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Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
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Avatar universal

My daughter is relapsing

She was acting fine, working on her resume, etc. then all of a sudden started giving off red flags, like not answering her phone for large chunks for the day.  Her boyfriend and I got suspicious and I checked her phone bill and found the number of the guys who almost killed her before.  When asked about it, she ran and didn't come home to her apartment last night.  She almost died last time, I really feel like she's not coming back this time.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  There isn't anything is there?  We have been giving her money but in small amounts so she's broke already.  She's probably pawning her phone right now.  Oh, I'm so lost, so depressed...  I feel like she died already...
28 Responses
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh ladies, i am so sorry to read this about your daughters.  Unfortunanently this is the nature of the beast.  All the love in the world wont keep us clean if this is what we choose to do.  Your daughters are not doing this to you on purpose.  They are so sick and the more you intervene right now the further they will run.  This HAS TO BE THEIR DECISION.  I know it is torture to watch your babies go down but we have to.  The more we have help from others the longer it takes.  No more free rides for these girls in any way shape or form.  We have to find our own way.  They are still romancing their drug and they have to find out what it is like when it turns on them.  I know this isnt what you want to hear but you have too.  I know the game, i know how they are feeling and i know the pain.  Both of you have to get your life in order.  Neither one of you are in a position to help them out when they find their way out.  Get involved in some type of recovery care.  This is vital to your well being and theirs.  I hope and pray there will be some healing with all of you~~sara
1801781 tn?1461633069
I can't give you answers..only hope!  I pray she finds her way back to you.  I hope she recovers her brain.  You have done all you can.  All you can do it take care of yourself and your family and give her time to really hit bottom.  Please know I and the others care and it is breaking my heart you are having to face this again.  The road is rocky and never easy and you cannot walk it for her as much as you want to.  
1235186 tn?1549261219
COMMUNITY LEADER
oh jane, i so feel your pain. i am in the same exact situation with my daughter. she left her 6 days ago and is with a new guy. we bailed her out of jail 2 months ago. first week ok. second week got arrested again. then said it was a stupid mistake. the last 3 1/2 weeks she has been coming home at 3 or 4 am and then leaving as soon as she woke up. wont talked to me, stopped going to meetings, is so beligerent,yelling, unreasonable,.she stopped her for 2 minutes today to get some clothes and wouldnt talk to me. we had a confrontation in the street and i tried to not let her leave and the cops came. i have been crying all day too. i am so exhausted. i cant handle this again. my husband, my older son, my pastor, my friend, just says to let her go. basically she will come around. WHAT???? i cant sit by and let this happen again. i am so distraught.
i am so sorry that you are going through this. i totally understand, i feel like i have been stabbed and am bleeding to death. i feel so helpless.
jane, please know that i wish i could give you a very big hug because you know exactly how i feel and i know how you feel. i feel like i have had my heart ripped out again. i was so hopeful and i feel like i have lost it now.
love and hugs to you my friend
debbie
Avatar universal
Thanks so much for the sympathy, littlebit.  Your answer was so simple yet so very true.  There is nothing I can do.  I'm totally helpless.
Avatar universal
Debbie,

Oh, I'm so sorry.  This is so cruel, what they are doing to us.  When you said you felt like you'd been stabbed and are bleeding to death, I totally understood.  The life is being drained from us.  Believe me, from my experience last time I learned even traveling across the country 3 times in a month and hunting her down like a bloodhound and having it fail after 55 days of sobriety, there's NOTHING we can do.  All our effort and money, gone.  I had my bags packed this afternoon, ready to head out there again and my husband pointed out the fact that she had every opportunity to get better and going out there has failed.  Why would it work this time?  By the way, I was right, she did pawn the phone again.  I'm sitting here, my phone's speaker is broken so I can't hear calls or texts coming in and she thinks nothing of pawning her iphone.

Nobody seems to understand but a mom what we feel when our children are in such serious trouble.  Fathers love their children just as much, but still, it isn't the same.  Its so hard to detach, they are a part of us.  Its like we are being held hostage and tortured and have no control over our lives at all.

Well, I'm going to have to break down and find an AA or NA meeting in the next couple days.  I've never been and at this point, its absolutely the only thing I can do.  I read its best during a relapse to react unemotionally, no shame or guilt toward the addict, only suggestions to seek help, but how in heavens name does a mother do that?  I want to grab her and shake her really hard and then tie her up somewhere till she comes to her senses, while telling her how she's taken advantage of everyone who ever loved her.  I know its not her doing this, its the drugs, but she was CLEAN and decided to put herself right back in the same situation with abusive people.  I don't understand and never will.

Debbie, I'm so sorry you are on the same ride as me.  Stay in touch, we both need the support...  I won't be home till tomorrow afternoon, my Mom needs our help with her lawn work tomorrow morning.  That's how people should treat their parents!  

Hugs,
Jane
82861 tn?1333457511
^^^^^  What domino said.  Truer words were never spoken.  :-(
Avatar universal
Sarah,

You are right, the more we intervene the more we risk her running.  She just wrote me a message on facebook saying how negative I am and how I never believe anything she says, etc., etc.  She says it makes her want to use (yeah, right, its MY fault).  I reminded her that she was near death before and had lied to me the entire time she was doing that to herself so she needs to take some responsibility for the fact that we don't blindly believe everything she says.  I told her I would try and not be negative but she has to be truthful with us.  It goes both ways.  I didn't bring up the fact that she's hanging out with people who helped her get in that position again and she pawned her phone, which is a HUGE red flag.  

