\welcome to Living with an Addict Communiy :)
Are you living with your bf? You said that you lived separately, then didn't and i wonder how that happened exactly. Did you give up your home to live with him? You then mentioned being at "his" flat? So i'm a little confused about the living arrangements.
Also, I'm wondering about you. and how you're life is going. You mentioned depression and anxiety earlier, and i'm wondering how you are being helped with your own situation? Are you on medication and/or do you have a therapist.? Would you consider your illness to be managed well?
How is your career life? Are you working or going to school? Are you happy with your own career aspirations? Is the bf working or going to school and is he happy with his career?
The reason i'm asking about you is because it's vitally important that you are looking after you. I was concerned when i read "I love him more than life itself". Loving someone in a healthy manner happens when you have your own life put together. Otherwise, co dependence happens. And that's a really unhealthy place to be for both you and your bf.
No apologies accepted friend. Anything you have the decency to write is well received. and appreciated , i assure you.
I appreciate that you have bonded with this man's soul and he with you. We can love all people dearly, but it doesn't have to mean that they are our best match. You've come a long way yourself, and you need to hold very tightly to the progress that you've made. Congratulations on your 3 months in at your job. That's the first milestone and therefore the most important one. In many union jobs they won't allow you in, until you've made 3 months in, if i'm not mistaken, so that milestone is a BIG ONE.
i'm glad to hear that your meds have been maximized and you're feeling good these days.
One thing about addiction, is that there is only a very particular type of person that is effective in aiding an addict. I know that you will be able to understand this. As you said, you're depression was not managed, and your bf allowed you to stay in this unhealthy mindset. This is critical. It is what the definition of a co dependent relationship. (You've probably come across this definition before) Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.
He was not good for you, he was unable to push you to regain yourself and you wasted a years being reclusive in your home. The reason i'm bringing this up is because i want you to see that in addition to his not being able to help you in that year he may also not be able to support you other critical normal ways a spouse would. ie. progressing in your job, suggesting and supporting you to go to night school to stay progressive and competitive in your job market. ie. support/push you into doing the things that it is suggested that depressive's do. ie. the YWCA pool , the gym, a bike ride, walk in the park, a picnic, museum, library excursion, community involvement, music festivals, book clubs, knitting circles, learning how to crochet, etc. Someone that suffers from depression, NEEDS TO HAVE A CERTAIN TYPE OF PERSON IN THEIR LIVES. TO HELP THEM FURTHER THEMSELVES. You are a young lady that needs a partner to help them get used to doing the healthy things in life, and by doing so, preparing you to continue to be a contributing and happy member of society.
The reality is that both of you , because you have issues, need a certain strong influence in your lives, to be the healthiest and happiest you can be. It might be that you are able to get into doing the things that people do in their lives and in their community to prepare effectively to be a parent. but that he may never do what he needs to do to be a parent.
Should you both do without having those ties in your lives? Of developing that type of life? I don't think so.
I only want you to understand, that one person that has a weakness coupled with another person who is not weak, is unlikely to become co dependent. A fully healthy mate for you would be able to catch you immediately and set you on a path of returned health.
Another example. My current husband was separated when we met. He and i are both addicts, Now his ex, dropped him off at police stations when he relapsed. While i had to go through the steps of having him committed to a psychiatric ward, and then insisted upon a 90 day residential rehab. I had to be tough and stick to my guns, regardless of being lonely when he was gone, or thinking that he would be missing out on making as much money, or what have you. Since he went through the 90 day Relapse Prevention program, he's been consistently clean and sober. He was married for 12 years, and usually relapsed monthly, i think once he had close to a year. My point is, that he and his wife got married because they loved each other, but he and i are together after 17 years because not only do we love each other (yes it will happen again that you would walk on glass, or fire for your loved one). but , MOST IMPORTANTLY, WE ARE TRULY GOOD FOR EACH OTHER.
I think what you need to do right now, is to continue progressing in your life. The most you can do for him, is to be a good example. You are thriving, with your independence and your job. now, instead of focusing on his problems, that as you say, you can't do anything about, focus instead on providing him with a healthy example of a person getting ahead.
Go out and join a YWCA pool and meet up with a healthy female that maybe is a young mother. Immerse yourself with folks that have healthy home lives. Become friends with healthy folks in your community by saving up your money and maybe taking an evening course to upgrade your computer skills. Do these things for you, stand back and let him know that you've made friends with a heroin addict and her husband , also an addict, that have 17 years sobriety and know the steps that it takes to stay clean and sober. Let him know about medhelp (if you're comfortable in case he reads your post) tell him it's a great forum for addicts to get sober (the addictions communities). LIVE , REALLY LIVE YOUR LIFE. MEET NEW PEOPLE AND MAKE GOOD FRIENDS,
It will become clear to you, in time, if you ,and he are a healthy match, From now until then, what great friendships can you make? how can you become involved in your community? how can you be working towards your next move up the ladder at work.?
He seems to be in a "holding pattern" not going anywhere yet. just hovering. Don't let that influence you. You keep pushing to get that feeling that you've gotten by fighting for your health and a job and independence. Let your momentum carry you all the way, to friendships in a healthy faction of the community, so that you're prepared to one day fulfill some of your dreams of maybe having a family.
Do you see what i'm saying?
Are you living together now?
You cold use a therapist to talk to about your fear of his taking his life. You cannot make a good and decent healthy choice in a partner for yourself , while in the same breath saying that you're afraid that if you're not there the other person will take their life. In order to be true to yourself, you have to know that the person you commit to spending your life with is the best man for the job, the guy that will push you to be your best, and want you to succeed in the community and at work, that pushes you to have close friendships in the community.
And please, keep it in mind, if a person is going to take their life, or fail, they will do so whether you give them your all, or not.
The best you can do for this loved one, is to be the best you , you can be. and that means you getting the best support structure for yourself you can get., by taking time to yourself to make other solid friendships and mentors.
Give some thought to discussing this with a therapist (maybe at the shelter they will have time to talk to you) I think you need that kind of support. Otherwise i'm always here for you dear child. Keep your chin up.