cry and I have done this once before and it really affected my kid. But his father sobe up for a quite a while couple months and he show so much progress he prove to us so much.. I was amazed. . And almost a year clean and he relapse. He seemed very depressed and guilt with what he done. He knows he accomplish so much and he feels everything went down the drain. I felt bad for him. But at the same time I'm tired and really want to leave. But I seen my kid and don't want to hurt him again. I'm in the middle of not knowing what to do. I'm always the pushing bag. I always have to deal with all this problems.  Maybe is why u developed anxieties. But I just feel like I try, and I understand what my addict husband is going through.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm really sorry that your post was not addressed when you wrote it. But I want you to now that i've read your story and feel the pain you must be enduring. Have you stayed in the relationship, or did you end up needing to leave, for yourself and your child?

I know when my husband relapsed, he was not able to come home before he went to a 90 day treatment program. In fact, it was longer than that, because he had to be committed into a mental health facility as well to diagnose and medicate his condition. So, it took  a while to get through the process of recovery, but it "took" hold of his life, and he's been clean and sober since (many many good years).

It sounds like your partner might be willing to go to rehab, if he truly feels the guilt of his using in the life of his child and yours. It's not unusual for an addict to relapse, sometimes it happens once, sometimes more, so I understand you saying that you may be too "tired" at the prospect of relapse possibly happening again and again. Your husband showed alot of potential for long term sobriety with a good year of sobriety under his belt. He may just need one more Relapse Prevention Program. Whether you're willing to wait for this to happen or not, he should be supported by you as you have a mutual child involved.

How are you doing. ?
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Avatar universal
Hey there, thank you for you're response. So far he has relapse couple of time in the past month. This is his 4th relapse. I'm trying my best to stuck around. He did try calling places and get help, but most places don't offer outpatient help or don't answer. He try reaching out old friends from church but no answer, he did mention it's hard for him to quit, maybe the fact that he has it easy, as I'm still here supporting him. But I can't have my son seeing his father not coming home to sleep. I need to keep lying to him.. I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to get him help other than stick around. I told him about leaving him, but he doesn't consider it, maybe cause he take me for guaranted. I need help myself. . I'm in a really hard situation.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
There's a family group for the spouses and family of addicts called Alanon or NarAnon. There are meetings near you, or online meetings. In these meetings you'll meet other families that are dealing with what you are. You talk about enabling an addict and sabotaging an addict, and how to learn to live your own life, regardless of whether you leave or stay. Have you heard of these groups?
Here are a couple of sites that you can look at that may make things easier for you......

http://www.recovery.org/topics/about-the-nar-anon-support-group-12-step-recovery-program/

http://www.nar-anon.org/forum/

http://www.nar-anon.org/

Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
I think there's a misconception about what a person is doing by having the addict leave the home (or leaving an addict IF that is convenient lie. moving in with supportive family)...

When you separate from an addict, it does not mean that you are turning your  back on them, to the contrary. It is an unselfish thing that people find in time that they have no choice but to do , in order to support the addicts in their life. I appreciate that your child is hurting and resistant about his daddy not being home in his bed, but when we go to "any lengths" to help an addict, we are in essence helping your child to have the possibility of a long term recovery of his father. It's important to feel confident with our choices, and it's helpful often for the family of addicts, to get a hold of an Addictions Therapist to discuss the ways that we can best help our loved one get and keep long term sobriety. Unfortunately, your child can be affected very negatively by having a family member continually relapse while it at home. There are consequences to having our children around a situation that is not being addressed. There is a right way for your husband to address his addictions issues. There is very much a plan for success, so i think that you desperately need to talk about that plan. THe bottom line is that your partner needs long term sobriety, otherwise the constant relapses takes a huge toll on their lives. Another thing, once your partner finds rehab and help, it is asked of him, is going back to you family of origin in any way enabling, ? because if it is, due to lack of the correct information, then it is not safe for your husband to go home, and it might be his choice not to do so. This is a family disease, in that we all get sick because of the addiction. You and your partner both need help. Please find an Addictions Therapist to get you on the road  to helping your partner, and not enable him. Keep an Open Mind, and realize that teaching your son that sometimes we must make sacrifices to help our family. It is not always easy An Addictions Therapist may well be able to work with your child, or set up an appointment for your child to deal with any temporary separation that might be necessary. Fortune Favors The Brave in the case of Addiction. Addiction Services is a huge business, because there is a huge problem. I was out of my son's life for a spell. When i did do everything that was suggested , when i really truly was accepting of going to any lengths, my son and i stayed together until he left for college.
Beware mom of letting you child think that it's okay not to go to any lengths to fix a personal problem as disastrous as the Progressive disease of Addiction. Keep Coming Back, Keep posting .You never need be alone with this, there are so many to help you and your partner and son.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you, I appreciate you time to reply. I will look into therapy. I in the middle of not knowing what to do,  his getting extremely violent, he goes thru my phone he gets mad if I'm on my phone, he broke his phone, he tries putting his hands on me. His only getting worse. I have to put a happy face so my son won't witness n won't notice nothing. . My son doesn't know nothing about his father being a addict. When his father is gone my son thinks his working overtime. . My son doesn't suspect anything because I'm good in playing it off. BUT I don't know for how long. I'm just scared, worried, fed up I'm just tired of all this. I'm trying to be supportive but it seems like he doesn't care other than his addiction. I can't run to my family for help. Because of other issues. I'm just lost..
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im in the middle of.looking for a job, but I haven't had any luck. I feel like he lost it already. His brain doesn't function normal. I wish I have the ability and wealth to leave him. Everyday I imagine myself leaving him. I hate him more each day. I sometimes wish he can over dose. I know is bad. But I can't explain how furious he gets me. His attitude of not caring. I tell hI'm his going to lose his job his response is (I don't give a ****) ur going to lose ur fam his response  (oh well) his only answer is give me money if you leave. He doesn't seem like he wants to change
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
You mention that your husband is only getting worse, ie. putting his hands on you, wanting to isolate you (not wanting you on your phone)(. This is only the beginning of worse things i'm afraid, as addiction is a progressive disease. Then longer the addict is able enabled to stay in addiction, the worse it gets. Spouses often think that an addict will appreciate them being supportive while they are in active addiction, but in fact an addict who is suffering from addiction often learns to hate their partner for "not doing anything" while they are progressively getting worse off in their addiction.  Your son is probably already feeling the effects of your husband acting out. The fact is that while your attention in on your husband because of the way he's acting toward you, that time you are spending dealing with your husband's antics means it's time away from nurturing your own child. And your child will miss what you cannot give to him, because you are "trying to make it work". Until your husband directly addresses his addictions, your sacrifices and your taking his abuse will be a total waste of your and your son's time.

