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Avatar universal

Save my marriage

My wife went to rehab to get better for herself, and our marriage. She went in telling me I was her rock, her support, and a huge part of her motivation to get clean. Her family has thanked me for being so instrumental in her happiness, and desire to recover. She has let me know that when she gets out on Monday, that she will be moving 50 miles away with one of her roommates, and her husband. Told me she needs to get away from everyone, and all her triggers. I don't used, and we have had a great marriage aside from addiction related issues. I keep hearing about people's emotions being turned upside down, and know that this is most likely the cause. I don't want to lose my wife, and feel it's a matter of time, but I'm afraid of what she might do in the meantime. I know she is vulnerable, and can be easily taken advantage of. What can I do that can shake someone out of this confusion? She needs me, and her families support through this, and she keeps pushing us away
33 Responses
6063300 tn?1430430571
All you can do is be patient! This is a very hard time she is going threw. Just know that what she does and says has nothing to do with you but the drugs she is coming off of! Just be there for her and when she needs space give it to her. Let her know you love her and will be there for her and it will help her recovery.....
271792 tn?1334979657
Hi & Welcome,

Why do you suspect that she is pushing y'all away? From what you type she is trying to get herself better and while there is no geographical cure this may be her best bet right now. You need to get yourself into perhaps Alanon or some sort of counseling. You need to learn about addiction. Do you know it is a disease and just putting the drug down does not fix it. There is no cure and she will spend the rest of her life working on her recovery. It may sound selfish but her recovery cannot include you right now. If she does not get well she cannot have a relationship with you. Again, I have to suggest that you do as much work on your end of it before trying to get her to come back. You cannot support her if you do not understand the disease.

Like your wife I went into a half-way situation after treatment. I was gone from home for a year. Had it not been for that I would not be sitting here today.
Avatar universal
I've been learning all I can(mostly online) that's what brought me here. I fully understand that I need to be there for her as little, as much, or not at all at times. I'm doing my best to educate myself. I have desperately tried to find local Alanon meeting, but have had no luck. I can be patient, but being shut out all together is hard. Btw, she isn't going to a halfway house. She is moving in with a woman she met in rehab, and her husband. This worries me, because these people are basically strangers, and are struggling with their own recovery
6063300 tn?1430430571
I can understand your concern, I would be to not knowing who these people are and no one there to direct them. This is a tuff one......Not sure what to tell you hopefully someone will be able to that has been threw this.
Avatar universal
I feel for you. People do what they have their mind set to do. Tell her you love her and you want her to come home. Ask her what can you do to make this happen. I had a seizure a month ago and was in the hospital and all I could think of was getting home. I think most people in the hospital want to go home so I dont get what she is thinking. I would ask her whatever is on your mind. Do not let this wait. There are people out there that will take advantage. Also I would try to ask the rehab people what you should do. Keep me posted. God Bless, Dove
Avatar universal
The people at her rehab facility have been very evasive with me. Almost seems like they have been working against me. When I ask about family counselling, they told me that I'm on my own, and that she would not be participating with me.
6063300 tn?1430430571
That does not sound right to me! They should be providing you with info to help. I have never been to rehab but it does not sound right. I wonder if maybe it has some thing to do with what you wife is telling them?? I hope I am wrong but I know as an addict I was always blaming others and not myself....
Avatar universal
I've been doing all kinds of research, and was told that one of the problems in 12 step programs, is that they are told that their addiction isn't their fault. This leads a lot of people to place blame with others, and not accept any responsibility. To me this seems like exactly what's going on.
6063300 tn?1430430571
Seems like it to me! Wow I never knew they would do that! This really does not seem fair to their family! I know that what I am doing or did to myself is no ones fault but my own. No one held a gun to my head and told me to take a pill. I sure hope you can figure this out! I am here if you need to vent
Avatar universal
I think you are getting ahead of yourself there. You don't need to analyze 12 step programs. And btw, that is NOT what goes on in meetings.

Back to you, this must be a blow for you and I'm sorry. I'm w/ Bears fan, that sounds odd to me. The folks at her rehab are there to support her, not you. So you need to get yourself help, in person. There is alanon everywhere. I don't understand why you say you have no luck finding a meeting. Look again, you will find them.

Remember, your wife is sick. She is prob still  detoxing, at least mentally, and her world is upside down. She may look back at her decisions at think she was crazy. For all you know, she could be planning to move in w/ those people to continue her drug use. Who knows. Point is, more will be revealed later.

I cannot suggest strongly enough to find an alanon meeting and go asap. You need a support group. People you can have coffee with. Folks that get it that you can call at any time.
Avatar universal
I have been pretty diligent about looking for local Alanon meetings. It's actually been extremely frustrating. I have found warnings about facilities that have unethical methods that are more concerned aboutprofit, than people. Some of the warning signs were pushing them to continue with a live in work program. They actually tried selling her on this when I was with her when she was admitted. Said it was a great way to start her life over. I thought this was a very tacky sales pitch to do in front of me, and before her treatment had even started. Another warning sign is not pushing for family participation in counselling, and educating us in expectations, and how to do our part. I even asked this about this, and was told that I was on my own, and she wouldn't be participating. Another is encouraging  separating them from their family, and I feel that this is obviously going on. She has cut everyone out but her dad. She refuses to speak to me, her brother, sister, and other close family members. We are all baffled, and devastated
271792 tn?1334979657
Now I see it more clearly. The situation is a bit concerning. You are probably right that she should NOT be around strangers who are struggling with their own recovery. And why she won't talk with you at all is a mystery. This is not the 12 step way at all. I feel for you honey and I hope it all works out but it seems there is something else going on with her. Please keep talking here and let us know what is going on. My prayers are with you.
Avatar universal
Thank you for your prayers. I'm so afraid of losing her to what seems like a total rollercoaster of emotions. She is the love of my life, and I don't know if I will be able to pick up the pieces. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient, but I don't know how to be completely out of the picture
Avatar universal
This sounds completely wrong to me and I cannot imagine a reputable facility that encourages addicts to move in together after rehab! Not therapeutic at all.  She's a married women and should be supported in returning to her home and family(unless it's dangerous).  For them to interfere with your marriage is unbelievable! That's a law suit.

