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Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
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Avatar universal

is this the end?

i have been dealing with my 27 year olds heroin addiction for two years.i dont have to explain the horror ,guilt and pain, you all know it well.she was clean and on suboxone for almost a year, on her own and apparently doing well.no longer so,she came home for the holiday and hell came with her all the stealing,lying and a horrible skin infection to boot.she made the choice to go to rehab--her third time-- and is waiting for a bed.the hell of it is we found that she is still using. she says she does not want to get sick!
i almost died myself from becoming so sick doing everything i could think of two years ago. i have nothing left  she has done it all.jail, rehab sober living to no avail.
she is supposed to leave tomorrow for rehab but i can not even speak to her.what kind of mother does this???she is from out of state so there are all those issues-rent to be paid etc.
is it wrong to feels so done? i have done all theright things with an open loving heart.there is nothing left. she is a beautiful educated girl and in my heart i know i have aiready lost her.
12 Responses
1530493 tn?1410056636
Hi mom
your post could have been written by me years ago.  

"What kind of mom does that" I was that mom too, it breaks my heart to read those words.  
The kind of mom that does that, is a very loving giving, caring mom. Only that type of mom will find themselves asking that question.  
You gave your all, nearly your life . ..what more is left to give ?  
Our final emotion when dealing with our addicted child is numb, we feel no more, we have nothing more to give, we feel they're gone.
We surrender, we learn it doesn't matter what we do we cant fix them.
It's so very hard to understand when you stand where you do today with unbearable pain, a year from now when you look back at today you'll see it clearly.
Your Surrendering...it's not giving up on your daughter. ..it's about "letting" Your daughter find herself,  something you can not do for her.
I called it " separating for love "  doesn't seem as harsh.
I had no choice left, but to let my son go.  
I wasnt helping him. .. I was hurting him
We did it all juse like you...everything,  rehab, jail,  oh the list so long, the ONLY thing I didn't try was stepping back, letting his addiction be his addiction alone.   I was so focused on fixing him backing away never came to my mind.
he had many clean times. ..many relapses.  
One thing ...as I look back now each relapse, brought about a longer clean time.  He made it a year same as your daughter,  I thought wow...did we finally do it ?
It wasn't the case...he relapsed, my high....crashed.
I was empty completely drained, I couldnt fight his fight any longer, just where you are
I couldn't talk to him,  I couldn't look at him,  I couldn't think of him, my mind went blank. ..my body numb.
finally "I" was protected.
The one thing I didn't even consider through out his years of heroin was backing away,  that thought was more painful than all the years combined,  as I thought I was letting him go to die.
unknowingly, letting him go seemed to be the answer I so desperately searched for
we separated for love. ..he alone then owned his addiction, he had enough clean times and relapses behind him to know where he wanted to take his life.  He didn't want to live his addiction alone.  

That will be 4 years ago this coming sept, his longest clean time yet...this time he did it for him
he had undieing love and support all around him...he finally figured out it could only be in his life if he was willing to fight for his life.
while everything feels so out of Wack negative right now, for you both, it appears to be a process that needs to happen for recovery.
while her heart may want sobriety, her mind & body hasn't learned how yet.
What works for one does not work for all,  but she will need some kind of therapy, counseling, meetings.....support, to learn how to live with out heroin.
hang in there mom...I know how broken you are
I'm glad you posted, you need support too
Avatar universal
thanks you so much deb.
i feel that you truly understand and i feel your pain articulated in your advice.
she is still in our home and i, too, can not look or speak  thank you for not telling me im a rotten mother. it means the world to me when the only life i have known is slipping away.
1395289 tn?1452541827
It is good that you have done this after 2 years.  It may have saved your daughters life.  You are a good mom.  Believe me.  I have been going through this for 7 years.  Same as you i stood by her through rehabs, jail, and this week she leaves for prison.  I educated myself and was able to kick her out, not give her money ect.... as soon as she said she would get help i was there for her.  This has almost destroyed me.  I wish i had taken the stand you have a long time ago.  I gave up my life and living to be there for her.  I look back and dont think the outcome would have been any different if i had taken better care of me except that i would still feel alive inside.  This disease can make us as moms very sick.  The longer you try and protect them from themselves the sicker you would become.  Your daughter has a much better chance of getting well and when she does there will still be a you.  Take care of you.... You deserve it....
1530493 tn?1410056636
You are FAR from a rotten mom, you wouldn't be here if you were.
I don't believe this is the end. ..I believe it's the start of a new beginning, for both of you.
They need to go very low, before they can start to climb out.
we go with them,  when we can bring ourselves out of that pit...we can offer them our hand in a different way ;)
you don't need advice, you've been through it all. ..what you need is reassurance and friends that understand.
You will find us here...moms to moms that feel your pain in an identical manner.
As cherilearn says. ..by stepping back,  letting her be in charge of her life. ..you just may be saving it.
the more we help. ..the more we do to try to fix them,  the deeper we lead them.
we are their triggers we are their comfort zone.
our adult ..children addicts don't want this life. ..they know they have love and support. ..when we can flip that support in a constructive way. For them and not against them,  half the battle is won.
You have MANY MANY years of bottled up pain, fear, stress , guilt every emotion in you right now.
write / talk it out...to us, or others who know the life.
it's an amazing healing tool for you.
When you can start to heal...your daughter WILL take notice.
I guess I kind of compared it to an out of control 2 year old with my son.
if at 2 he threw a temper tantrum, and I tried to smooth it over,  ignore it or give in just to get peace from him...his behavior wouldn't change . It would only reenforce it's ok.  Well it's not...if we can stand our ground be strong deal with a bit of uncomfortable behavior  from them ...eventually they get it...THEY give in.
I think you know where I'm going with this :)
Your on an emotional rollcoaster...very hard to think clear.
just know we're here for you and stand as strong and tall as you can.
It's baby steps for us too...each day alittle less painful than the day before
Avatar universal
your words are such a comfort. i am trying to deal with an anger i have never felt before. thank you for listening. i guess her life is her choice.please pray for us.
Avatar universal
deb,
your words are the first i have heard this morning. thank you for thinking of me.please pray for us i have forgotten the words you are right-- i need you and others who know. sometimes i feel that keeping up the facade is one of the most draining aspects.please dont forget about me.
1530493 tn?1410056636
I won't forget about you. ..I promise.

