The best thing you can do for him, is let his addiction become his own, back away, with love and know your doing it for you your child AND him.
The life you described will be the life you live while he is active, we enable them in ways we cant see. Sometimes just knowing your there, is enough for him not to want change.
We can not change our addicts or can we fix them, that can only come from them when they've reached the point of being sick of it.
trust in him will not come until he is commited to soberity, until then he will lie and manipulate to cover his tracks.
I know how deeply this hurts. We can't change them. ..all you can do at this point is make changes for you and your child, hopefully he follow your lead
Thank you. There is not much help for family members of addicts- or loved ones. There needs to be an outreach some where and I very much appreciate you taking the time to reply to me- I may not know you but it means a lot to me- so thank you!
The best comfort I received came from others that understood my life. They couldn't do anything to make me ok, or mend my heart, that had to come from me, but knowing I truly wasnt losing my mind and all I felt was justified, gave me the boost I needed.
there are meetings for families, I never attended, I found several people here that I connected closely with. ..together we each found our way.
I know there are also on line groups that several on here have mentioned...I'll have to take note next time ( atthe beach...debbie) has mentioned it several times. You could send her a message, she may not catch your post, but always willing to pass her experiences and guidance on
your among friends here, each of our lives have been or still hurt by addiction.
We may not beable to change your situation, ( you will when your heart let's you & you've had enough) until that time comes we can help keep you facing forward.
How do I send her a message? I'm still learning how to use this thing lol. I appreciate it. Some things happened today and an argument escalated and he basically told me to get the F out of a place that was supposed to be both our homes. My aunt lives nearby thankfully and I had to call her housemate to come rescue me and get all mine and my daughters things and I'm completely just heartbroken. He says this all is my fault because I hounded him too much. My family doesn't understand.. They just want me to completely cut ties with him immediately and they don't understand. I love him, I want to see him beat this and possibly have my family back together but going back is basically being shunned by everyone because now they know too what is going on when I had to hide it from them. Completely besides myself- as for my daughter too- I refuse to keep him from her .. And they feel it's unsafe to ever let him see her again when I believe that is my call and I promised him raged less of what happens that I wouldn't. Thank you.. I treally so find comfort in being able to reach out to someone
I'm so sorry, your in this spot. Addiction is so hard to understand, especially for people who's heart isn't involved. It's hard to turn your back on love, but many times that's what's needed, to help them
I'll send deb a message see if we can connect her to your post.
Active users always blame someone, please know this is all part of addiction, he's not himself right now, life can and will get ugly.
all you can do right now is take care of you and your little girl.
This will effect you both, over time.
I have a disabled daughter who functions at a 4 to 5 year level. She saw my addict in very bad spots too often. I didn't think at the time she got the full grasp of what was going on around her. Two years after we let his addiction go, she had a complete meltdown. We've been 10 months trying to find her innocent life, post tramatic stress... She certainly didn't deserve it, and I had no idea how badly I let her life be hurt.
if I could go back in time knowing what I know now. ..I would have let go so much sooner for her sake
Your at your aunts now...use this opportunity to your advantage. I know this will be hard, but pull all your strength together, don't run back fast, give you time
give him the chance to see what his addiction is letting go. Sometimes it's enough for them to want to fight for sobriety.
Unfortunately, until he changes, this life won't.
stay close, we're here
I am glad you left with your daughter.
You don't deserve To be treated like that.
Until addicts take responsibility for their actions and for the consequences of their addiction they aren't ready for recovery.
He needs to be honest with themselves first, then others before he can get
The help he needs.
The more we do for them in their active addiction the less they do for themselves. This is his addiction and he needs to own it.
If we keep their secret it helps to keep them in active addiction.
You are not alone. I know what a loved ones addiction does to those who love them. We become just as sick as they are, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. We also we recovery, restoration and healing.
Please get some counseling with a therapist, pastor and or support groups.
Here are a few links for groups.
Take care of yourself and your daughter.
There is always hope.
Keep the faith.
<3 I'm so sorry you are going through this. My ex boyfriend (together 6 years) always used to turn everything around on me and constantly gave me the "oh my god, you're crazy." He had me convinced that was true...that I was just paranoid. He told me he wasn't even smoking cigarettes...turns out he was a heavy IV heroin user. I still love him very much and it kills me he can't be in my life, but I finally realized he is incapable of loving me the way I love him. When I found out he stole $2000 from me in $200 increments over the course of a month...in which he would then cuddle me and hold my hand-knowing full well he just broke my trust-I knew I had to walk away and not look bad no matter how difficult it was.
