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Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
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Avatar universal

Very confused, scared, and hesitant to get married now

My fiancé and I have been together for almost 10 years. He asked me to marry him last year and we are or were planning on getting married this June. I knew in college that he did a few drugs every now and then when he would drink. He enjoys himself when he is out drinking and then takes it to far most of the time. I have never supported this side of his life but also know I have been naïve about things. I have begged him to stop, and he does for a while but then will go out for drinks with the guys and get right back into it. I am scared for his health and life. I am scared for my life. We both love each other more than anything in this world. We want to be together and really do enjoy each other. This past weekend he hit rock bottom. He experimented with a new drug and stayed out the entire weekend. Not only did he stay away from the house the entire weekend, he didn't answer any of my calls and didn't communicate with me at all. I was left in the dark....scared, miserable, and confused. I was devastated. I knew he was okay bc that was the only thing he did say to me through texts. I would text him back and he would turn his phone off. He knew what he was doing was wrong and I guess he didn't want me to tell him that. When he finally came home things hit the fan. Our whole world came crashing down. He was crying and telling me he is an addict and needs help. He tells me he wants to stop drinking and doing drugs, but I am scared this is just a temporary thing. He has made an appointment to talk to someone and met with his friends to tell them he has a problem. Which, they all were in the dark as well. He does these things by himself or with this 1 other "friend". Anyways, now I am left here wondering what to do. I want to marry him and always have but now I just cant see myself standing up there and fully believing in us. I am so devastated this is happening and now am left to make a decision. I vented to my family for the first time ever about this, this past weekend and now the family is involved. They are scared for me and think I should get out of it. I don't want to- but I also don't want this to be the rest of my life. I love him so much and knows he wants to get better but its like we are on a "timeline" because we are supposed to get married in 4 months. I know he loves me and he has said this past week while we have been staying in separate houses that he wants to prove it to me and wants to change not only for me but for himself. He said he is going through with the counseling and stopping drinking for himself and hope that I can one day trust him again. I am so beyond confused and scared. I want to trust him but for the past 6 years this has been a problem. It has just gotten really bad this past year. I am just looking for support and advice from outsiders. What would you do? Or what is your advice? desperate for help....
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Ainsley,
I am the mother of 3 young adults: 2 girls and 1 boy. My daughters have wonderful careers and are considered by all measures happy and successful.  My son is an opiate addict and traveling the road with him has been the most difficult and emotionally wrenching thing I have had to try to survive and that is saying a lot as I am a cancer survivor. My son is brilliant, college educated and can charm anyone. Unfortunately, he is in the grip of a powerful force and has been for several years.
I tell you this so you will know that I see things from a full 360 degree perspective.
Do not get married yet. Do not put yourself in a situation that may dictate many painful years ahead just because you had "planned" to marry on a certain date.
I recommend that you tell your fiancé that you know he is under tremendous pressure to detox and clean up and the pending wedding date is only going to put more pressure on both of you. Tell him you want him to take the time he needs to find his sobriety and balance. Take the pressure off both of you.
You are on the edge of a precipice and it is almost impossible to "unring the bell" once you are married and really in the middle of living with an addict.
Married life is hard even in the best of times. Having a partner that is addicted means having a partner who much of the time will be self absorbed, immature, unemployed and unreliable for sure. Almost impossible to find happiness that I am sure you deserve in these circumstances.
Take the wedding date off the calendar for now. Don't let him talk you into going forward yet. Don't let anyone talk you in to going forward yet...trust your gut. Your heart will pull you in one direction...trust your gut.
You sound like a really smart young woman. Give both of you the time to see how his commitment to sobriety can plan out. Don't move forward until you KNOW 100% that it is right.
There are wonderful people on this site. They will give you tremendous support as we are living the pain every day and praying for the day our loved one finds the strength to find sobriety. We will support you whatever you decide.
Take care of yourself first.  
12148418 tn?1423749852
Ainsleyb.......Strongerone is right on with her reply.  He needs to focus on his recovery.  This is not anything YOU can change or help him with.  All you can do is support him in his sobriety.  Do not allow your feelings to cloud your judgement.  Please take care of yourself.  Educate yourself and connect with a Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group if you can.  Having support from people that can empathize with you is important for you.  

I am a mom of a 25 year old son who a heroin addict.  Remember...the battle is theirs to fight.  All we can do is support them in recovery.

Peace and blessings.  
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