New And Scared

[ImSoScared]

Hi Everyone,
I've been reading posts here since early yesterday morning when I finally decided I'm done with pills... I have been taking Lortab 10/500 sometimes up to 20 a day when I had them...I run out of a months prescription in a week... When I run out I get them from my friend, when he runs out I move on to percocet 10/325...In between I take soma whenever my friend wants to give me some...I took my last 3 Lortab on Sunday and yesterday I had 4 darvocet and 2 soma's...
Everyone here seems so strong...And I feel like a big loser... I am not a strong person, I have such a wonderful husband and I can't believe I did this to him and my kids...I am so scared...I'm so afraid of what I'm going to feel like going through withdrawels, that is the only reason I have not stopped sooner...It's not even like I get a buzz from the pills anymore,I'm just afraid of what I will go through without them...I already feel so weak and shaky...I am just sitting here waiting for the **** to hit the fan...What will I feel like? What will I tell my kids, my family?
I am so scared

[blondee68]

Glad to see you are doing a bit better, I know it's hard.  I've been dealing with my battle and not dealing very well.  I've gone to a couple of doctors for medication, Vicoden, and now am basically going to be out tomorrow, and even though I am taking too much, I am really in serious pain, especially at the end of the work day.  And now, the procedure I was planning on having on my back, isn't covered on my insurance, so I don't know what else I can do but physical therapy, and without medication, I don't know how I can do that.  So, see you are doing so much better than me!  I could be doing so well if it wasn't for the crash, I know I could be.  I was!  It's infuriating as heck! But, I'm also taking like way too many advil's too, when I don't have medicine, and it doesn't work either, and all I'm doing is killing my liver and kidneys.  Don't know what to do next.  

I understand the meltdown with your child, have had one of those this week too, it makes it much more difficult.  You just want something to help you cope, and when it's gone, it's much more difficult.

Sorry, I tried to help you and probably brought you back down too.  I'm happy you are doing so well.  How is your pain?  That is what scares me the most.

[ImSoScared]

Thanks for asking... I'm hanging in there for the moment...But my moments seem to change very quickly...Last night I was giving up! I said this is not worth it!! Hours and hours of telling myself I can just go back to what my "prescribed" dose is supposed to be...Yeah right :[ Who am I trying to fool...
I'm sorry for everything you are going through right now... Yes pain sucks!! I wish I had answers for you...Are you so bad? Hell No... You're on the right path...What more could we ask for? I don't feel like anything I say right now is very helpful...I wish i could think of something BIG to help you or anyone else get through this day...But I'm trying with everything I have in me to stay clean, and I hope the same for you...
Last night was rough, a full blown meltdown with my oldest daughter...DID NOT think I would make it through the night without doing something crazy(well I was certainly acting a little crazy) but here I am...
Thanks blondee and everyone else for being there and caring...
Still Scared...

[blondee68]

How are you doing?  I've been thinking of you today, and wondering how you are coping.  Just know we're here for you.  Feel free to contact us, or if you want let me know and I'll give you my personal email, and we can chat back and forth, because I think we've gone through some of the same ****.   My family has had to go through it too, and at a very difficult time, but that's what brings us here.  I for the most part feel accepted here.  You should too!  If I could give you a big hug I would too!!! :-)) Things may seem bad at the moment, but every day you struggle through, things will get better, and every day you should be even more proud of yourself!!  I mean it!  It's difficult, I know!  But, worth it.  I am going through that crazy roller coaster again, and don't know why, except that I'm in pain, which doctor's don't understand.  I explained to mine, about my high tolererence to pain medications, and she wrote me Lortab 5's, I mean, what is she thinking?  I thought she understood, but apparently not.  Not, that I want something huge, but I would just like something that takes the pain away even temporarily, and doesn't mess me up.  If it wasn't for the car flipping, I'd be off of all drugs.  I hate that.  It makes me so mad, why did this have to happen to me, when things were finally turning around for me?  But, yet I cannot live in pain.  And I take over the counter medications every like 3 hours, advil lke 4 of them, and it does no good, so what am I suppose to do?  Am I so bad?  I don't know the answers to all these questions.  I came here to give you support and it looks like I'm asking for it, I'm sorry!!  I'm at a loss right now in my life with all that's going on.  But, keep up the good work!! We're pulling for you!!  Write me and let me know if you want my personal email.

