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3065255 tn?1345762771

divorcing

So I filed for divorce after explaining the situation to my wife. I told her that I will become easier to live with if I am not attached to her financially, with a metaphoric gun to my head to pay her bills. She agreed, said she trusted my judgment. It was like taking candy from a baby.

Right away, before I'd change my mind, I went to a lawyer and filed for divorce. When I told my wife she was so saddened, like she didn't believe I would follow through with it. She took our wedding photos from the wall and a love poem we had framed. I told her we are not separating, only going through the legality of it.

Her sadness worries me so, now I'm working the nightshift.

I wanted the divorce for so long, was angry at her for what she was destroying, now I feel immense loss and loneliness. I'm scared that I gave away something that was mine. If I'm not married, I don't know who I am.

Here we go again. I'm so worried about her feelings, feel guilty about what "I did to her," and she is sorry for herself and could give a **** about how I feel and why I am divorcing her. She didn't even pry that much why I was doing it.

Why do I feel such immense loss, when I'm so used to dealing with this behavior?
15 Responses
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Why does it matter what she thinks right now?  What about what you think right now?  What does Diva want?  What does Diva need to do to take care of herself?  I have a feeling your wife doesnt really believe you will divorce her.  I am not talking about what your wife wants, i am talking about you.
2083449 tn?1381354708
I couldn't be sorrier! I don't know enough about your story, but divorce is sad no matter what! Take care!
3065255 tn?1345762771
Thank you
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am sorry it has come to this point but i really believe you were cheating yourself out of a life that is out there for you to be part of.  The feelings you are feeling are very normal.  The fear of the unknown is always the scariest part.  Many times we have to step out of our comfort zone to see the real picture.  Staying in the same rut doesnt produce too many positive things.  Now it is time for you to go with a spirit that fears nothing.  Let yourself feel these emotions, dont bottle them up and whatever you do stay away from alcohol as that will do nothing but bring you down.  What she does with all of this is not for you to take on.  She is a grown woman and has to find her own path.  It is all about choices.  Speaking from a recovering addict the end is only the beginning.  Embrace yourself and life Diva~~
3060903 tn?1398565123
“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free


Be kind to yourself.


Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
― Maya Angelou

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

“Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don't make it wait any longer.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Be the best you , you can be.
]
3065255 tn?1345762771
This morning when I came back from work and she was leaving for work, I texted her “I’ll stop the process at any stage and I don’t care how much money I lose if you start therapy for depression. I love only you.” She didn’t reply, as usual, but she made sure I saw her crying.

Why is she so weak and pathetic?  

What really pisses me off more than anything, is that she claims she loves me, but she doesn’t ever fight for me! She accepts my decision. I would have fought for what I wanted!
3065255 tn?1345762771
Thank you for the words of wisdom, friend.
1700643 tn?1464846682
If u wanna know why she doesnt fight for u ASK HER!!!!
3065255 tn?1345762771
Because I know the reason. She has low self esteem and untreated depression. If she loses something she figures out she doesn't deserve it. This is the story of her life. She is great and fun when things go her way, but when she loses something, like her Hollywood career, like her wife, she figures out there NOTHING she can do about it. Instead of fighting the system for what's hers, like I would have to keep what's mine, she gives up. I'm the one who saves us. She is the one who goes for the feel-good-now fix.

Thanks for asking, overop.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Dear Diva, you have given your wife a loving intervention, you have given her a choice to make, fight for your relationship by seeing a counselor.  Personally, I would have suggested a marriage counselor first, in order that you could be there to talk about how her depression has been affecting you.   For some reason she shorts out when it comes to cause and effect.  Maybe in a formal arena, with your support (by going with her) she might be able to better accept that there are two people in this relationship.  Please vent on here, and know that your friends here understand just how hard this has been on you. If, by chance, she is able to talk to a marriage counselor,  it would serve you better to hold your anger in check. As I said, I UNDERSTAND why you are so angry, but if you want this woman to get into counselling and see the light, you need to save your anger for your friends. You have done a wonderful job choosing NOT to enable your wife. If you want the result to be your wife having some understanding about how her untreated depression truly affects you, you must be kind and gentle and coax her to see a therapist that you can both attend (in my opinion). There's nothing wrong with your being angry, but you have stated many times that your wife is functioning at a child's age, and if you really want her to see the light, you must not scare her off, before you begin.  Yeah yeah, i know, i'm still pushing for a marriage counselor. But, only so that YOU can feel, that you handled yourself with courage and love, and without malice. Do you know what I'm trying to say? I understand that your intention is strictly at this point to separate your finances, if you are planning on staying together, you need a full relationship with this woman, and I don't think that this is possible without marriage counseling first. I can imagine, without current treatment for depression, you wife must be so scared about how her life has spiraled out of control. It is obviously incredibly painful for her to look and see how her depression has run rampant through your lives. She knows that you have stood up for yourself, and said "No". Maybe, before she can break down and fall apart, she needs to know how much you love her,, as you said , you said that you would stop the divorce, with just one word. Maybe by showing her that you are in control (not angry but in control) and caring about your relationship enough to go to a marriage counselor (lovingly) you can help her to make the move to a depression less frightening for her. Are you able to keep your anger in check, and try to coax and coerce her into treatment? Like you would your child? like you would your sister?  like you would an addict? This is only one woman's opinion. And believe me, I certainly do understand completely Dominosarah's view on this subject. There have been years and years for this woman to pay it forward, Why now would anything change? Hasn't there been enough time wasted on someone who appears to care for no one but herself? But, you began your journey, by looking at your wife as having a addiction, and addicts need to be shown a loving intervention , with all of the boxes ticked off, before you give up on them. One thing that DominoSarah, and I are in perfect unison about though, is this is about YOU. I want YOU to show your anger here, and then finish this relationship after having checked off all of the boxes. I pray that this night finds you strong, and understanding that your wife is incapable at this time to show you her true feelings, it doesn't mean their not there, it just means that she hasn't found the safe place to open up about them. You could continue to try to help her find that place, as a final last resort, and if you do, you must hold your anger in check. God Bless you Diva and  God Bless your loved one who feels they are in a hole and cannot get out. Divorcing her is not going to change that - since you have no intention of leaving when you are divorced, I honestly think you should now consider marriage counseling. She will say no, if she sees that you are angry, why would she commit to sessions where you would be angry? That's not going to happen. You said "Why won't she fight for this relationship?" In my opinion only, I say to you, "If you want the result to be a loving relationship, why would YOU stop short of introducing to a depressed loved one who is currently untreated, a loving intervention with a marriage counselor?" Why would you stop short?
3065255 tn?1345762771
Sarah, what diva wants is sex on the beach, dancing, laughing till she cries, cooking for her friends, mixing their cocktails, life of no worry. Diva is creative and happy, despite it all, and has capacity for great love. Diva is going for it now.