I understand that it's hard to leave without having  a job, It doesn't say on your profile where you're from, but if you're from the States, there are many women's shelters that you can stay at, that will get you into your own apartment and will pay for your shelter and living expenses. Your leaving may give your husband the incentive to find himself help for his addictions. That's how it usually works for addicts, Until their family says "no, i will no longer support you if you are using mind altering mood altering drugs or alcohol" they will not get help for themselves.

If your husband is starting to put his hands on you, you are in grave danger of becoming another statistic of an abused women.  If a man goes so far as to hit their women, they often start to hit their kids. I think you need to consider leaving before your husband raises his hands to you in front of your son. That would be something that could scar the boy for years to come.I can help you to find  a place.
Helpful - 0
1530493 tn?1410056636
Hi  there
nighthawk is so right on ...as always :)
Your home life will not improve until you are able to make a change...your stronger than you know.
My addict was my son,  our relationship different than yours but everything that goes with addiction was in my home.
nothing I did or could do improved our situation, increasing violence seems to be the norm, was for us.
The time came I made him leave.  I know it's scary, the thought of you leaving as you feel you have nothing to work with. ...please do as nighthawk suggests. Start with a shelter, they will set you up, you ARE being abused.  
This IS effecting you in ways you don't see or understand right now, as well as your child.  As an adult we have people to talk our feelings out with, a more mature outlook on the whole situation.  A child is very confused by all they see, while we may believe we are hiding it from them. ..the truth is were hiding it from ourselves.  Our children are deeply effected.  I have a disabled daughter who functions at about a 4 to 5 year level. I misjudged what she was taking in.  2 years after I made my son leave our home, my daughter had a total meltdown.  We've been doing extensive work with her near a year now.  Her torture does  not pale in comparison to what my son's life was as an active iv heroin user.  Only difference she was innocent.  Sure fights for her emotional health.
Don't look at you leaving right now as being the permanent solution, as many times it takes our addicts to feel they lose us to want to make a change.  I separated from my son for love, we both had the break we needed to heal our own lives.   He is nearing 3 years clean and our relationship  better than ever,  but it took distancing ourselves to do that.
You need to help your self so you can help your child.
Good luck, give the advice above major thought. ..sooner then later, before someone gets seriously hurt
were here for you :)
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
Good example Deb of the time and patience it needs to love from afar
long enough to break the addiction the addict has of manipulating others to serve their drug abuse...

