I posted this this morning and thought I posted on this board too. But anyway...
It was true when I said I have been busy at work and haven’t been around, but that’s not everything. I have been dealing with more. I ended up in the ER on Tuesday night. I know, why do I keep living this life? Anyway I started Adderall awhile ago and started taking more of it than I should. Once again something gave me that good feeling and I lost all sense of control. I am supposed to take 2 a day. On Tuesday I was taking them all day long – non stop. That stuff is like speed. But I felt good, I felt happy and I was working like a machine. I felt on top of the world. When I got home I took more – 6 at once. I have such a high tolerance for pain meds that I think I’m invincible with anything. Big mistake. So I overdosed. I ended up in the ER with my blood pressure through the roof and my heart rate hit numbers I didn’t think were possible. I was losing the feeling in my upper legs and in my right hand. I couldn’t breath and the chest pains were so bad I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
This was the worst experience. Besides thinking I was going to die I had a husband who couldn’t get past his frustration to help me when I confessed what was going on, and a nurse who said things that were just plain mean. I know I did something stupid, but I needed help.
I can’t figure out why I feel like I can’t live without having something to take to feel happy. When my husband was upset he told me “It’s always SOMETHING” and he’s right. I stopped drinking, but I went back to the pills. When I stopped the pain pills I went to Aderrall. I can give up any addiction – as long as there’s another one to take it’s place. Why?
I am figuring out what I need to do to get some serious help. I need it because I can’t do this. The thought of living with NOTHING scares me. I know I’ve done it before, so I need to get there again.
My psychiatrist is an Addition Specialist but I don’t want to see him for this after what happened. He is the one who gave me the Adderall and when he was going to try something else I had him stick to Adderall because I knew it gave you energy and all that stuff. So I need to find someone and lay it ALL out on the table. I talked to one doctor who was full but gave me some really good recommendations.
I spent yesterday making some calls and now I am just deciding what I need to do.