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Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
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Avatar universal

Standing Alone Talking He Can't Hear Me

Hi,

Its my first post. My life has become unmanageable because of choices of not putting myself first.

I live with a drug addict who over the past two years has not held a steady job, stayed clean unless court mandated, facing felony sentencing Thursday. I don't feel loved. I truly feel used. His illness of addiction has by my own accord caused me to be severely co-dependent. He gets arrested on drug charges begs to get let out. Promises it will never happen again. I know that isn't true.
The last arrest was for a bench warrant of failure to appear. I posted bond. Trusted that he would go to work to repay me within a couple weeks. I pay rent, food, utilities. We live together. All he had to do was pay me back so I could pay rent.
Fast forward and I lost the house for eviction. Now we live with my mom while money gets saved. I work 2 jobs now 1 full time and 1 part time to catch up and move elsewhere.
He rarely works. His money is not paying me back to help our living situation. He says he needs a car for work. Last year he would take off for days in vehicles and get high on meth, contact prostitutes for drugs and watch endless amounts of porn. Sign up on multiple bondage websites. He claims its because he has a condition to where medication for sex is too expensive so he uses meth.
He got a new prescription for performing enhancements at literary $1 a pill. I don't see signs of meth use lately but now he's going on random errands and takes his pills. Thing is we literary stopped having sex he still pops the medication like candy. He dresses up when he leaves the house as though he has a date. Pressed button up shirts, sport coat, nice jeans. I checked his email a year ago and found he was emailing other women. I checked his email today and his trash folder is empty. He cleared it out. He says things to make fun of me daily. He has sentencing Thursday and he's facing upto 10 years in prison. He thinks he will get probation. The court usually sends people to a drug prison program for 3 to 6 months. The courts lable him as a moderate risk to reoffend. He told me that if he goes to prison its because I answered honestly in a presentencing interview about what his behavior is like when he is on meth. I was honest and said he disappears often and his temper changes to being aggressive. When he's sober he is present and is kind to others. Which leads me to the next point, he does all kinds of "good guy" projects like landscaping my moms yard and putting in a pond. Driving across town to help get something for his mom or the kids. Yet when I need something he says he's exhausted and stressed out. For example, I clean our room and bathroom etc everyday even when I work up to 15 hours. He just lays in it. Spilling ice cream making messes with trash he won't throw away. If he respects me he'd want to do "good guy" stuff for me too. I took him to a comedy show to see someone famous I have known for a few years who came to town and got complimentary vip tickets. He pouted the entire time. Told my friend that "He isn't very funny". I try to do lifetime experiences to create memories. I got free tix for a probaseball game and he was sulking through that as well. My mom and him are very secretive. I was cleaning our bathroom today and saw her used underwear tossed under the sink. So many nights he leaves our room. I have seen her door cracked open. Something is going on between them. If I say anything then Im the insecure one. Im exhausted. My eating disorder is back because its something I can control. Our situation is unhealthy and stressful. All I hoped for was for us to be happy. He's miserable I am too.
5 Responses
Avatar universal
I have been there and it dont get any better.He will never change until he hits rock bottom,but why should he change when he still has everything. He has a roof over his head,food in his stomach,u buying his drugs or giving him money which buys his drugs so why should he change.My advice for u is to let him go and take care of ur self 1st. Ur eating disorder is nothing to play around with and i know u may love,care and want him to get better but the fact is u may have to realize that he may never get better so do u want to continue living like this or let him go and be happy and healthy urself..Best of luck.
Avatar universal
I read your post and all I could think was: When is enough, enough?
I can feel your pain. I am the mother of an addict who is finally in recovery. I have lived so much of the agony of a loved one in addiction so I want you to know how "dug in" we get when we are trying to support or love an addict.
But if you reread your post and try to pretend it is not you but someone else, what would you counsel them to do?
Get out now. You are in way too deep and this is not a person that sounds the least bit interested in recovery. For your sake, I hope they put him in jail.