Something is wrong with that place. Who is paying?  I think you should get together with her family and go there tomorrow to visit(they allow family visits, right?) and get some answers from her in person. It all sounds crazy to me and having worked in a facility I KNOW this isn't usual!

Something else: Does she have access to large amounts of money? A shared account with a debit card?  I'd close those accounts, withdraw all the money she might have access to and do it fast. You must do that until she begins to make sense. You need to be protected.

Keep in touch. I'm sorry you're going through this. Are you sure it's a 12 step based rehab?
Avatar universal
Something does not sound right. Go up the ladder. You have every right to know about your wifes condition,. If she were on life support you would be the one to make certain choices. I hate to say this but she may have said not to talk to you. When I was in the hospital my boyfriend and another friend were in the room asking the nurse about how I was doing and the nurse looked at me and asked if she could talk to them about my condition and I said sure. Then she talked to them but without my ok the nurse would not have said anything. How often are you talking to your wife? Dove
Avatar universal
She gets out tomorrow. Last time I had an actual conversation with her was the first week she was there. Only phone call after that was to tell me not to come see her on visitation day. She was cold, and sounded angry. When I asked if she still wanted to be with me, she said no, when I asked if she still loved me, she hung up.
Avatar universal
You should cut her money off and keep her family informed what and why you are doing things. There are evil people in this world. Does she speak with her family? Also take care of yourself. You cant help anyone if your not rested and such. I know that is easier said than done. Dove
Avatar universal
Hi.....well something doesent sound right here....the last statement you made about her telling you to not come and see her is alarming also the fact she hung up on you when you asked if she loved you....your marriage may not be as rock solid as you think   many people take drugs to cover there real emotions just so they can get threw life  remove the drugs and all that has been pent up inside comes spilling out...right now in earlly recovery your emotions are all over the place and it has been years since you have delt with even simple emotions  just know a addict in active addiction can only love themselves and often cant even do that it is a very selfsentered disease  you wife needs space  I dont agree with her moving in with one of her rehab mates but does she have a sister or brother that would be willing???  just a thought  keep us posted where here for support..........Gnarly
10996785 tn?1432812977
Hey Lostsoul, Yes this is strange and very hard to take. You've already have proven yourself to be the rock that can be relied upon. Many in this community don't know that before I became a hard line addict, I was married to one. In and out of rehabs almost every other year. Often times they would try and turn the ex against, not just me, but her whole side of the family. Old school rehabilitation centers practiced this sort of "new life" beginning. It hurt me to hear all how I was the problem when all I did was support her in every way. She never did get clean and sober. Like almost every addict she just manipulated the system.

I feel that you are the victim here and this behavior, although there is nothing you can do, is over the top and unacceptable. Giving an addict what they want unconditionally probably is not the best thing to do. I put up with this behavior for years. I suggest you at least seek legal council.  
Avatar universal
This is her first round of rehab. She had decided to deal with issues from her childhood, that she says fueled her addiction. I'm not at the point that I want to seek legal help. I would feel like that would be the first step towards giving up on her. I love my wife very deeply. I refuse to give up on her when she needs me most
10996785 tn?1432812977
My apologies sir. Somehow I posted that without finishing. Oh I understand how you feel and I'm not suggesting you start any type of legal options concerning your marriage directly. You should begin to. in any way you feel comfortable with, document a trail for the future. Yes I know this is also a tough thing to hear but it may be of some help in the future. Of course you love your wife and you should try and support her all you can. This is a community that tries to help addicts. Your wife running off with strangers is not helping her and I would tell her the same thing if she was to post here. It's not easy for me to talk to you this way. I know both sides way more than I wish I would. I absolutely would never had a chance to get better without my family. Not saying it's impossible, just for me that is. I've learned as I went. Sometimes the lesson were hard. I'm just hoping you can skip a step and realize that sometimes, tough love is the best love. I do wish you the very best and I truly hope I haven't offended you in anyway, that surely was not my intentions. Best Wishes to you friend......ike
Avatar universal
It's ok, I don't think he meant any harm, or offence. I appreciate any advice, prayers, and we'll wishes. I don't know how this will all play out. My worry is that she will jump into a relationship with someone else. I know how vulnerable, and emotionally unsound right now. If she does, I have to ask myself if I can live with it, and what I can accept. I know that under any other circumstances it would be a deal breaker, but the other thing I know is that I love my wife with all my heart, and that I know without a doubt that she loves me too. She's just lost right now, and I pray that when she realizes that she needs me as much as I need her, that she isn't too proud to make her way home
1235186 tn?1549257619
COMMUNITY LEADER
How long has she been in rehab?
It is always recommended that the first year of recovery not to make any
Major changes in your life.
Emotions are so raw and their mind is not thinking clearly.



Avatar universal
It's a 30 program, and she gets out today. I know they aren't supposed to make any major life changes until they learn to process emotions they aren't used to. But I know my wife well enough to know that she is VERY headstrong, and once she gets something in her head (right or wrong) no one can change her mind, but herself. I do believe she's doing what she thinks is best. I'm just questioning her influences
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