Welcome to the Living With An Addict Community AnnaKaralin and thank you for posting your story here. I'd like to qualify firstly by saying that I am in recovery from Cocaine/Heroin/Alcoholic for 16 now, as well as my husband, so i am offering support from the perspective of both addict and a loved one of an addict.
First of all, I think there are inherent risks associated with becoming committed to a partner without the benefit of getting to know them by spending time with them., so moving forward I think you need to rethink how committed you become prior to you knowing the person. Being good looking, fit, and super rich, although it might be nice to look at, says nothing of the more important aspects of human character, so also , you can now move forward basing your opinion of a person more to do with their personality, and not their outward appearances.
You've mentioned a few traits that you found he had upon getting to know him.
1. Overly possessive.
2. Isolating you from others.
3. Constricting your freedom.
You say that you did as he asked, "because you "loved him", however, so far in your relationship you've given no data as to why you would at this point "you would "love him". You've only at this point mentioned that he is good looking and rich. These are not qualities that ilicit "love". Being kind, humble, thoughtful, sweet in nature are qualities that are worthy of :feelings of "love". so for your own good, i think you should rework your expectations of how a partner "acts" that would deserve your love.
Your x faince putting your name in a tattoo on his arm, as he's done with the new girl in his life, take a bit of money and is only being used by him as a way to manipulate the women in his life.
My husband actually suffered what they call a "dual diagnosis" . He had used drugs again, and also had episodes of Paranoid Schitzophrenia a result of drug use. When my husband relapsed, after about a week, I had to hustle to have him committed into a Psychiatric Ward for about 3 weeks , prior to him being admitted into a 90 day Relapse Prevention Rehabilitation Program (Rehab). All this for about 7 days of RELAPSE.
Addiction is said to be a "Family Disease" in an addicts using affects the Addict,'s Family, however that's not where it ends, for the Family ALSO affects the Addict. A Family that ENABLES ADDICTION happens in almost all cases, sometimes for years before the family become educated, or care enough to help the Addict make the right choices.
In your case, the fact that you and your family are more interested in the marriage happening, without even considering treatment for this man's sickness, says that you are not equipped to deal with an Addict in the Family. There is ALOT of work that goes into helping an Addict RECOVER and the first thing that a family can do is to talk openly with other loved ones of addicts. There are Family Support Groups called Alanon, and NarcAnon that help the loved ones of addicts "DO RIGHT" by their addicted family members (online or in meetings near you). The loved ones can NOT ENABLE the behavior of an addicted person.. Instead , they must learn to only support RECOVERY of the Addict. And many if not all times, this must begin in turning your back away from a using addict, while at the same time suggesting the proven ways that an addict can get help.
1. Addiction Therapist.Intervention and Arrangements for Rehab.
3. Rehab., Drug Testing.
4. Aftercare (meetings). Continued Drug Testing.
5. Marriage Counseling. Individual Counseling.
6. Waiting to have kids until Addiction is under control.
7. Sometimes a change in Employment.
8. Addict not having money on their person for a long period of time.
9. Addict not going into social situations that include drugs or alcohol.
10. A change in the home (no alcohol/drugs).
11. An increase in Exercise and Nutrition plans.
12. Spiritual Guidance.
My husband became a Paranoid Schitzophrenic because he was unable to sleep while using. He was place on SEROQUEL so he could sleep during his 3 week stay in a hospital., and since has had no more incidents of Paranoid Schitzophrenia.
My husband was married to a woman who first enabled him to use, and had no real interest in helping him overcome his addictions.
My family enabled my addictions, and then threw me away when i was not able to "get well" on my own.
The family of Addicts are instrumental in helping an addict, by supporting their RECOVERY and the only way that the family of Addicts CAN help is if they FIND OUT HOW.
RED FLAG MOMENTS.
1. When a person accuses you of "cheating" and you are not, it usually means that they are in fact, cheating on you themselves.
2. When a person get's mad at you, for getting mad at them for not coming home for an entire weekend, it is ABUSIVE.
3. Self harm pictures.
In my opinion, this man is staying "sick" because he is able to pay his way out of his bad behavior.
