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Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
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Avatar universal

I feel betrayed & helpless

I am looking for friends going thru the same thing. My husband is addicted to crack. I thought it was in the past but realize that he hasnt learned anything. We have been married almost 4 yrs. And in that time crack has ruined our lives 3 times already. The frst time, he went to prison for dirty urine violating his probation. He spent 8mnths in prison, all the time sending me sweet letters telling me how he's changed & will never do this again. He was doing good for a few mnths than started using again & this time i figured if i joined him it would b betr. But that led to us spending too much money & bills piling up. So i quit doin it & since he wldnt stop i sent him away to his dads & separated from him. I moved on w/ my life. But i missed & loved him so much that after 5mnths i started talking to him again. I went to visit him for a wknd & it was so sweet & good that i thought we could try again. A mnth latr i allowed him to come home with the stipulation of him getn a fulltime job & no drugs. He agreed. Now 3mnths later & he's doing crack again. I begged him not to & even told him to choose crack or me. He chose crack & my heart is broken. I found out He has been lying to me since before he moved back. He doesnt see anything wrong w/ him jst doing a 20 & as much as i cried & begged  he still did it. Now i feel trapped, alone & heartbroken. I asked him to leave & he refuses. I dont know what to do. I love him but i just cant go thru this again. It has me wishing i would just die. I cant tell family or friends so i have noone to talk to. I feel so alone. Why am i not enuf???


4 Responses
1416133 tn?1351126817
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this with your husband (again).  Although I can't relate since it wasn't my husband, I do have a sister who I believe is still addicted to crack (we haven't seen each other in years and she lives in the next town over from mine).  But I promise you, your love alone won't be enough to help him get clean.  He's going to need some kind of treatment program, and sadly, until he's ready to do that, there's nothing you can do.  EXCEPT take care of YOU.

And that means telling him he needs to leave.  And I know it's difficult, since you say no one knows, but you're going to need to tell someone.  Whether a parent, friend, or professional, you can't do this on your own.  Please, don't let his addiction ruin your life again.  Believe me, I allowed my sister to treat me horribly while I tried to help her, and once I stopped doing that, I was able to let go of my enabling behavior and move on.  I hope some day that she gets well, but until then, allowing myself to be abused by her so-called "love" for me is no longer an option.

Please don't let yourself go through this again.  Tell him you will no longer be a part of the problem, and this is entirely up to you, but tell him you will help him when/if he chooses to get well.  And seek some kind of support for yourself as it will make all the difference in the world.  You don't deserve this and it's time you started to believe that yourself.  Crack addicts are particularly selfish when using this awful drug, and have no idea what they are doing to the people that love them.
Avatar universal
Thank you for your comment. I know its time to let go. The problem is getting him out of the house. And he honestly thinks he can say sorry & its ok & in the past. He bought roses for me today & admits he f'd up but honestly im jst over all the sorrys. I am telling him again today that he needs to get help or leave. Although i know he wont leave. I guess if he doesnt leave i will have to find a new place. Just hard cuz the house & everythng is in my name. Still at a loss, sad, mad & feeling alone. Thank you for being here
3197167 tn?1348972206
"I cant tell family or friends so i have noone to talk to. I feel so alone. Why am i not enuf???"

Hey there.....welcome to the forum......it isn't that YOU are not ENOUGH!

Addiction enslaves it's victims and the addict is DRIVEN by the drug(s) In fact, while under the influence of their DOC (drug of choice) they will do most anything to achieve the end result....getting the drug and the feeling the drug provides.  What's crazy is that when clean and sober....the addict "usually" really means what they say....but the INNER PULL of ADDICTION is stronger and will always win out until a sincere commitment to get clean is made by the addict. (followed by a strong recovery program)

I don't know how much you know about addiction....but it is a family disease.....it affects all those lives it touches.  It makes us sick too.  But the good news is there is help for all family members.  Not only can the addict not get and stay clean on their own....those of us who love an addict can't keep everything inside and try to do it alone either.
Why is it that you cannot talk to ANY family or friends?

It's important to have an outlet....whether you choose a counselor, an Al-Anon support group or a Nar-Anon group.....you REALLY need other people to talk to too!  I found that there are online chat groups and online meetings that helped me immensely.  Especially if I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't shut my head off....there was always someone out there to talk to me.....support me.....listen to me via the chat group I found online.

As long as your husband isn't suffering any consequences.....he has no reason to quit using.  If he has a warm bed, food and clothing...doesn't have to work, on and on......why would he want to change and get clean?

Because I, too, have had my heart broken over and over....I finally had to get my b u t t to Al-Anon meetings, read their literature EVERY DAY, and only believe ACTIONS.....never words out of the mouth of the addict.  Just like you said you are about "sorried" out.....I understand.....I have a loved one that can't understand after 15 yrs why we/his family don't believe his words any longer.  Well, he's back in prison, and we have heard it all a million times before.  The true test comes when he gets out....can he stay clean for even 6 months?  He hasn't ever been able before?

You may get to the point where you are not "giving up".....but are simply "used up"....and your desire for inner peace in your life will outweigh anything your husband can "say" right now.  We all get to that point eventually.....and then we find the courage to do what needs to be done.  

It's important to have "skin-on" real live people to talk to.  Please find at least ONE person you can talk to.  The world is SO FULL of people just like us that love an addict.

Let us know how you are doing, ok?  This forum is full of people just like you and me~  
Avatar universal
Thank u for ur comment. I did call a few places but they were geered more for the addict. Not the family. Im still looking for al anon or nar anon meetings near me. It is a horrible disease & i pray & hope evryday he gets betr & he says he's done w/ the drugs than a wk latr it hapns again. I have lost all trust in him & i pretty much have grown tired of sorrys & his broken promises. I kno im suppose to b supportive but for how long & how many times?
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