Having some of my friends and family know about the situation helped me to stay strong because I knew how much I would hurt and disappoint them by walking back into that abuse.
Thank you to all of you and I'm sorry I haven't been on- I ended up taking a family trip for a wedding. And atthrbeach thank you for commenting as well. Addicted to love- so sorry, I know how you feel! I would track our account daily and sometimes multiple times in the day to see how much was taken. I've noticed that it's always a certain amount . A lot has happened over this past week- he's admitted finally to everyone his problems, started going to NA and went to a church this Sunday with a friend of ours, and very ironically the message for this past Sunday and the next month all touch base on temptation and the message yesterday had to do with addiction. It's almost like he was right where he needed to be, at least he's on the right path but it will be awhile, my family is not very understanding at all and made the comment to him that " she is not your support that is what AA is for... " which is a horrible comment because support comes from love and sometimes strangers looking to make a meaningful difference in someone's life. ( thank you to you all too for supporting me as well). I am so thankful for you all!
Glad to see the situation has turned a bit.
Please know hon... Recovery from Heroin is not a quick fix. It will take intense commitment from him to get clean and stay that way.
Keep us updated... We're Here for you
I know, I'm just glad it's a start. Day by day and a long recovery process, but I am so thankful for you all! I would like to keep better in touch with you all so I will put my email address below if you guys wouldn't mind sending an email to it so I have them too! Sunni.***@****
your email address didn't show up. try putting spaces between the letters
Hey there just wanted to give my support. He sounds like I was most of its denial and may take a while. I would suggest if you truly love him maybe give him the tough love treatment its what she did for me BC I would also call her names when I was high and she knew it. Everyone can almost tell the difference in peoples action under the influence. I hate that this is going on for you and pray it ends soon. The thing is he has to want to stop or he will never. That is why I said the tough love remove your daughter and yourself for a while and see which is more important you 2or the drugs. I'm sure he doesn't mean the things he says as I never did its just the drugs. You have found a great place here for support even though your not an addict. Sending prayers and much strength.. Sean
I'm so glad you've come here for support. You've had some wonderful suggestions thus far. I have little to add, other than to say ,,,
please understand that your family is only worried about you and your daughter and how this could end. They know that there's a real possibility of your daughter and yourself literally seeing your husband kill himself with this drug. There are many stores of addicts dying on the bathroom floor with a needle in their arm. I think what they meant was that the CRUX of your support, the support that will save your life, must come from those that are in the Program. of AA or NA. I think they are able to think in terms of Saving his Life being a Program of Recovery and not the act of being lucky enough to be in the house, and find him in time before his life expired. They know, you know , that is no life for you or for your child. And they know that it is totally unnecessary, that there IS a program of recovery that CAN stop this scenario from ever being played out again. If you think that you'll always be there to "save" his life, you're wrong. My late husband suffered with the disease of Type One Diabetes. While I did manage to save his life ,many many times, he passed at the age of 43, in our bed. I was not superwomen after all. I was not able to be there always by his side and :save him. He had to have saved himself that cold December day. In the end, we have to save ourselves.
I'm so glad that you have family, and by the sounds of it, they have your best interests in their heart. That doesn't mean that you must follow everything that they say, but if you look at it that they love you and are trying to protect you from what appears to be a certain and gruesome death., then you might have a better understanding of where they're coming from. Ask yourself this, where would you be without them, when you had to leave and take your daughter out of harms way.? Who would be there, if your partner did die and leave you alone?
There is a program for you, in Alanon or NarAnon. There you will learn from others how not to enable your partner. How not to sabotage your partner. It's is suggested by all professionals as to being the first part of what you CAN do to help your addicted partner. I strongly suggest that you go , for your sake , your daughter's sake, and your partners sake.
Second, your partner is pretty bad off. He's in big trouble. If it takes not being able to see his daughter, to save his life and get him solidly on the path of recovery, would you not do that?