Until someone that he cares about set's up an INTERVENTION (just like the tv show). and gives him no other escape avenue (like impressing people with his money) HE WILL STAY SICK.
Such a shame, because once he's wanting to stay clean and sober, he WILL NEVER BE TRULY HAPPY.
Certainly not a man that should be married and raise a family. It doesn't matter how much money kids have, if there is no real love , they will be unhappy and will probably follow in the steps of their abusive addicted parent (s).
You dodged a bullet, and you need to learn from this so that you never get sucked into this type of relationship again. There are tried and true ways of dealing with an addict, but it is a hard life for all and it takes a huge amount of dedication and education to get to the point of an addict to get into long term recovery.
I hope Ive helped . I'm always here to talk.
You've asked if this is a bad man, or is it just the drugs that have caused him to be abusive,
My answer is until he get's to the point of wanting help,and finding long term sobriety for himself, you'll just never know. Every addict deserves to find recovery. There are support systems that work for both the addict and the loved ones of addicts. The loved ones of Addicts often help to keep the addict sick. The loved ones of addicts, need to educate themselves just as much as the addict.
Nghthawk...GREAT POST !!!!
thank u soo much for such an elaborate reply ,it makes me happy to see people like you exist who want to help others out and i pray and hope u and ur husband recover asap and have a beautiful life ahead .. u said y i loved him ,it was never the money ,when i figured he is into drugs i insisted we change our country and start from fresh even it meant me working and him sitting home ..it was for the love i had for him and there was this other side of him where he would be so loving ,he would do crazy things for me he did everything to extremes and not just for me he started doing things for my family and relatives ,he seemed like a caring polite man ,very charming with his words ..we dint know the other side was so bad then ,i took him back even after several accusations he had on me ,despite of the fact i come from a 'Conservative Muslim family " where girls aren't allowed to date etc my parents were very strict ,he still ended up calling my mother a pimp and me a ***** ,who gets tortured by men ,he dint accuse me of being with one man he accused of being with several men and not just normal affair ,he said they tortured me and he would zoom my pictures all day to find a scar or mark which dint exist and say thats the torture they did on u ..2ndly u said he needs help we were ready for help ,his own family is very selfish when i spoke to them they said we tried enough he doesn't want to and i know they dint try hard .. they said he is a 37 year old man who knows what he is doing .. and he had 3 divorces in the past and 2 failed engagements and unnumbered relationships .. i know i dont deserve him but how he scared me ,i cant sleep at night or smile or even go to work ..i have anger lots of anger inisde me ,that i did every thing fo him and how he abused me everyday after the accusations 4 months non stop abuse and mental torture ,dint he for once think she doesn't abuse back ? she never snaps at me ? i sometimes sit and think mayb i should have gone to him explained myself again and mayb things would change but then i think of how he accused me everywhere dint keep my respect anywhere ,and how is proud of the power he has ,money he has and called me poor and beggar ugly and fat ... i just think wat if i tried again to fix things would things change or end for worse ..
and i would like to add , he was extremely sweet to me ,even though we barely spent time together it was 4 times in 3 years we traveled to each other for two weeks time ..rest the relationship was on phone face time ,,the time i spent with him would be like a fairy tale ,he would feed me ,shop for me ,cuddle all the time ,love me all the time,take care of mom and sisters he seemed like the most perfect man that could have ever existed .. each time we separated went back to our countries things would mess up ..its like i couldn't predict what my day would be like one day would be beautiful 2nd day horrible ,i had to pray every morning the day goes well ,i had to pray.Im sorry im asking u too many questions but it helps me recover over the trauma i am in .. thanks xxxxxx
thank u sweet heart ,i shall try to move on & i wish a speedy recovery and healing for u husband and a beautiful life full of happiness and blessing for both u...thanks once again xxxxxx
Thank you so much Annakaralin, my husband is doing very well, he just needed some medication for his illness, and he has not drank or done drugs now for 16 years, he's perfect for me, I love him so much !!! I DO truly feel that myself and my son have been blessed to have found such an incredible man. He's a wonderful caring partner, and i just know that if you wait and watch , you will find such a man for yourself. and you will live happily ever after..........
but not if you get stuck with a dud, so watch out for duds girlfriend...xoxoxo