Thanks everyone for the responses, I need so much help right now dealing with this...I'm trying to get on with my life but when I have quiet moments it hits me again...

Jane
Avatar universal
I need distance from this.  I don't feel like its my fault, but I do feel like I had a part in it, I was trying to overprotect her when I found out she had started lying to me again.  Only she can get and stay clean, and she can only do it for herself.  I need to keep repeating that to myself... I'm not powerful enough to keep her clean.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

My education continues.
495284 tn?1333897642
COMMUNITY LEADER
Do you know how to tell when we are lying while in active addiction?  Everytime we open our mouth.  You have every right not to believe a word she says and she herself has caused this.  She is still playing the blame game.  Yes parents do play a role in this with the enabling.  Once that stops it becomes more difficult for the addict.  We have to start taking responsibility for our own actions as we burn every bridge we cross.  Trying to explain anything to us is pointless.  We see only what we want to see.  Anytime someone gets too close to what is going on we run and turn the tables on you.  We are masters of deception and we go for the juggler when someone calls us out.  We know it is the truth and that is what hurts so bad.  We believe we are different than all the other addicts out there.  You cant beat us at our game, all you can do is take yourself out of the game and not play anymore.  When there are no more players the game is over, we are at our bottom and the only way to go is up.  Dont be a player in her game my friend, just take care of you and get some help.  Sending you all a hug,  sara
Avatar universal
Sara,

You are so wise.  I'm thanking my lucky stars for having you and others on this board who have given so much of your time to help others.  You are true angels.  I will enable no more.  We stopped before she went to rehab, but when she was clean, we told her we would keep the creditors off her back long enough for her to get a job, if she stayed clean and if she was still going to rehab.  We cut her off again, as of the day she called her "old friends".  Money was coming to her in dribbles, enough for gas and food.  Nothing else.   As soon as she left, she immediately was broke, guess that's why she pawned the phone the first day.  Too bad.  She didn't deserve the phone if she gave it up so easily, AGAIN.  If she wants to talk to us, she will find a way.

If there's any difference between now and the first time she went down, its that in between we had some good talks with her and were able to discuss the "friends" who she was hanging out with and their "lifestyle".  I know she understands what she's doing now.  She just didn't have the self control to not do it again.  She knows the whole thing is wrong and has seen the truth when she was clean...  These people have never had a real job to speak of and steal peoples belongings to pay for their habit.  Eventually she will be in jail or dead if she doesn't get out.  But that's her choice not mine.

Thanks again.

Jane

  
1235186 tn?1549261219
COMMUNITY LEADER
Good morning jane,
I have been going to alanon for seven months.I have learned many things.I feel I have made strides in my recovery. Remember I have been a player in this addiction game for 16 years,when I say that it is very frightening. Some how by the grace and mercy of my LORD I haven't been committed to a mental hospital. I always have been able to keep it together for my children when my husband used. my older son also used during some of the same time frame. Now with my daughter it just seems so unbearable again.
It is so hard to detach emotionally from my children. Much easier with my husband. We just lived separately in the same house. chlidren are our flesh and blood,it defintely hurts way more.
I have the same thoughts about shaking her to wake her up and about tying her up. We have had physical altercations when we did fight. Her pushing me and then me trying to physical restrain her. I am crying as I write this that it has gotten so insane. When this happens and when I verbally fight with her and try to reason everything thing I have learned at alanon and every step forward I have gained I feel is all lost.  damn addiction ..Yesterday I asked my husband about money I had given him .it. was only about $20 that wasn't accounted for and I immediately accused him of using he has been in recovery for two years. I actually told him if he used again I would kill him in his sleep. Oh my GOD I do believe I am again insane.
Yes talking to our daughters and trying to reason with them and have them remember all the terrible things that happened to them just doesn't compute. It is so sad.I look at my gorgeous daughter and I can't even see her. My heart is so broken. I have my two younger sons 12 & 14. I have to focus on them. It hurts them so that their sister left the house again after only being there for 6 weeks. They too believed that she was home to stay. How can they not feel like she is doing this to them???
Once again I am trying to forge forward with my recovery and again I put my daughter into the LORDS hands. That is my best hope.I have to trust in HIM. Jane. You are so in my prayers and thoughts as we live and survive through this.
Avatar universal
Debbie,

Having my daughter leave and fall back into a bad situation felt so much like a slap in the face.  I know how you and your family feel... it feels personal, like we mean nothing to her...  I know it isn't that way in my head, but my heart is broken...I really hope your sons understand that she's being controlled by the drugs, it really isn't personal...

I hope you can make peace with the fact that you have done everything possible to help your daughter.  She just isn't ready.  In my mind, I'm hoping having some clean time will leave some positive feelings in the back of their minds, so when they're ready, remembering what it felt like to be clean might give them incentive to really do it next time.

We can hope.  Hugs,

Jane

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