I lost custody of my son for four long years. I was also an IV drug user. Of course my family insisted that he not be in constant contact with an IV drug user. Of course a loving family would insist that I be clean and sober before being able to be in his presence. Did he suffer with my not being there? Yes, he suffered by missing me. But he no longer saw what IV addiction brings, He spent those years playing with his friends, praying for me, concentrating at school,, and becoming a great student. He grew in those years as he should of. Not living in my nightmare. My particular situation and all that went with it, is not important to what i'm trying to say. (He was not in a good place with my family either, and i was not given an intervention, i was banished and given no help), But for he purpose of you understanding this disease. You would be there for your daughter, while your partner did what he needed to do to come back well. Long story short, an addict hat does get clean and sober, 100% comes to understand and respect the decision of keeping a child's growing years minus the devastation of IV drug use. For so many reasons. Children will use drugs at a higher percentage in their own lives if drug addiction is not handled by other family members. Just as child will learn to hit, or will accept being hit in their own lives years down the road from childhood, if they witness a =a physically abuse as a child. The same statistics are there for addiction.
So, please get yourself to an Addiction's Therapist. and ask questions. What would be my best move.? How should I protect my child? How can this affect my child ? Your husband is a father, He's sick. And whether you know it or not, in his soul, as a father, he WANTS you to protect HIS CHILD. It's like an unspoken fact. Trust me, as an addict that lost custody of her son for a time, while i went on to get clean and sober, I was thankful that my son was protected. It was bloody and gruesome to watch this disease at end stage. In my son's case, not only was i not given a chance to got o Relapse Prevention and stay by his side, but my son was also physically abused by my brother when i wasn't there to protect him. Although I was an alcoholic,i was Never Abusive to my son. Still, if he grew up thinking that it was okay to act out as an Alcoholic, what damages would that have done to him.? Would he be an alcoholic today? (He's not, he's very healthy, and we're VERY close, in fact, he's called "momma's boy" at 27 he visits me every week, hasn't missed our weekly dinner and movie since he went off to university when he was 19 years old. We are able to have a GREAT relationship today, because I accepted the SUPPORT OF THOSE IN THE PROGRAM OF NA, Long story short. Being a good mother to my son, fighting my way back to him was the ONLY thing the ONLY reason why I got well. I had many things in my past that would have stopped me from ever getting well. My son is THE only reason i am alive today. (as i said, my husband died)
I hope that we are helping you to see how you can move forward. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with addiction, but if you follow the advice of an Addiction's Therapist about how to move forward, you wont' be steered in the wrong direction . Maybe you can get the advice of two Addiction's Therapists (two opinions) so that you can have faith that the answer to your problems, what YOU can do, will not change. It is tried and true and has worked for millions of addicts in the program.
I have little to add, other than to say ,,, hahaha
(well my intentions were good)
Thank you- it's touching to see you both as addicts (past) reach out to me, there was not much help to find on the Internet and my guess is even those this affects SO many people and families - people are afraid to come out about it all. You guys have helped tremendously seanimandaddict- thank you so much for your prayers- keep praying for me, it's so nice to see a complete stranger reaching out to me with faith! And nighthawk- I am so sorry you went through what you did, and appreciate you opening up to a complete stranger also with your life. I pray for you both to lead happy lives, and it's so amazing to hear that people can get better with determination! I did do the hard love thing- I did leave. I didn't leave for long, but removing my daughter and everything from my house was the straw that broke the camels back for him. Things have been better, meetings and we both are going into counseling with this new church. I know the battle will never be over and I hope that I can reach out to you all in need or questions because I still have so many.
I'm glad that you are going to meetings. He has his "closed" meetings that will lead him through the 12 steps. If you can, please read through the 12 steps of his program in NA. You'll see that if he is working his program , that he will continually be able to see how his using is affecting you, his family. And he will continually make amends for his past, by "working" those steps. And the meetings of NarAnon, can keep you from unwittingly sabotaging his progress. The "program"(s) really do WORK. I'm really glad to hear that you are also involved in meetings within your new church. The more people that your husband is able to be open with, the more people that he will not want to let down by using. There is a saying, that NA ruins the high for addicts, as well i'm sure that what you are learning at the church together, will serve to ruin his thoughts of ever using again.
