what do you think?

[soconfusedneedhelp]

well most of you know my story and i have a question.........my daughter is going to be in a parade this weekend and she wanted me to ask my now X b/f if he would come.............now the problem with that is this.................he doesn't want anything to do with us...............he is now living his active addiction and i suppose having fun.  he is communicating pretty much non stop with his X g/f from high school and i guess he has totally forgotten about us.  my daughter is not his child but they really had a GREAT relationship and she is really really missing him.  

last week she had made him a card and i mailed it to him, but he didn't respond to it at all.  

any advice...........my heart breaks when she asks me things about him and i just don't know what to say.........she will 9 years old on the 23rd of this month

[soconfusedneedhelp]

yes i am drinking still.  i haven't really done any other drugs since i left the relationship.  just the tabs.  

i do try to get angry but it just doesn't seem to work and i don't know why.  i guess i just feel like i am not really any better than him and i have this huge amount of guilt!  i just keep hoping against hope that he will hit bottom and want help and that he can be better and we can have a life together.  i am sure that sounds really stupid to most people but i can't help that i love him.  before all of this he was the perfect man for me..........i have never felt so much love or given so much love.  i miss what we were and what we had.  call me crazy, but until i can get past that i am sure that i will continue to feel the way that i feel.  i know they say time heals all wounds so i am just going to have to take it minute by minute and hour by hour and hopefully one day i will wake up and the pain won't be as bad.  

thank you everyone for all your support.  this is going to be very hard for me especially with the holidays coming up and the only family i have is my daughter.  i know that things will get better for me i am just in a funk right now.  

i know that i will have to stop taking loritabs and eventually be clean but the problem with that is i have always been addicted to something in one form or another.  whether it is a relationship, alchol, drugs, sex there is always something.  i tend to isolate myself and try to handle my issues the only way that i know how and that is to build walls and stay close to edge so that i don't fall off.  i really don't see myself as an addict like my X b/f that loses everything they have for the sake of being f****d up.  i am in denial i am sure...............i am in denial about what is wrong with me.  i am in denial about the state of our relationship and i am in denial about life in general.  

i am sure that all of this happened for a reason and i just hope that one day soon i will know what that reason is.  maybe it was to help him - or maybe it was to help me - or maybe it was to help us both seperately and in time we can come back together.  i know i can't live my life waiting on that to happen, but at the same time right now what else can i do?  i just try to make it through a little bit of time at a time.

[Louhoo]

TIME.....that's how you'll know. After you've been off drugs for a while...you'll know. Drugs mask things yeah, but you also have your highs and lows sometimes if you're not a continuous user. If you go a day without or take less one day and more the other your emotions are gonna go for a big ride. Are you doing other drugs or drinking? Not trying to be nosy, but that adds to the feeling of helplessness.
His actions probably have nothing to do with you. Addicts, in deep, only care where their next fix is coming from. If he's using like you think he is, he only wants to be with people with drugs or are doing them too. He can't lie to himself with you, you know there is a problem. The other people that are in as deep as him, aren't questioning his actions.

Get a little angry inside...turn hurt into fuel to make changes....you deserve a better life....but you can only save yourself....and your daughters childhood.

[soconfusedneedhelp]

you are right.   in my head i know that his not responding to me is him basically saying that he is over me and whatever it was we had.  he has moved on with his life and i guess i am forced to do the same.  he is moving forward with his x and i am sure before long he will use her up just as he has done me.  

i think that zurich42 is right about my emotions being really screwy b/c of my use of loritab.  i just don't think that i am strong enough right now to stop OR i am not where i need to be to stop.  

how do you know?  i mean how do you know whether it is real pain or just being masked b/c of drugs?  i have never been in this place before and all i know is that that little pill takes so much pain away so that i just am able to function and not hurt in my heart b/c of the loss of my relationship.

i guess i am sounding pretty selfish right now and if i come across that way i am really sorry.

[GoingToMakeIt]

Clean break = clean life. You don't want your daughter around a negative influence. The fact that he is not responding IS your answer.
Go forward to a better life! lol

[soconfusedneedhelp]

i thought that i fell in love with him..........but i know that he was using (and probably abusing loritabs) when i met him so....................i don't know if i fell in love with him or the addict...........and why would it matter?  i mean, i just don't know.  i just know that until 4-5 months ago we were happy and in love and now there is nothing and he is just gone...........and so is the life that i though i was going to have.  

i keep thinking that he will hit bottom and soon b/c he is so far behind financially, but i don't really know that for sure i am just assuming...............

i don't know what i feel or what i think or what i want or don't want - i stay confused and my heart is broken!  

i keep thinking that maybe  it will all be a dream and i will wake up and my life will be back.

we went through so much to just be together in the beginning and now this.  i can't believe that he doesn't think about me or miss me at all.  God knows i miss him so much!

[Zurich42]

When I was 'single', I used to try to make myself very 'useful' in a man's life - thinking if he found me 'useful', he'd stay or commit.  Almost all did not.  When I finally gave up on this notion was when I met the man of my dreams - one that supports me, always 'takes my side', listens, loves, and can debate like any 'house on fire'.  

You and your daughter deserve better.  It's hard - it's very hard to fall out of love with someone.  Bud did you fall in love with this gentleman or did you fall in love with the addict?

Addicts hit rock-bottom eventually - it just depends on the timing.  Some may take days, some may take years - it's as unpredictable as the weather in Colorado.  

You did the right thing by pulling yourself and your daughter away from him.  I'm sure it wasn't easy - who knows, this 'might' be the 'reason' for him to hit rock bottom.  That being said, don't 'count' on that as a way to return to an abusive relationship.  If he's 'using and abusing' drugs, he's abusing your relationship or at a minimum, jeopardizing it.

If you are using your tabs to 'mask emotional pain' you'll need to commit to tapering off them or going cold turkey some day.  I know it'll be hard - but if and when you commit to it - and fulfill it - you will see light in the end of the tunnel.  I know via my Vicodin abuse my emotions were on a roller-coast - either happy or angry or sad - never 'level'.  What you are experiencing may be your own narcotics use.  

When you're ready to make a commitment - we'll be here.  Don't worry about the 'whining' - it's all part of 'why' we use drugs to mask our feelings.  

[soconfusedneedhelp]

everyone says the best thing i did was leave b/c now i am not there to cover the expenses OR help with the lies that cover his addiction........but all i see is that he is just moving on with his life like i never existed to him.  why do i feel as though i did the wrong thing??  why am i alone and hurting?  

honestly the only thing that helps me is NOTHING.  addiction is a terrible, terrible thing and it hurts so much more than the person that is using and i feel so guilty b/c i am still using tabs to mask the pain that i am feeling and i don't know what to do or how to do it.  

i know that you guys are probably sick of hearing me whine and complain about this but i am so hurt!!!!

[soconfusedneedhelp]

thank you...........very very much..

i guess somehow i think that if i let him somehow know that i (we) still love him and need him that he might realize that he misses us and will want to get help.  

it is just so hard!!!  how do you fall out of love?????  how??????

[Zurich42]

Ask yourself this:  Do you really want your daughter around someone that is an active addict? or a person that is sober?  I don't mean to be harsh - I can only imagine what you are going through and how this might 'break her heart' if you withdrew her from this relationship.  However, being an addict (or hopefully ex-addict -->me), I know that I lied, cheated, skirted the truth, etc. to get what I wanted when I wanted it.  I certainly was not a 'good' role model for anyone.  Perhaps you can view this as 'in the best interest of your daughter for the long term - not the short term' and slowly move her away from that relationship.
Sending positive thoughts and encouragement your way...