Avatar universal

Loving a Liar

Long distance relationship with female many states away for about 8 months. I 52, her 59. Lived as a couple 30 some years ago, were both raging alcoholics. Reconnected on FB. Blossomed into calling several times a day, was in love, thought my SO was too. Said she had been on Suboxone for a while was doing good, sounded clear and very credible. Started having troubles with phone contact on weekends. No phone service, at the hospital, laying down, or text only and cant talk. Always sounded like on something when we did communicate. Voice changes, dry and raspy, cant hardly talk. Sometimes stayimg up all night, send me texts at 3Am, 5 AM. Now sounds very groggy and nodding out every time we talk. Cant seem to get me off the phone fast enough. Always a phone problem, bad storm blowing in or laying down with teeth hurting or backache. Has nodded out on the phone on me many times or mid sentence.Wants to talk to me minimally, needs to be early in the day, or when nodding out in the evening,, any other time seems to be inconvenient. Runny sniffy nose alot.No enthusiasm to talk to me, no interest in anything I have to say but claims she loves me and wants me to come and live with her. Its my hometown and I havent visited for 25 years, would like to see all the changes. My family is no longer there as a back up plan if things went bad, been gone so long, wouldnt know where to find anybody for a while.I know that I am being lied to, about usage itself, about why she has to get off the phone or couldnt call, why she seems to be no contact every weekend. I am a former meth and crack user, know all the signs, dont know much about heroin, morphine or Oxies, never was my thing. Very strongly berlieve she is an addict. Questions or confrontations only lead to an argument, where I am made to feel guilty that I would even bring it up{" That hurts me that you think that"). The few people I have confided in say leave, tough love, hang up on her. Even though she does that to me its been very hard to do. The thought and worry eats me up. I feel like anyone who was looking out for themselves would have given up long ago and I cant seem to do that. I know who and how she was before this started, totally different and would make a good partner. We are alot alike in many ways except for this. I like to smoke my greens for migraine depressionj and appetite stimulation{ I am under weight}. Other than that I prefer no hard drugs or booze. She insists she feels the same way, not doing anything, into recovery, and I say its ******** but dont want to argue and lose her as a friend.She says she is coming here in a matter of days on flight to help me prepare to drive back with her in my vehicle to live with her. Dont know what to do. I want her to come so bad just to see her, but the lies and other forms of disrespect have caused me hurt, anger, depression and low self esteem that I have tolerated it as long as I have.If she could only admit theres an issue and not lie to me about it, it would mean so much to me. I have told her if there was a problem I wouldnt feel any different, wouldnt stop loving  her or throw her away, still cant get the truth. Believe she may be slinging a little to support habit, or may be trading favors for connections.She is 86 pounds and a heart patient. It used to damn near give me a heart attack if she would nod off on me, me so far away, dont know anybody else in area to call and go check on her. Used to be if I didnt hear from her, I would worry, now I just get kind of angry, hurt and numb, because I know she is probably OK, doing what she likes to do and avoiding me. Too much denial for treatment.. Do I end it now before she even comes, do I try and reason with her when she does, or do I take my chances on a potentially bad situation{ stay with her} and hope she gets to the point of no more denial and wanting help. Every option seems to break my heart. Continuing tyo try and communicate and avoid the elephant in the room is slowly breaking my heart, tearing me apart and pissing me off because of all the lies. Most posts are from women seeking strength to deal with male users. My problem is the opposite. She is on SS and has minimal expenses so no risk of job loss or any real consequences that most addicts face. She is in a better position to continue for a while, then most addicts. Any words of wit, wisdom and help or hope would sure be appreciated. Thank You- No More Lies
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82861 tn?1333453911
OK, time for some tough love here.  Your SO is already lost.  Her first friend and her first lover is whatever her drug of choice is.  It is not you.  No doubt she would love to have you move in with her.  It would make her life so much easier to have someone else deal with all the realities of life while she nods her way to the grave.  

You know she's using.  You know she is lying about being in recovery.  You know the life of an active addict because you've lived it yourself.  You know you can't love someone out of addiction.  Do you really want to immerse yourself in that life again?
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Avatar universal
Thank you Jaybay for your reply. I know what the answer is, its just so damn hard because of how we started out and what I think our potential could be. A part of me wishes foe her to come in person and maybe I can at least get through the wall of denial, maybe I wouldnt. Not so easy for her to cut and run as on the phone, but it could disturb what little bit of serenity I have worse. She could cause a disturbance here, also a little concerned about having her around with things of value here. I will appreciate it if you have a few buds on here if you can have them give me their input also. I need all the strength and feedback I can get right now. Bless you and thanks for your time. No More Lies
Helpful - 0
1235186 tn?1549257619
You are asking for further confirmation that she is using.
The signs and symptoms are all there.
Excuses,lies,manipulation,besides all the obvious nodding.
for sure opiates. If she was in recovery she isn't anymore.
Chances are when it  is time for her to come she would have another excuse why she couldn't make it.
I wouldn't pursue her. Please notice the elephant in the room for what it is.
Life with an addict doesn't leave much room for you in it.
Take care of you.
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