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I do not know what to do!

My wife is an addict. She was active for approx. 10 years. I always had suspicion of something just not being quite right but she always made since of the situation or made me believe I was crazy. Last November her world fell apart. I finally had enough evidence to prove that she was an opiate addict and there was no way of denying it. So, she went to rehab and me and my two boys did the best we could do minus the woman we loved with all our heart. When she came back from rehab, she was very positive and stayed on top of her recovery. She and I have been to counseling for ourselves, and for couples. I have poured everything into me getting my wife and our boys getting their mother back. We have great days and we have really bad days. The problem I am having now with her is this. Her way of thinking is irrational and very widespread. Most people are A to B. We can say is this the best decision for everyone involved, with the least amount of negativity. I will explain a situation that has been very difficult for us. She admits that due to her past, she understands why I do not trust her 100%. I tell her I'm doing the best I can for me to be able to gain that trust. If I have a trigger brought on by an old characteristic of hers and I feel the need to approach her about it to get her side of what may or may not have happened. I get this wall of defense solely based on me questioning her. When I hold her accountable for her actions,she is quick to get angry and tells me that I'm not approaching her the right way, and then tries to tell me what I'm really trying to do by her adding onto my words and her completely losing her mind on what she believes instead of taking my words for what they're worth. I have no options. If she understands why I cannot trust her 100%. Why does she react the way she does when I do my best to seek what is true? She has always told me that it's my approach. I tell her that I do not know how I'm going to ever to be able to trust her if she doesnt give me an option. I'm on the brink of losing my mind when it comes to being able to deal with her way of thinking. Nothing makes sense to me when it comes to why she thinks the way she does and the strange part is that when she calms down, she will tell me that she isnt thinking clearly and agrees with me not having any options in dealing with her. Then does the same thing when I try to get the answers again. And then she says the same thing again and agrees that her thinking is not right. Her defense is that she cannot help the way she is, and due to her upbringing, is why she is like that. My opinion at this moment is that she knows exactly what she is doing, but is so immature and was never held accountable for her actions, that she is going to have it her way no matter what the cost is to the people that love and care about her the most. Please help me understand this woman, I call my wife.
2 Responses
1235186 tn?1549257619
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hello & welcome. you are not alone in this. i have been through this and sympathy with you.
hard for me to even believe but my husband was an addict for fourteen years of our marriage and of my children's lives. i know every emotion that there is to feel. anger, hurt, sadness, despair, rage, hate, betrayal, embarrassment, humiliation,  physical pain, spiritual pain.
he had been an addict before we married. at that point he was clean for 7 years.
i didn't really know about addiction and relapse. boy was i in for a life long lesson.
he remained clean for another 5 or so years. yes i started to notice things. always talked his way out.

addicts are very manipulative. they can twist a situation around to take the blame  and responsibility off of themselves. they lie and yes can make you think you are going crazy.
they think we are stupid or that they are so good at their game that they wont be caught. yes they can talk their way out of things for just so long. even after they are presented with evidence.
but yes eventually it all comes crashing down.

11 months ago your wife went to rehab. did she stay for 30, 60, 90 days?
she expects you after not even one year to totally trust her, not be able to question her,
she  gets  defensive and argumentative. she has to be accountable, gain back her trust, be transparent,
continue in her therapy, support groups.  ten years of addiction doesn't get healed in one year.
we as the loved ones  get just as sick as they are. we also need healing and recovery.

we put up a wall, it is hard to trust again. we are afraid to get hurt again.
they have to understand that  i know personally through the years. he denied and lied.  after he was caught and admitted  to using, stayed clean a bit. then used again. repeat cycle.
i never worked outside the home, we have four children. we looked like the perfect family. church
every sunday, he worked everyday, active in our community, our families didnt think there were any issues. i couldnt spill our family secret. i asked him to leave for years and he never would. he said i pay the bills. i had no where to go with my children and pets. we slept in separate bedrooms for years.
he finally left and got worse and worse.one year later he checked himself into the original rehab he had gone to 30 years earlier.
at first when i found out about his relapse i was so scared,
afraid he would od, get mugged, shot, stabbed when he was trying to cope. then to end the insanity i actually wanted him to die. i had so much hate and rage.

you caught her, was she sorry or was she sorry she got caught. obviously a huge difference.
i can say it took (it)  us, the process, our marriage, the trust, the healing  a good  5 or 6 years.
it was 14 years of addiction. i gave my husband an allowance, he had no access to credit cards,
he always called or texted from work, on his way home, if he was going to be late.
for the first few years, yep i would suspect something, ask questions, get angry about something and go back to the hurts and all the years of crap would surface.
recovery is a process. healing is a process. the children, the marriage, the family all has to heal.
this will take time and more time. now we are almost 9 years out from the start of his recovery.
i can say we are doing good.. i didn't get a lobotomy, i don't forget what happened,
but i have learned to forgive.

have you discussed your wife's behavior in therapy?

Debbie




1235186 tn?1549257619
COMMUNITY LEADER
how are you doing?
1 Comments
This past Wednesday we had a session with our counselor and we were there for a couple if hours. Hearing her talk to the counselor, it still made no sense. I was able to get her to sit down and started talking about every day things. After we kinda broke the ice, I asked her about the distance being greater than ever between us and asking her what she thought. It took some patience and holding my mouth shut but she gave in to what has been happening. She has a friend/co worker that has been giving her Tramadol. I know nothing about the woman. For a month and a half, she received around 100 50mg tablets. My heart is broke. I have put everything into her. She tells me that the pain and embarrassment are too much for her to try. I ask her to explain to me how her pain and embarrassment is more important to her than what she has put all of us through? Her answer is that for that month and a half, her pain was more important. Yesterday, I wrote in my folder to her that I was going to hold her accountable. I told her that the days of her using people to a point where they are not even capable of functioning is over. I told her, I have nothing left to give you. I also told her that, no matter what she decides to blame her poor decisions on, she will be held responsible for it. I have given everything back to her for her to live as a normal functioning adult. It is very clear that she is capable of keeping herself away from the pills but chooses to abuse them. I told her to please make a decision to use or not. If she uses, I will hold her accountable. And if or when she chooses the pills, I will know exactly how much I am worth to her and I will be able to justify my decision to stay or go. Thank you for asking about how I was doing. I appreciate it.
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