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What do I do? Repost

*I'm sorry this is so long, I hope someone still reads it.

Hello, I am hoping to find some helpful insight here. I am nearly certain that my husband has become addicted to cocaine and my world has been turned upside down. I have been noticing behavior changes in him since about 3 months ago when he started a job at an music venue, where he has worked before and where the hours are typically long and late. He worked there when I met him and he did not handle that job this way before, however since he has returned to working there he has slowly become a different person.

Things I've noticed: staying out much later than he should or not coming home at all, picking fights with made up stories about me and then leaving for a couple days, stopping telling me what he's doing, decreased interest in his friends and family, hanging out with people from work who he has told me do coke and has even given me some information on how/when they do it, decreased appetite, he has lost over 20 lbs in 3 months, he has had a persistent cough and sniffly nose for over 2 months, has started carrying a lot of cash when he never used to, has stopped putting automatic deposits for bills into our joint account for the past two months and I've had to ask him to do it, he goes into the bathroom every 20-30 minutes whenever he's home, drinks like 3 glasses of water at a time, sweats when he sleeps, has been sleeping a ridiculous amount, keeps his phone on him at all times and is very secretive with it, is aggressive and irritable and distant with me, I could go on and on. I have started reading up on signs someone mentioned small mirrors- and I even found a small mirror that just appeared in the bathroom he uses to get ready (one of the ones that suctions to the vanity) last weekend and when I brought it up he told me he had already asked me where that came from.

This is nothing like the responsible, happy, outgoing, loving, family-oriented, do-anything-for-anybody man that I married only a year and a half ago and have made the center of my life for over 5 years. Besides picking fights with me, earlier this week he told me he's done with me, done trying to make everyone else happy, he's going to make himself happy and he likes to go out and party (he never liked going out much before) and if wants to go and be gone for 3 days he doesn't want me to get in the way of that. He said maybe he's more like his friends than anyone ever thought and maybe he hadn't been himself for the past 5 years but the married life is not what he wants now and he's not happy. I suggested counseling and he was adamant about not going, saying "Nobody is going to tell me what's going to make me happy." I have never seen that person before in my life. I have questioned whether he was having an affair or on drugs, etc. There is definitely something changing who he is as a person and I feel like I have so many signs pointing to drugs and it would make sense that it's cocaine since I know he is around it and he's told me that the guys from work have offered it to him and that some of his non-work friends have asked him if he's on it. The one time I confronted him specifically about it, he denied it.

My problem right now is that I have no idea what he's going to do, is he going to file for divorce? Is he going to just keep going farther and farther down this road and treating me like garbage so that I file for divorce? I have tried contacting his family since he left this week and I have not heard from him or seen him, however right after I tried to contact them he texted me and asked what I needed to talk to his parents about. His parents have not always treated me well, and clearly I cannot trust them to hear me out or consider anything that I have to say over what their son says.

At this point I am thinking about protecting myself, and I am trying to convince myself that I did everything I could to help him. If he didn't want me in his life anymore, I felt that still being his wife I owed it to him to let someone who could possibly help him know what I have seen. But I haven't even been able to accomplish that. I can't bear the thought of him high out of his mind somewhere, turning into a waste of the amazing person I fell in love with and have had at the very center of my life for 5 years. I have so much grief already and I don't even know how this is going to play out. I don't want everyone to think that I did nothing to stop him, that I let him get this way, and in a way I do feel partly guilty that I should have been able to stop him from becoming wrapped up in this. I approached him each time there was an incident that wasn't right, and tried to talk to him about it. I couldn't help the times he legitimately had to be at work and I was trying to be understanding about him being gone because this was supposed to be his big break, his big chance to finally have a job that he loves. It hurts so bad that I don't even know who he is anymore. I can't live like this any longer, although I am scared to do anything because I don't know how he will react. What do I do? He clearly wants to end the life he has with me do go do whatever it is he wants to do, and he won't change because of me.

If there is anyone out there who has been in my position or has some good advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you in advance.
6 Responses
1235186 tn?1549257619
COMMUNITY LEADER
hello and welcome. I am sorry that you are living with this turmoil, uncertainty, worry and fear. you are not alone. I have been there.
my husband is a recovering addict. he has been clean 3 1/2 years, he was clean for 11 years when we married and then he relapsed for many years.

everything you described is certainly addict behavior. it also sounds like coke or crack behavior.
you cant stop him, you cant control him. they become so irrational when they are in active addiction. it is the drugs talking.
I know how it changes everything about them, I had described my husband as a shell of the man I had married.

you are right, what you need to do is protect yourself, emotionally, mentally and financially. I would recommend you clearing out the joint account and putting the money in a new account under your name. especially if he hasn't put any money in there in a few months.
I also would not put up with his comings and goings for days at a time.
I would tell him that he should be accountable with his time to you that is what any married couple should expect.
I don't think I would let him back in the next time he leaves.  

he should be accountable also with his money and contributing to the household expenses.
I would try to have a rational talk with him. I know how hard it is because they  lash out, start fights and try to shift blame and take the focus off of them.
I had friends of ours come over when I confronted my husband so I would have someone there for me. do you have anyone in a neutral corner?