You will be able to see many incredible changes if your partner gives his all in the 12 step program of NA. There is SO much joy in the program, so many GREAT sober living people to get to know. I hope that we do hear from you about the markets that your partner is hitting. Like him going and getting involved in NA setting up the meetings, or getting many numbers from (same sex) addicts that he can cal for support, and his getting a Sponsor that he can call when he thinks about using. It's not comfortable for an addict to talk about having cravings with their non using partners, it' generally scares them and so it's not something that an addict will do. If they don't have a sponsor to call when they ARE feeling cravings , then they have no one to understand, no one to help them, and direct them away from using again. So i hope to hear from you that your partner has gotten a sponsor. It's probably the best way of knowing that your partner is truly serious about his program. I'm not trying to be a downer, but please remember that an addict will use the fact that they are "going to NA" in order to get the attention off them, But a well researched and read person like yourself, knows that their partner must get involved, and by doing so, you will know. If you read the 12 steps, and ask him what step he's working on, HELPS the addict to stay engaged.
You'll be able to tell if he's truly working his program as you see how he acts,and what he says after gong to a meeting. You can ask him what step he's working on.. much like making sure your child is doing their homework. The more you know about the program , the more you can help him to keep himself accountable, and the more he is held accountable, the sooner you will be able to see and say that you are able to trust him.
1) We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2) We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3) We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4) We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5) We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6) We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7) We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8) We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9) We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10) We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11) We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12) Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
As you can see, an addict "working" the program NEEDS a sponsor for Step 5. I'm glad to hear that you are attending Church, many addicts have a problem with the concept of GOD. In my case, i was told I could use Good Orderly Direction if I could not fully understand GOD in the beginning of my journey home.
Thank you for that. I need to get him a narcotics anon. Book, right now there are only two books in the house and they at AA books which I feel he'd have better relating to the narcotics one. Today is a little hard- as he's taking himself off suboxone too, today went off with a rough start- he asked for my help gettin him up and around this. Morning before work- but when I told him it was time to wake up he told me he wanted to sleep a little longer- but apparently talking in his sleep and forgetting what he said was what happened so it made him angry when I got him up an hour later. He has a mornin ritual of needing a couple hours to wake up, plus the sub withdrawal is also in effect. So far not out of the woods on this but I feel I need to go to a meeting myself like you said to understand what's going on really so I'm looking one of for tonight in the Charlotte area. The narc- anon meetings are few and a little far but it's worth it. Please pray for me today
It's going to be tough, but completely doable with help for BOTH of you. You need to heal too. You're both on the right track. ..
support sweetie for YOU is essential too. There will be many whys and huhs, but when you can better understand him, where his life is and how to help him in a constructive way, yet take care of yourself...half the battle is won.
You have GREAT guidance here in nighthawk, my respect for her only grows.
I found the people that have been there before me to be my saviours, something that seems impossible to find in everyday life.
stick around...your no longer alone :)
Thank you! I check this just about everyday through the web, still trying to understand how it works lol. But you guys have most definitely been savior a.. All of you! It's stressful- the last couple of days he's been agitated and body aches- I barely see him because he deals with it all with headphones and music so I try to back off and let him deal with it that way. Mentally I think he's going through a lot. I tell him everyday how proud of him I am.
Its ok ...I'm not sure I get the jist of the how tos here yet either...we check often too tho. If your struggling..you post...ok, well grab you :)
Give him his space, he's working on it..he won't feel good or happy for awhile. .agitation sick fear will be his way of life for now.
this is just the beginning...he will need follow up long term guidance to stay clean, some kind of intervention that you may not beable to give him. Please never feel you have failed him. That's the emotional beating we take when we love them
He's lucky to have you. ..but don't forget about yourself.
Do for you while he does for himself
were here !!! :)
Having a loved one understand and respect the process of recovery, knowing the steps to recovery like getting a sponsor when going to NA, is supporting our recovery, not every addict has this. Your boyfriend has a better than average chance of long term recovery because you are in the know. Keep up the good work and be one step ahead of what's to come. Be prepared like a girl scout, and you'll be at your best to help. Keep posting. We'll be here.
Thank you! So today's question goes to my addict friends (and I say that with the upmost respect and love)- where you guys places on suboxone? What where the issues if you where coming off them? So far the withdrawal from them with him have been absolutely awful and way worse than the heroin withdrawal he went through, but trying to keep him off them has been a mood swing mind game so far- he's doing decent so far but the distance and outbursts have been painful to say the least. He always apologizes after a ten minute cool down away from each other and I unfortunately sat down to talk to him and gave him what I ended up word vomiting as " a hard dose of reality". He listened. Matter of fact he ended up going to a meeting after that too