Dear nighthawk. Re:counseling. It has to come from my wife, or she won’t keep an appointment. She’ll find a reason not to keep it. Like a child, if I make the appointment she will defy me and get sick or be too tired, or say that this is my problem and I should see a therapist, because I’m the one who has a problem. I’d heard it so many times.

In the past, when I would lose my temper on her because she was letting me struggle alone while talking about traveling, I acted like the crazy one. I used to lose my temper, screaming like a banshee. She just got depressed and played dead on me.

You see, now I’m in control. I am in treatment again and she refuses to go with me because I can only go early in the morning, or it’ll be some other reason. I don’t even bring it up anymore. It will be like talking to the walls.

I used to talk to walls. Some nights during our 24 years together, I was trying to explain things to her and it felt like talking to walls. Once she got me where she wanted me, angry and awake, she would go to sleep!! I would scream at her pretend sleeping body in the bed, asking her to get up and finish the conversation, begging, crying, until I felt like my trachea was closing and I couldn’t breathe. She would say stuff like, “you are so dramatic,” and go back to pretending sleep.

She was satisfied with my anger! She would turn around, showing me her sleeping back and ignore me. I begged her to get up and talk to me, and she wouldn’t respond. I thought, if It was possible to die from the pain, she would wake up in the morning and, totally happy and relaxed, step over my dead body, get dressed and go to work, feeling like she had done her job and made my life miserable.

Her cruelty knew no bounds. I tried to leave a few times, stay with friends for a few days. She pretended she didn’t notice or cared about my absence.



You see, I’d let it go on for years, but that was long ago. Now I’m 73 days clean, there’s no screaming. Only smiles from me and loving behavior, and cooking for her and more smiling and a relaxed diva. It drives her so nuts she tries to create drama and get to me by bringing up my worst fear. Guns.

She wants to buy a gun, just because she know how scary it is to me.

I don’t want to talk about therapy with her anymore. Let her go and find her way because I’m 55 now and still young enough to have a good life with someone else or by myself.

I want surgical separation starting with the finances.

I can waste more time trying to convince this stubborn woman to take care of herself, and in the meantime, the spending go on. Her singer keeps having performances and her credit card bills are inflating from 40 thou, to 50 and soon, a 100 thou.  Which will end up being my responsibility if I am married to her. It isn’t primarily about money, but I refuse to be old and homeless and I don’t have 40 more years to work hard and wait for her.

I play it cool while the lawyer is working for me. I take care of her and love her, but under my terms. Now I get a “thank you,” because she doesn’t take me for granted anymore. I keep my promises and file for divorce when I say I will. No more out-of-control screaming banshee.

This fun loving diva has turned into a calculating machine. ONLY what’s good for me and in my good old timing. I know who I am now and she is now afraid of me and treats me with respect. I see how her attitude has changed ever since she doesn’t get to me anymore. If she wants to go towards the light and join me, great. If she chooses the darkness, she will find herself alone. What’s love got to do with it?

I can’t watch the love of my life digging her own grave anymore. I am choking on the dust she is making.
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
What Diva wants Diva can achieve but always remember reality will kick in.  Life isnt always fair, has its ups and downs, its just how we react to the situation is what is important.  I know you know this but i have to throw it in!!

When are you 2 going to go your seperate ways or are you still waiting to see what she does?
3065255 tn?1345762771
I know about reality. I've lived nothing but harsh reality. I just answered your question, "What do you want?"

Yes, I'm waiting to see what she will do. I don't love anyone but my wife. If she starts fighting for me and for herself and if I see that she is sincere, I will not separate, but the divorce is a done deal. No way back.

I don't want to be married to ANYONE. I think marriage is wrong for gays, straights. Marriage is the end of sex, love and Rock'n Roll. People should enter into legal contracts that have to be renewed every five years, if both parties feel the same.

Equality is good, but marriage is a prison, if one party feels like they've been used. Most of us nurses take care of people, and when we marry we get screwed.
3060903 tn?1398565123
My prayers are with you through this difficult time. I sincerely hope that you get what you deserve. You're right, you don't have any more time to waste on someone who refuses to gain insight. God Bless You.
3065255 tn?1345762771
thank you
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