Aa
A
A
A
Close
Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
1.15k Members
Avatar universal

New Here - Husband Addicted to Cocaine Part 3

Hi guys....i started a new thread..."Part 3", the last one was getting really long like the last time.  Thanks you everyone for your support during this difficult time.  The story of my journey begins on the "Husband Addicted to Cocaine" original post.
102 Responses
Avatar universal
hi everyone...i received this from my husband....he basically forwarded me an email from this guy who he is meeting to go to that rehab place. i dont know anything about these kinds of meetings. he told me that he wants his actions to show he is trying to get help.

what should i be looking for here? he wants to do outpatient.  The note here mentions AA...when i pulled up the site on-line i guess they do AA and other addictions. is that okay? is it my job to investigate this for him.  

not sure what i should do.  i am still very upset as you all know.

"Hi,

Alamo Club (AA meeting ) on Sepulveda south of Pier behind the gas station in HB.  I attend Saturday morning men's stag which starts at 8 30 AM to 9 30.  I also attend a speaker meeting Saturday evening at 7 30 at American Martyrs ( across the street from church and parking lot ) ending at 9.

Meet me at the Alano Club at 8 15 tomorrow morning and I will show you around and introduce you to the boys.

Scott"
480448 tn?1426952138
Thanks for starting a new thread...the last one was starting to load slow for me again!

I think progress is progress.  I think he's forwarding you those emails as his way of "proving" that he really is doing something.  I don't think that meetings alone will be enough, IMO...I think he should seek out a professional who deals with addiction, or an outpatient addiction clinic.  I'm sure your therapist could make some recommendations for you.

I don't think you need to "do" anything.  Just let him start at the meetings, and go from there.  You still don't have to have any kind of convo with him if you're not ready.  I don't think you really even need to reply to his emails.
Avatar universal
This is fine and those are the places where the AA meetings will be held tomorrow...BUT...it's NOT NEARLY ENOUGH!

He should be checking into an intensive outpatient rehab or IOR. He should also be seeing a therapist or addictionologist as an adjuvant. For someone with his type of history, a Saturday meeting is ALMOST a joke, in my opinion.

AA has a saying "90 meetings in 90 days" for a reason...He could go to a meeting ever single day or evening and he should. In your area there are hundreds of meeting areas and times, I'm sure.    

You know, MAYBE he thinks that ONE meeting a week is fine...Who knows? Ask him.  We are experts at being addicts but not at recovery...not in the beginning anyway...he needs to educate himself on this. Please ask him if he thinks this is all he needs and if he says it's a start that's BS.  He should be jumping in up to his neck!

No, it's not your job to check all this out for him but I think it's part of your job as a supporter to do it WITH him...so that you're BOTH learning about the disease.
Avatar universal
so, should i tell him he needs to go to an outpatient clinic that deals with addiction? i know they are all over town and our insurance covers it 100% with with a $25 co-pay. maybe the people at this place will tell him what he needs? i guess i am not sure what my role is here...i am not sure what he needs, you know? but i do agree that a saturday meeting is not enough.

not sure if you read my last posts i sent last night, but we did communicate yesterday. through email...not ready to talk to him live. he was going on and on about how he missed me and wanted to do whatever it took to save his family and come back home. i told him how i had been feeling, about how he destroyed the family, bailed, the lies, cheating...DRUGS...all of it. and he was saying that he wanted to repair my heart and do whatever it took.

but i was not so quick to believe him. i want to see action. words mean nothing and i told him that. i told him that transparency was not enough...no way. i told him that rehab was a must. and i could tell that he was making excuses...saying that he didnt have the money...blah, blah. i didnt buy it. i told him that I HAD THE money for the copay. he said that he had been lookng for inpatient but didnt have money. i told him that there was some excellent outpatient facilities here.  i told him that he could not come home the wrong way. i told him that rehab, transparency, and no drinking were my boundaries and that he could not come home without that. i told him that i would support him through his recovery, not his addiction. that we would have to go to family therapy, and with his help...i would consider trying to get over his infedelity. i told him that he broke my heart...and destroyed this family with his selfishness. i reminded him that gym..and selfish and cruel it was that he allowed us to remain members at a gym where his former mistress taught yoga...that was ridiculous.  i let him have it and told him never again would i be disrespected by him or anyone again. and you know what, you guys? i meant it.

then, that is when a few hours later he forwarded me that message about that meeting.

you remember there is a restraining order in place from the altercation a few months ago. it is suppose to be lifted on 11/29. he asked if he could come home then. i told him no. not until his action showed me that he was changing.

there is no way he can come home without doing any of the hard work to get himself together. that means rehab program, and family therapy. i will not do it. why go through all that pain again? no way.

and i am not even sure what i want to do anyway.