please check alanon or naranon, they are support groups for the loved ones of addicts, you will find others in your same situation.
we need help and healing.
try not to focus on him and his addiction. take care of you.
there is always hope,
keep the faith,
sending encouragement, support and prayers,
debbie
Avatar universal
So sorry you guys are going through this. There's probably nothing worse than watching someone you love make bad decisions and throw their life away. Have you thought about confronting him? I think you have a legitimate right to approach him from a position of hurt and neglect. He married you and promised to never leave you nor forsake you, promised to care for you and cherish you as his wife. He hasn't lived up to it. You don't have to wait and see what he will do.
Avatar universal
Thank you both for your replies. I have suspected something was not right since about June, and so many times I have point-blank asked him what was going on, that this was not like a married person and most importantly not like him. He either brought up some ridiculous thing that he was now mad again about something we dealt with together over a year ago, or he was completely quiet over and over again. I don't even know if I asked him again if he would tell me anything. The last time I asked him he said he had already told me how he felt about everything.
I have been staying at my parents house for the past 6 days after he left because I didn't feel safe in my house anymore, and I know he has been there (a light left on, etc) but pretty much everything in the house has been left like it was before. So he is just saying he's done and leaving his life there and not even contacting me at all? What does he think I am supposed to do here, wait around for him to come back? I have not heard from any of his friends or family either, which I know someone has to know something about what's going on, and they don't even think to include me.

I just have so many questions. How could our marriage come back from this? I'm so tired and frustrated with not knowing what's going on and trying to find out without any success. I love the man I married and I already feel so much grief for the relationship and the life we had. At this point though I don't know how much longer I can do this. I will also feel terrible however if he truly is on drugs and needed help at this time and I abandoned him. Then again he doesn't want me in his life anymore. I'm just swirling around in all these questions.
480448 tn?1426948538
Oh hon, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I think you're very observant and insightful, it most certainly sounds as though he has a drug problem (and a significant one at that).  The BR issue especially stands out.  The friends I've had with big addictions used to spend FOREVER in the BR, I never understood it until I became suspicious.

I know you feel torn, and obligated, but listen, YOU CANNOT help him, he HAS to help himself and clearly he is nowhere NEAR ready to even confront what's going on.  I would recommend contacting him (letter maybe?  Text?) and just tell him that you love him and when he's ready to have a SERIOUS and honest conversation about what's going on, you'll be ready to listen and support him.  Until that happens, you want nothing to do with him, he certainly isn't welcome in your home.  There have to be consequences.  NO way should he be allowed to come and go in the house, especially if you're not there.  If he DOES have a coke/crack/meth habit, he will start selling off any and all valuables.  You need to somehow secure those things, and make bottom lines that involve him not coming into the house unless you're there and unless he contacts you first.  HE is the one who left after all.  I would pack up all of his belongings and send them to his parents.  Document when he left and how long he's been gone.  This way, if there is a legal issue, you can show that he's left the house and is no longer contributing to the household.  I would strongly encourage you to move back in the house (is there someone who can stay with you for a while?) and stand your ground.  I would even maybe consider filing for a legal separation.  Let him know you mean business and will NOT tolerate his unacceptable behavior and him treating you like a mere acquaintance.  He's treating you like crap.

If indeed your husband is abusing drugs, he's ill.  You're right in that this isn't your husband.  The drugs will rule his life and drive all of his actions.  That doesn't mean though that he isn't accountable for his behavior.  He's ill, but knows what he's doing.  Others need to make him accountable, by setting limits and sticking to them at all costs.  It would be great if you could get his other loved ones involved in setting bottom lines, but it sounds like that's not going to happen.  If his family isn't receptive to a conversation, then leave that alone.  

Also, PLEASE get yourself some help, therapy AND alanon or naranon would be a great start.  You need to seek some help to sort through these emotions, it's very much a grief process...you're grieving the person you knew.

Stand up for yourself, protect yourself, your home, your money, and your belongings from him.  Pray that he hits bottom and decides he wants help.  Like said above, there's always hope, but until he's ready, there's nothing you can say or do to make him want to get help.  Heck, to even admit he has a problem.  You need to take care of YOU.  You don't deserve this.  Addicts are GREAT manipulators.  He will make you think this is ALL your fault somehow.  Don't buy into it.

Listen to that inner voice, it's right.  I wish you the best.  Please keep us updated okay.  We'll be here to help and support you.  Prayers coming your way.
Avatar universal
Thanks for your comments. I have since consulted with a lawyer and taken some steps to protect my/our finances, our home, and our belongings. I still have not heard from him and as I went to our house today it didn't appear that he had been there since this past weekend. I'm not sure what my next move is yet but at least now I feel a little more protected.

Thanks for the suggestions for support groups, I will definitely need some help as far as healing goes. I miss my husband so much and I am so hurt by whoever he has become, it is beyond words right now. But I can't let him drag me down with him as much as it hurts me to say.
Avatar universal
I'm sorry you're hurting. I'll say a prayer for you today friend. Hang in there!
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