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Avatar universal

Living with a cocaine addict and trying to set boundaries

I am almost 20 weeks pregnant and living with a cocaine addict. we started to date when we were 19 years old and we partied until 22/23, I went to university and graduated and in the mean while he never really stopped that partying. He was getting really heavy into the cocaine use around 24 years old(he's now almost 29) and we broke up then for a year. He had some counselling and was clean for 7 months so we slowly started seeing each again. then when we got back together he had a "slip" but then was sober for another year or so after. life was going good and he was doing well. We got engaged and pregnant (I'm now 27 and he's almost 29). just 6 weeks ago he relapsed and went on a 6 day bender, slept with escorts and spent almost 10 thousand. Then I asked him to stay at his parents until he went back to counselling. As he got some counselling he came back home and stayed in the basement. But we was never the same since that binge. Then 12 days ago he relapsed again and I told him he had to move out that was my boundary and could not come home to me until he was better. Then instead of him getting help he took off the same and has been missing since. I am just sick about it all. i thought all of this was behind us and i thought setting boundaries would make him run for help, instead he ran for more of the drug. I am so upset and sick to my stomach because I'm pregnant and he can do this to me and the baby and loose his home and still not care? And the escorts. I know its all addiction but it still kills me. He hasn't been sober long enough since the first binge for me to even tell him to move out. I am just scared if i push so hard he will never come back but i also know if i don't keep to my boundaries he won't change. I could really use some advise especially since he was clean for so long. I am just sick to my stomach and as i am writing he is still missing. His parents said once he returns to their home they too are asking him to leave if he's not getting help. I just want to know if addicts ever do really come around and come back from this. how does a guy go missing for 12 days and screw escorts and cheat and spend all that money and come back from this.
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Avatar universal
Hello there. I don't live with a cocaine addict, but I do live with an alcoholic. Addiction is a lonely disease and the only person an addict cares about is the addict. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. The only thing the addict wants is the next fix, and all the things that happen while "high" are just chain reactions. An addict does whatever it takes, regardless of the consequences. For most addicts, it's takes a true "rock bottom" to want to start the slow, climb back up to the top. But there is hope. Some have to lose everything. Some just have to take a long look in the mirror. My 2 year old son was just 2 weeks old when my man got a violation of FELONY probation for drinking alcohol and went to jail and missed the first 6 months of our sons life...fast forward a year, judge gives him a chance, instead of seeing that as a close call, he doesn't care, because the only thing he is worried about is that buzz, he ends up in jail for violation of felony probation for drinking again. This time, the court offers to keep him on probation after serving another 3 months (he has now lost almost a year all together of his son's life) and sends him to a drug/alcohol program that is court ordered...he has to work steps, check in every day, do group 3 times a week and random weekly, alcohol and drug tests and you know, the ******* still drinks!!!!! And he knows that he could test dirty for alcohol at any time, he also knows that the sheriff's department and probation can come by our house any time of day or night and if he gets caught drinking, he's done with county jail time, he goes straight to prison for 3 years...but guess what, he doesn't care about the consequences like I said. Have you tried an Al-anon or Nar-anon group? It is for the loved ones of the addict to help them cope. Also may be a good idea to learn about enabling and loving detachment (which you have kinda started). We are all enablers believe it or not. And we don't even know it. Counseling might be good for you also. Alot of addicts do very self destructive behavior because they don't believe there is anything wrong with it (even if they have moments of guilt). I feel for you, and I know what you are going through. This was just a short version of my story, but addicts are addicts are addicts, and no matter the substance, they are pretty much all the same, selfish, uncaring, unthinking INDIVIDUALS. There is no "we" in addiction, only "I" and until he is ready to get some help and start his recovery for real, and attend N/A meetings as well as counseling, there will be no "we." I wish you luck and hopefully I helped you to understand a little bit. He can most definitely come back from the addiction though and live a very happy normal life completely sober! He just has to be willing. Unfortunately, ultimatums don't work most of the time. You can't save someone that won't save themselves, and it is very very hard to see someone you love slowly go down this path. You think that it would be a no brainer to "pick" the wife and the kids over the substance, but that's just not how addiction works...it is a true disease that needs true attention.