i still keep thinking of him having an affair behind my back...and the sexual acts they did.

everythign is all talk to me right now. i want to see action.
1235186 tn?1549261219
COMMUNITY LEADER
he should start by calling the addiction services within the insurance. he will go in for an evaluation. then they will make a recommendation. IOP (intensive outpatient program) meets 3 to 4 days a week for 3 hours at a time. they do have evening sessions. they use a 12 step program, do random urine tests. it is run by a addiction counselor. he should also have individual counseling, the center would also offer this. then he should do aa or na meetings in addiction to the IOP.
have you been attending alanon?
3060903 tn?1398568723
Oh my, when my husband "relapsed" I sent him to a 90 day program, and then NA on a few times a week, for a year.  When I relapsed, I initiated two years of blood and urine testing every second day, plus when to a full day , 30 day out patient program.

You're in a bad position, you didn't even know when your husband was using, and using meant adultery. Your going to have to have ":proof" from drug testing because he has proven that he can fool you.

What's being offered as a "solution" is a little bit of NA 'with the boys" on Saturday morning.  Now, it is a start, and you should be hopeful, but he is either naive or shady, to think that this can be the solution.  Hopefully he is finding it enough, support for today, and for that I am happy for him, and for you, and of course, for your child, but this is not "Rehab" by any means.  How does he plan on drug testing?

Yes, you absolutely must research all the programs in your area, to keep things honest.
http://treatment.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?city=Los+Angeles&county=Los+Angeles&state=CA&spec=223

After you do your research, and find what you think is suitable, with the support of an Addiction Counselor, your therapist, your family, your support system,  you can make an educated opinion about what is suitable for your husband. I DID. Had I not done it , it would not have gotten done.

One big, really important question, and this significantly changes the IDEAL OPTION FOR HIS RECOVERY IN REHAB.  How much of the rehab process is dependent upon him being able to work daily?
3060903 tn?1398568723
ie. the The Hills Treatment CenterTreatment Facility only offers a Residential Relapse Recover Program, that i think once you call is residential because offering Relapse Recovery particularly focuses on addicts that have had recovery and lost that recovery due to relapse. Wow.
3060903 tn?1398568723
Yeah girl I found this for you,

Action Family Counseling’s Partial Program, full day (6-8) and half day (4-6) is designed to serve adult and adolescent male and females with substance abuse, co-occurring diagnoses and mental illness related problems.

http://www.actionfamilycounseling.com/facilities/intensive-outpatient-program

reatment Services Provided:
- Diagnostic Assessment
- Individualized team/family treatment plan
- Individual Counseling
- Group Therapy
- Family counseling
- Multi-family group Therapy
- Recovery planning groups
- Educational Groups
- Treatment Advocacy
- Drug Testing
- Discharge planning
- Referrals to out-side agencies
- Transaction to an increased level of care, if needed

Action Family Counseling has Intensive Outpatient Programs in Santa Clarita, Studio City, Simi Valley, Ventura, Pasadena, Palmdale, Bakersfield, and Las Vegas.

With drug and alcohol rehab locations in Santa Clarita, Piru, Ventura, Santa Paula, Pasadena, Palmdale, Studio City, Simi Valley, Bakersfield, and Las Vegas, Action Family Counseling is here to help you.

For information regarding admission, intake, and services please call Action Family Counseling at (800) 367-8336.
Avatar universal
Good info from Debbie and Nighthawk-

He needs the INTENSIVE OUTPATINET PROGRAM. He just needs to sign up and go through the intake, they'll tell him what he needs to do.

I agree with you on all counts. He needs to search this out after you tell him what you expect. He needs to be making a dramatic effort to prove that he SHOULD come home, I agree with that, too.

I DID read those other comments about your emails. Good! Now he has an idea what's on your mind and he needs to speak to THAT!
3060903 tn?1398568723
Yeah Vicki, Miller :) Also the Action Family Counselling also has a sober living house, that allows working, and includes pm meetings, counselling, therapy etc. It might be too early to consider having him back in your bed, and that absolutely should be a consideration. I learned to handle the fact that my husband cheated, after he attended a residential treatment program only. I couldn't have felt okay about the cheating right off the bat, immediately after he accepted that he was powerless over drugs and alcohol.

I also like this program because they are very family friendly, in that you can be involved in the assessment part so that the adultery, and maybe sex addiction (porn) is not minimized. All rehabs are not equal in the family component (I've had experience that some programs offer little or no inclusion with the family, which was a huge problem).