The exciting part is this. Not only can a shelter in all likelyhood set you up in an apartment, but you can also get a student loan and study for a career that will fulfill your need to provide for your child.. if you haven t already .../

..often addiction is responsible for thwarting the natural healthy progression of those around hem, i dont say "loved ones" in your case
because honestly i'm not sure if a man that puts his hands on a women is truly capable of love

such as was the case of my departed first late husband...sorry guy.. my computer screen just blinked at me.....lol
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Update: His been clean for 2 weeks 1/2 His started working again, his taking my son to football practice, he looks like his getting it back together. But geez so hard for me to trust him. I'm killing myself with thoughts like, if his lying to me to go score. I know it will take time for him to prove me again. I don't know. I feel happy his doing good. But sad that I can't trust him makes me go crazy. Just the feeling that he can relapse again. I want to start going to church with him. Maybe that can help both. Why this has to be so hard...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you both, for taking time to reply.. and taking this small little journey. . GOD BLESS GOOD PEOPLE LIKE YOU
Helpful - 0
1530493 tn?1410056636
So happy to see your update,  I hate losing touch until we know your ok also love seeing clean time !!!
2 &1/2 weeks is a great start.
One day at a time sweetie. ..try to stay in the now,  don't worry about tomorrow, you'll cause yourself added stress that you don't need right now.  You'll know if he's using...we get that gut feeling, worry about it only if the time comes
The trust...well,  that will take time,  you've been through a lot.  That too will return when you know he's truly committed.  He had a clean year, sounds like he wants to try again !!
my best to you all...please keep us updated :)
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Update
3060903 tn?1398565123
Hi there, so glad that your husband is trying again to stay sober. Something is missing for him, if he relapses though. Many people need to use a 12 step groups to stay sober. There , you are able to get into "closed" meetings, where you can talk about your day, or your week (some people go once a day, some once a week) There are some people that feel the need to go to NA or AA forever. There they have the collective wisdom of hundreds of fellow addicts, and it is there that your husband could get  a "sponsor" to help him in ways that you can't , when he starts to think about  a relapse. Often addicts won't tell their families, when they start to feel like they are considering using again.

So while it is wonderful that your husband appears to have turned a corner, there is obviously something that he has yet not done, and that is to set up a plan for himself, should he consider using again. This "plan" is many times AA or NA meetings, sponsors, friends in the group.

The "plan" or "program" for relapse prevention for both my husband and myself, was a 90 day rehab. So far, my husband relapsed, and had to go do his 90 day program. If i relapse, it will be me that goes.

Please don't think that because your husband is currently clean, that he couldn't benefit from an Addictions Therapist. , because he can benefit greatly from having an Addictions Therapist, even if it's only to talk to them once a month. Something to consider, right?

All the best to your family. Please let us know how you are from time to time, and always call if you need to talk.

Liz
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Updated
Avatar universal
Hey guys,

Update:: Still sailing on the same boat nothing has change. He tries n tries, but keeps relapsing. At this point my feelings are numb.. I'm disappointed but not mad, I'm sure I'm soo used to this life. Not hurt anymore. My child is doing good. Trying my best to protect him. He still doesn't have a clue abt his father being a addict, but he notice something can be odd like him not coming home. I just make up a lie. But I know it will come a da I won't be able to cover it up.. I feel ready to really move on.. Not sure why I'm holding back. I been busy working n other stuff. I realize I'm wasting time living with an addict.. when I can be happy with someone else. I believe my love n hope has die. The only thing I feel that still gets me at times, is sorry, I feel sorry for him. I really do. I see how he struggles. At this point I let him be with no consequences. I don't request h to get help anymore, maybe I just don't care if he does or not, I'm just to busy with my life n son, Its hard to put my mind n time just on him. I can't change him, I can't control him. I need to let him be. I'll keep u guys posted..
Helpful - 0
3 Comments
Hey, I read your posts. I am also dealing with a spouse who is an addict. I want to kick him out but every time I get close to doing it, I cry and get emotional and can't let him go. I know this is what I need to do, but it hurts to know I will probably nevery see him again. I saw someone say it's like mourning someone who has died.
Hopelove75 -

That's exactly how I feel. My boyfriend, the addict of heroin, is doing and telling me similar things. He slept on the streets instead of going back to his house 20 minutes away (he takes the bus) and told me he would die without me. Then, said he might as well just OD since he can't be with me anymore. He went so far as to say "if I were gone tomorrow, would you regret not working it out? not trusting in the fact that i love you and want to get clean for us?"

I can't tell if he means that or if he's manipulating me...
Sully same boat as you.  It's not a healthy relationship. Toxic.  They know how to work us bc obviously we have big hearts.  But I feel like he's preyed on the fact I was vulnerable when we first met & def. manipulates me but now we just ended it but he still didn't take the rest of his things even though he's rehab. I've decided to take people's advice from my post that I wrote on not answering calls or texts.  I cannot continue to allow someone to walk all over me, abuse me, and make me feel so insignificant. Like I can't do any better than him.  I really deserve more. He treated me horrible and I run to him every time he needs something like a stupid lost puppy dog.
Avatar universal
Are you still with him?  I've been trying to figure out why I've stayed with a heroin addict for the last year and half that treats me badly, why I love and need him so much when it's not much of a relationship, and why I've allowed this person around my child who doesn't deserve either one of us. We just ended our relationship on Sunday and I've been writing a lot to him but I am really just keeping the letters for myself bc I don't want to make a fool of myself.  Also, I wrote down all the ways I contributed to his problems so I take a deep look at myself. Let me know how you are doing.  My ex didn't come home at night either.  I am pretty sure he was getting high and cheating on me.
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