Avatar universal
Thank you SJS49 for your response, it really gave me some perspective. I have been enabling him for years and I just know i have to stick to my boundary for there to either be any hope for him, and for me too incase this doesn't work out. He just returned from his 12 days bender and his parents have give him the opportunity to quit work and go seek serious help daily or if he chooses to keep working he has to move out of our home and go find a condo. The thing about him and his work is that he only works to afford his benders. he uses work as an excuse to avoid help.
I started my first counselling session last week and this week i have another apt plus tonight I jut went to an addictions class to learn about boundaries and relapse prevention and just addiction in general. i know seeking help and learning will help me cope, It is just so hard to believe he may end up choosing cocaine over life. and its amazing how he can be so destructive and say and so cray things and wake up 12 days later thinking "what the eft did i do". and the sex and lies and manipulation etc it is just very hard to let go. i know i need to continue to help myself, i just feel the more i am learning the more hopeless i feel for him and the more anxious i am for him ever recovering.
thanks again for your response. i hope your husband finds peace one day. did you ever think at one point "i need to move on" "i need to give up" "i need to draw the line".
Avatar universal
To answer your questions, I still think that I just need to move on, not necessarily give up, but draw the line and move on, yes. Especially since all he can think about is getting off probation so he can drink every day again. That is just ridiculous to me. I quit drinking no problem, of course, I wasn't an alcoholic, but I did take norco for 10 years due to bad back and endometriosis. I was more "dependent and tolerant" than addicted, and believe me, there is a huge difference. I didn't know there was, but there was. I didn't do any 12 step program or anything, and I don't even think about the pills, but my point is, if you want to quit something, you have to just set your mind to quitting and if you need a recovery program, then so be it, do it!! My husband won't quit drinking until he has to leave his home and lose his family, and the rest of his family has already written him off in terms of helping him the last time he was in jail, because that is what is needed, I haven't done that yet because it is a different kind of love as you know, and we have our son. My doctor also helped me realize right now though that our son is the most important thing, and having him grow up in a home life the way it is right now with an alcoholic father is going to ruin his future and the way he thinks about himself and others in the long run, and I don't want that. My husband doesn't work, I do, so I am ok there. But your husband's parents are still enabling him by giving him options. At some point, the only option has to be, get out, get your **** together, then we'll talk. And if he wants to, be totally supportive of that, but don't let him back in. He obviously hasn't hit rock bottom yet, but once he does, he's going to take a long hard look at who he has become and either, he won't like it and he will want help to change and get sober and NEVER touch the stuff again, or he will be like my man and beg for help etc., then be good for a couple months and start to slip back into the way he was before. It's a very very hard thing to live in, and while we are in the relationship with the "sick" person, we ourselves become more "sick" than they do, and depressed, low self esteem, he hurts the ones he loves more than himself. He may have a different tune if he ends up in trouble with the law. Many many people recover from these things and want to get help, but there are the ones who don't, and we can't force it. I told my husband he was going to lose me and his son, and he said he cares, but actions speak louder than words. I know it's a disease, but it won't go away or get under control until he wants it to, and I don't see that happening, so I am taking the steps to make sure my son and I are secure and have a plan to get out (my husband is also a narcissist and has become violent and very verbally and emotionally abussive) so my counselor and doctor advised me that I have to have an "escape" plan, because leaving someone who is an addict is hard enough, then add those two things on top of it and it can become deadly, but I am working toward it. In my heart and mind, I'm already through, I am completely done and no longer willing to be his source of money, his partner or his punching bag. I told him he couldn't spend the money I make on beer, so he waited until I was asleep and took it from my purse and walked to the store and bought some anyway. He will find anyway to drink that he can. If your husband is sleeping with escorts, I would make sure you get tested for STDs. That is in no way safe, and it's just being cautious to do so, especially since you are pregnant. I am here anytime you want to talk. You can also private message me if you want. It ***** being in love with an addict, and watching them slowly destroy not only their lives, but our lives and our childrens lives as well...as I said, addiction is a very selfish, lonely disease.
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