3060903 tn?1398568723
I agree with Vicki, you're doing a great job telling him how you feel and what your expectations are!! It must be exhilarating to finally be able to show your emotions without being shut down. I'm happy for you. I know you questioned why is your husband so happy? That it was peeving you, right? According to specialists this period is called the "honeymoon" period, and will end and turn into something else. Vicki's right, let the professionals deal with everything, that's the beauty of rehab. I thought that I would add this, however, because it's important for you to know WHY your husband appears to be happy right now. Not only is he trying to be light for you, but it is part of the addiction process that you need to be aware of.

This is a thread from Medhelp about what's called "The Pink Cloud", it happens when an addict experiences some reprieve from their addiction and they become overconfident and relapse.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Social/The-pink-cloud-and-overconfidence/show/1054400

Pink Cloud is why addiction is baffling and cunning, and probably why your husband relapsed in the first place, I know it was for me, my husband etc.

The first few days or weeks in recovery are normally a time of adjustment for the addict’s body and mind. Early recovery can be a roller coaster of emotions—often frustrating and stressful. After this will come a leveling-out period in which many people will have an almost euphoric feeling, sometimes referred to as a “pink cloud.”

This ah-ha experience can last for days or even weeks—I really have this recovery thing figured out; I can do this!

I remember feeling this way myself. It was almost like a natural high. But the addict should be careful not to think that he or she is cured, because this could lead to another try at controlled using (i.e., a slip or relapse).

Five months after leaving treatment I tried some controlled using. For me this verified that I indeed was addicted, and I quickly got back to working on my recovery.

A person in recovery can almost plan on experiencing a pink cloud, but the ensuing relapse doesn’t have to happen.

http://www.drug-addiction-help-now.org/blog/



As per withdrawal from cocaine,

At least three stages are typically described for cocaine withdrawal. According to the text “Drugs and Human Behavior,” the first stage is an intense “crash” that follows coming off the drug, which can last for up to four days. The second is a period of dysphoria and intense craving that can last for one to 10 weeks. Finally, the third has an indefinite duration, where cravings occur and gradually become extinct.

Stage 2, Withdrawal
This period is characterized by extreme dysphoria or malaise, loss of pleasure, lack of motivation and increased cravings, notes “Drugs and Human Behavior.”

This stage, which can last up to 10 weeks, BEGINS WITH A "HONEYMOON" PERIOD CHARACTERIZED BY IMPROVING ENERGY AND OPTIMISM REGARDING RECOVERY, notes Addiction Info.

The National Institute on Drug Abuse, or NIDA, notes that after this honeymoon period individuals hit the wall, which is the major hurdle in recovery because during this time reduced physical and sexual energy, depression and anxiety, irritability, and strong cravings make relapse a very real possibility. This risk for relapse is high during this stage, notes “Drugs and Human Behavior,” because the "wall of anhedonia" seems insurmountable. However, if patients can pass this stage without relapsing, there is a reasonable chance of remaining abstinent.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/170512-cocaine-withdrawal-stages/#ixzz29DC0Nfmj


Avatar universal
you guys are the best. i am just reading through all the post...and will respond when i get back with updates. i have decided to get out of the house today. my girlfriends is having a small get together...wine/cheese...listen to some music...and i have decided to do my hair, put some make up on, put on a sundress and go. i have a sitter.  

i need to get out.

when he came to see the baby....he was trying to be nice...asking me how i was doing...i ignored him...and he said that i could at least say hello back. he then made a comment about our son't haircut. trying to make a joke out of it about who cut it...says he didnt like it...and trying to be lighthearted about it.

that annoys me...his light heartedness..you know? i guess night explained where that might be coming from.

he said he attended that meeting. i read all your advice...and it is not enouhg...but i just didnt go there. i need to talk with all of you about how to have that conversation. he also asked me if i would find a marriage counselor for us. i didnt respond.

you guys are the best.  i have to say that i was a member of another on-line support group. i am no longer on that site. i always felt bullyed on there...i think people were trying to be honest...but it just seemed like people were just insensitive...and downright rude in front of everyone. it made me uncomfortable...and i noticed that a lot of people would send me private messages commenting on how hurt they were from the "advice" or the way in which they were made to feel stupid.

i NEVER feel like that with you guys...never. even when you tell me the truth about things i may not want to hear.i am so glad that i came here...because of you all. i know that i would not have been able to have gotten this far without you support, and hard truths. i am so grateful.

i hope i am making you all proud by being strong and standing my ground...even though it is so hard not to cave and say..."okay, just come home." becasue of you guys...i can tell him..."no, you cant come home until these conditions are met." and mean it. i know in the end that is the only thing that will save me regardless of if we are together or not.

thanks guys..

Life...if you are out there...i hope you know yoru comments are always welcomed...even though i may not want to hear them sometimes.
Have an Answer?
Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333897642
City of Dominatrix, MN
3060903 tn?1398568723
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Here’s how your baby’s growing in your body each week.