Please remember, this is just my opinion, and I'm not a doctor.....I would say it's time to start taking care of yourself. At what point to YOU come into this picture? It sounds like you've been taking care of this man for quite awhile now and until he's ready to truly change, it's not going to happen. I think it's time to start making other arrangements for yourself. If it was meant to be, it will be, LATER ON, when he's sober. Don't go back until he's at least 6 months clean and is working a good program with a sponser. You sound like a very caring person, to me, it sounds like your being taken advantage of.
Trust your guts. If you think he is a changed man, give him another chance. :)
I posted this in another thread, but it may be relevant here, also.... I believe my wife to be an alcoholic. If she isn't an alcoholic, she has severe drinking problems.
When you repeat a mistake, it's no longer a mistake; it's a decision.
I've made the decision for 17 years to stay with and deal with a spouse with a drinking problem; a spouse whom I believe has always been faithful, but a spouse who becomes belligerent and out of control when drinking. I've begged and pleaded for her to stop, or at least try to moderate this problem. I ask her to stop for the sake of our children. I ask her to stop for the sake of our marriage and my sanity. I ask her to stop for her health. This action makes me a control freak in her eyes.
For 17 years, she's promised to stop. To change. To make better decisions. For 17 years, she's lied. For 17 years, I've baby sat. I've cleaned up her vomit. I've cleaned up her mess. I've dealt with the embarrassment of friends laughing at "the drunk girl".
I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I love my children dearly. I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I don't want to lose all I've worked so hard to gain and achieve.
The heartache and agony of watching someone you love destroy herself has hardened me to a point where I feel nothing for her. Sure, I do care for her and love her, but I don't LOVE HER. I haven't for a very long time. At this point, I don't think that love can be regained.
Since I've repeated this mistake over an over and over, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing it to perpetuate. I've made this decision.
Now, I must make the decision to change.
The original post is nearly a photocopy of my life. I find myself embarrassed and angry with my wife for her repeated lies, promises and failures.
I'm now trying to find the courage to move on from this marriage. I can't imagine all the pieces that I'll need to pick up. It seems impossible....but I must try,. I can't stand the thought of hurting her like this. Although, we've both said it. We have openly admitted neither of us are happy. I want her to be happy, but I don't think she ever will be....not until she admits she has a problem and does something about it.
I fear most for my daughter (11 years old), who sees my wife's problem and comes to me when mommy has had too much to drink. An 11 year old shouldn't have to deal with this, nor should she have to deal with the arguments.
Best of luck to you all and God Bless.
Welxome to Medhelp and thank you for sharing your story. During the rehabilitation process your husband should have had a clear plan about what needs to take place in the event of relapse, and this should have been expressed to you by him with an Addiction's Therapist present. For some, that means planning for reentering a Rehabilitation Center's Relapse Prevention Program (inpatient or outpatient).
When an addict is part of an Intervention , it is there that they learn before a relapse what will happen. NOT having a clear concise plan in the event of relapse, for an addict, can cause a relapse to occur. There can be no grey areas. If it is not spelled out, the addiction will test loved ones to see if it can persist (and for your husband it apparently did for 30 - 3 days)
For instance, in the event of a relapse lasting more than one day inpatient rehab (relapse prevention) must occur. In the event of a relapse lasting one use, or one day an outpatient Relapse Prevention Program is required.
You've mentioned nothing about your interaction with the Addictions Therapist that ran the Family Group at your husband's rehab. They should still be available for you to discuss this turn of events.
It sounds like your husband enjoyed the program when it was all laid out for him, but has found it difficult to initiate working his program. There is a reason behind why he did not initiate his program. It could be that he got a sense that since you did not give him clear boundaries about what would happen in the event of a relapse that you are not serious about him getting sober. Consequences to active use is a pretty basic step that should have been taken, and had it been , you wouldn't be here asking what to do next, because your family plan would have been initiated upon his first use.
Live and Learn with addiction. You can't know all the answers, until you do
In answer to your question, do some addicts never stop? Some addicts never stop. You'll read about them often on the Living With an Alcoholic forum. You'll read about alcoholics on their death bed, after being enabled for a lifetime.
Onto your second question. If I leave him alone to hit his rock bottom will he go back to a.a. And n.a. And get better again? Well, If after an Intervention, where you stake your claim, and request that he re enter an outpatient Relapse Prevention Program (a reasonable request for your situation). and he refuses and by doing so is made to leave...does he have a good chance of raising his bottom and getting into NA and AA? I think he does, he seemed to genuinely like the people there, and enjoyed the process, the car pooling, maybe service work (setting up chairs , making coffee). Something went wrong. Maybe he's afraid of exposing himself near where he works or lives? I don't know what the problem is, and you need to discuss it.
It could be he is not a natural self starter, It could be that he suffers, as many do, with an underlying medical condition (anxiety). It could simply be that since there was nothing in place in the event of relapse, the addict in him made him try it and check it out to see what would happen. The fact is that you have been enabling him for 27 days. so far. You may have to recognize that you may have not been as prepared as you should have been to have accepted him back into the home. You not being prepared and being ambiguous can sabotage your husband's sobriety. There should have been a clear plan. Some say 90 meetings in 90 days. What plan was there for your husband? The Devil's in the details.
You're on the right path. opening up. And hopefully you will take my referral to your part with a grain of salt, and realize that this is like you are dealing with a new born home from the hospital with a debilitating disease that requires you to learn how to take perfect care of them. And by perfect in your case, i mean not enabling. You see? I'm sorry for the hell you're going through. I'm here to help in any way i can. Liz
You did the right thing. Addicts don't change until they themselves are ready to and you will/would know when this is. Sadly, most never do change because the disease is too heavy and their brains cannot handle nor know how to deal with regular daily life activities without using. Similar situation with my boyfriend-- love of my life -- same exact story.. when I finally realized that he really doesn't "love me," but that he loves the idea of us together. He loves that I support his habit, give him money, support him emotionally, physically, spirituality... I am and was his EVERYTHING! I think I finally realized this when he was in rehab for the 4th time and kept calling me telling me he loves me then asking for me to wire him money in the same phone call.. and you must realize: I had just lost my job and house because of him and was living with my parents!!! Love yourself first, find yourself through all of this heartache. Most addicts are narcissistic and they can't help but only look out for their addiction and themselves.. it's in their DNA. We can love them to pieces until our heart bursts; but they will never ever give us what we so desperately need in return. I'm here for you and so are so many others. You did the right thing. You will get through this-- addiction is one of the hardest things to comprehend. You're not alone. Xoxo --