Your stronger than you know, but right now you need someone else to hold that burden ...so you can rest.
your no longer alone.
When your ready to let go...get it all out...start writing,  I'll be waiting to read.
by doing that you'll find in you. ..your own answers, your own release.
it has to come from and out of you too
babysteps, your heading in the right direction by posting your post.
we all need someone in our darkest times, your taking that first step.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm so glad you found the forum, and especially Deb179. There would be no other mother that could help me more if i was in your situation. Alas, i am not. Instead i am the addict instead in this scenario. All i can tell you is that your daughters previous tries at sober living and rehab have not been wasted on her. All i can say is this. There is immense power in the drugs that she is addicted to. and it takes more than one "try" to get away from that kind of draw. I don't like to |"romanticize" the high, but i can tell you that the draw is otherworldly... it takes a lot to get to the other side. The addict wants to quit for real, and they feel terrible that they are seemingly unable. It is like being in a cult , and when an addict steps away and shows any kind of sign that they want to make a change , it has taken a huge effort. It is  best that when addicts are at this point that they are directed to other clean and sober addicts, who have been where they are. and here at Medhelp, there are many of us, that stick around here to talk to other addicts in the earliest times of their fluctuating sobriety and relapse.

I think as a women, a mother, and a person that has also been to rehabs and jail and hospital , i might be able to help your daughter. Just as Deb179 can relate to your journey, i can relate to your daughters. So, if you can find it in your heart, please let her know that there's an addict on Medhelp that really wants to connect with her and talk about the realities of addiction, and how it takes more than one rehab for heavy addicts, to get to the point of quitting . I can swear to her that i will not talk to you or her family about anything she says to me. It can be private, and just the two of us. It's time for your daughter to get out know, get our early, (i know you think it's late, but for us addicts, we know it's early, it's your daughter raising her bottom and getting out early at 28 years of age). Your daughter if she gets out now, can have a full life. If she leave it any later, that might not be possible. Maybe i can help with that. I think i can. Please let her know i would like to talk to her privately. She can message me privately by going to my profile page, and send me a Message.

i'm praying for you all. Liz

3060903 tn?1398565123
typo "get out now, get our early"
I do understand how you feel, you've said in your heart you feel that you have already lost her, but your daughter needs to feel from another mother that she is not lost...that she is at the beginning , not the end...

Right now that is what you are projecting, and i think i can help to diffuse that and help her rise above the carnage that is left in the wake of H. I 'm so sorry that you feel what you do , and i know that you can get help to feel better for yourself, through alanon naranon and posting your feelings here. I pray that you find your way back to each other, by both of you talking to the people that you should. God Speed Mom. Liz

1530493 tn?1410056636
So after reading lizs post..I want to tell you mom, your in amazing hands.
it is SO IMPORTANT to understand addiction from your daughters side too.
we as mom's tend to believe. ..if they truly loved us,  seeing all the destruction they cause, the pain they bring...they would just quit...truth is...they can't, "just quit"
Having someone in your life like liz can guide you in ways that you don't understand.
when my son & I were at our worst, I deeply connected with 2 people here. Another mom who was fighting the same fight as I.  I couldn't be tough alone, neither could she. ..together we could.   Our kids both got clean a month apart,  both from iv heroin.
But my saving grace was an active user.  I was taught (as liz can't do for you / your daughter) everything I didn't know about addiction.  I was told on day one here, it was his ride.  It took hundreds of messages and 1000s of hours in phone calls to finally get it
it's impossible to just break free from our children, but when we know in our heart it to save their life...it makes that job easier.
what liz is offering to you and your daughter is gold. ..experience from all sides,  is the best teacher.
I've never used,  so I don't get that side. ..lizs description helps us shed some light on the hold, that we as non users will never understand.
We're here for you. ..
I don't say this lightly, but I truly feel your daughter...this is her beginning.
Stay strong mom....every feeling your feeling IS valid.
she's heading to rehab, while this might not be " the one" let's hope it is...she's one step closer.

To you liz...thank you for your kind words. ..I've missed you xo :)
3060903 tn?1398565123
Love to you always too my friend. xox
16776862 tn?1452777676
My husband just got out of rehab for an opiate addiction. Withdrawals are hell. The last year, he was using only to keep the withdrawal symptoms at bay, trying hard to quit on his own. After attempting suicide around Thanksgiving by overdose and it not working, he finally realized he couldnt quit on his own and found a rehab center. I didnt know about the suicide attempt or even how serious his addiction was until December 15th. He was in rehab from Dec 29 - Jan 11th. I dont have a lot ove experience to draw from but am really encouraged and feel supported and no longer alone. The rehab center offers family skill building workshops, family share meetings, and ive been attending my local alanon meeting (like AA but for families of addicts). All of these have allowed me to connect with others in similar situations and with more experience. Ive also gotten some great resources to read and help me understand addiction and recovery.

You're in my thoughts. I hope you find support, strength, and peace of mind.
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