You need and deserve some peace and you won't get it until you are free from his bondage.
It appears that he has betrayed you in every way possible for someone who is supposed to be in a relationship. He is using you. And it sounds like he is now using your mother as well.
It is good that you have found this site as there is wonderful support here. Others will come along and provide guidance and support as well.
Every day you stay in this relationship is essentially another day in hell. You sound young and smart. Get out and find the life you deserve. Give this guy his walking papers.
I am pulling for you to find the strength to move on.
Avatar universal
I really hate to say this because i have seen this play out with numerous couples and well, You are enabling him. He sounds like a textbook narcisstic with an extremely addictive personality whose addicted to drugs,methamphetamine,pornography,sex,prostitutes,and im sure other vices.The story about him need "meth because i cant afford sexual enhancement drugs"is a croc bc if he is substituting it with meth and YOU are is signifigant other,why is he not being intimate with you. He's living an addicts lifestyle and spending YOUR and even your families money on his multiple addictions. Money you work hard for! I understand that you probably love this person but your not helping eiether of you by supporting not only him but his drug and sex addiction.You need to get out of this relationship/marriage as soon as possible.
  Im sorry if i sounded judgemental its just i see how you are very clearly getting the VERY bad end here and its not fair for you to have to be a woman and work hard on two jobs to support him and his lifestyle. I pray you get out of this situation..God bless you!
Avatar universal
You have just spent 15 minutes eloquently describing a ****. You seem too intelligent and self aware to be in a relationship with this lump of nothing. He is being kind to those around you and not you because he already has YOU. Gaining the approval of those close to you makes it even harder for you to leave, as they will come to his defense, citing what a great guy he is. This entrenched you more deeply in the relationship. Abusers do this ALL the time, as a means to dominate their significant other. They form good relationships with those in your life so you will have no support when you finally decide you have had enough. He is doing the same thing. I can only assume you are smart enough to know that every person on here is going to tell you to leave, based on the terrible way you describe him. This leads me to believe you are either looking for the courage to leave, or some validation that you are being treated poorly, and a little sympathy (with no intention on leaving.) For your sake, I sincerely hope it is the former!
2 Comments
Oh and ps... The fact that he is not having sex with you anymore is probably a blessing in disguise, as he will undoubtedly catch some sort of clap from the prostitutes you know in your heart he is cheating on you with
GREAT POINTS NobodyReally32
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The fact that his excuse to use meth is for sexual reasons is crazy talk. If drinking bleach would give you a harder penis would he do that too regardless of the consequences (10 years in prison, ruining his significant other's life etc).  It's a crazy argument. The fact that your mother engages in a relationship with him, instead of kicking his butt for not treating you properly (taking 1/2 the burden of rent, food, insurance, car, etc.) is so unfortunate for your family relationship. For your sake and his i hope he goes to jail/treatment.

I'm really glad that you're working to get your own place. It worries me that your mother is enabling him, as you are, and it seems that it might be a part of the way you were raised, with co-dependence. If this is the case, and you were raised with enabling a sick person and co-dependence, please contact a therapist that can help you break the cycle of co-dependence so that you're sure to pick the right next significant other in your life. I think you really need to understand the impact of the relationships in your life in order to move on in a healthier direction.

He "doesn't do good guy stuff for you"; "makes fun of you everyday" and doesn't even clean up while you're working 15 hour days. You need to end this with him, so you can move on to a relationship that you deserve. I think you know this already and are just shy of pulling the trigger, maybe waiting for the judge to make the decision for you. No matter how it happens, you need to move on, get therapeutic help for yourself so you don't find yourself in the same position with the same type of person. When people treat us poorly we lose our sense of hope and faith. You need to get that back. There are great relationships happening between couples, and please set your sights on attaining your due. You are due for a guy that is as responsible and caring as you are.
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