Hello & welcome. you are not alone in this. i have been through this and sympathy with you.
hard for me to even believe but my husband was an addict for fourteen years of our marriage and of my children's lives. i know every emotion that there is to feel. anger, hurt, sadness, despair, rage, hate, betrayal, embarrassment, humiliation, physical pain, spiritual pain.
he had been an addict before we married. at that point he was clean for 7 years.
i didn't really know about addiction and relapse. boy was i in for a life long lesson.
he remained clean for another 5 or so years. yes i started to notice things. always talked his way out.
addicts are very manipulative. they can twist a situation around to take the blame and responsibility off of themselves. they lie and yes can make you think you are going crazy.
they think we are stupid or that they are so good at their game that they wont be caught. yes they can talk their way out of things for just so long. even after they are presented with evidence.
but yes eventually it all comes crashing down.
11 months ago your wife went to rehab. did she stay for 30, 60, 90 days?
she expects you after not even one year to totally trust her, not be able to question her,
she gets defensive and argumentative. she has to be accountable, gain back her trust, be transparent,
continue in her therapy, support groups. ten years of addiction doesn't get healed in one year.
we as the loved ones get just as sick as they are. we also need healing and recovery.
we put up a wall, it is hard to trust again. we are afraid to get hurt again.
they have to understand that i know personally through the years. he denied and lied. after he was caught and admitted to using, stayed clean a bit. then used again. repeat cycle.
i never worked outside the home, we have four children. we looked like the perfect family. church
every sunday, he worked everyday, active in our community, our families didnt think there were any issues. i couldnt spill our family secret. i asked him to leave for years and he never would. he said i pay the bills. i had no where to go with my children and pets. we slept in separate bedrooms for years.
he finally left and got worse and worse.one year later he checked himself into the original rehab he had gone to 30 years earlier.
at first when i found out about his relapse i was so scared,
afraid he would od, get mugged, shot, stabbed when he was trying to cope. then to end the insanity i actually wanted him to die. i had so much hate and rage.
you caught her, was she sorry or was she sorry she got caught. obviously a huge difference.
i can say it took (it) us, the process, our marriage, the trust, the healing a good 5 or 6 years.
it was 14 years of addiction. i gave my husband an allowance, he had no access to credit cards,
he always called or texted from work, on his way home, if he was going to be late.
for the first few years, yep i would suspect something, ask questions, get angry about something and go back to the hurts and all the years of crap would surface.
recovery is a process. healing is a process. the children, the marriage, the family all has to heal.
this will take time and more time. now we are almost 9 years out from the start of his recovery.
i can say we are doing good.. i didn't get a lobotomy, i don't forget what happened,
but i have learned to forgive.
have you discussed your wife's behavior in therapy?