[Dimboy]

Hello there and welcome to "The Forum" :)
Honestly...i didnt read all your post...i HAD to stop when you said that you are not strong!!! And i want to tell you that it is NOT TRUE!!! To admit your addiction, you are SO STRONG!!!! To ask for help, you are SO SMART and to think wise, you are ON THE RIGHT PATH!!
The addiction is trying to convince you that you cant do it....DON'T listen!!! GO FOR IT and fight!! For your kids, for your family and for yourself!!! We will be here for you...we WILL support you and hold you hand!! After all...we are addicts as well...Welcome to the right place!

[blondee68]

You are so welcome!  I'm glad you have your family's support, it makes the world of difference, doesn't it?  You will have bad moments, and okay moments.  But, it's worth it, just know at all times, that you are taking care of yourself, and finally putting yourself first!  I went to the pain doc today, and they want to do an injection in my back next week, start rehab, and she barely gave me some lortab 5's, which I had to practically beg for in the first place, sad huh? I know the pills won't last nearly the 15 days which they're suppose to last, so I'll be lucky to make it through Saturday, now that's Pathetic!!! So, I can say I've been where you are, even very recently, but now I'm going back through it, and it's all because of a wreck and my own stupidity.  It's a vicious cycle, and not fun at all.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I know that by Monday you will be feeling so much better, that it will be a huge difference to you.

Good luck and just remember you are doing the right thing, the right thing for you, your husband and your family.  They all deserve to have a clear headed mom/wife back in their life.  Do you worry about your back pain being back?  That is the thing that scares me, otherwise I would be off of everything, like I was just before my wreck 3 weeks ago.  I had been on Methadone for pain relief for headaches, and had to come off that on my own, and did it and was quite pleased with myself for my success, and then like 10 days later or so, I total my car.  Bad timing.  But, I will get myself back to it again, and soon, just as soon as they can do something to fix the pain in my back.

Take care!  We do care about you!  Please know that.  I've found some good support here.  It helps to know there are others out there who get it.

[ImSoScared]

This all started for me because I have 2 herniated discs in my back...Started seeing a new doctor and he asked me what I was taking for the pain...Told him ultram, he said oh no that's not going to help and wrote my first rx for Lortab 10/500! I was like WOW this is great...Well to say the least it was all downhill from there...My husband,daughter and mother have been great! I have good strong "moments" and then horrible horrible mean hours that come after that...How they put up with me is amazing...Gotta love family :]
I just keep coming on here to find encouragement and pray that I don't give in to my my constant thoughts of just having 1 more pill (or maybe 10)
Thank you for the post I really appreciate it

[blondee68]

Hey, we've all been there!! I have gone through a month's supply in a week or two at best, and then wanted to beat myself up and did over and over again, and went to every one I could to get more.  I know EXACTLY what you are going through!  I don't know why you started this roller coaster but mine was really bad headaches, and then I get off, and BAM I roll my car three weeks ago, and my back is killing me!! So, I'm going through the same **** again, trying over and over to get pills to get actually for the most part over the pain, but taking way too many.  I'm going to a pain doc today, but I know they are just going to want to do rehab or something.  I want so much to be off of the drugs, but yet, I feel in some way I need some of them, if only I could control what I took, and if I didn't have to take so darn many!!

You will probably have lots of chills, achyness, and the big "d", but it will get better if you can hold out.  I've done it before.  Usually in a couple of days it eases up.  Just tell your family that you've got the flu, unless you can be honest with your hubbie, and he should have an idea anyway, mine always knows.  Feel free to post me anytime!!  I know where you are today, and yesterday and any day to come :-))  I'm here for you!!  If you want, I'll give you my private email.
Blondee68

[ImSoScared]

Thank you, Sorry that's all I keep saying...It's all my brain allows right now lol  Strange how I have moments that I feel I will get through this and then an hour or so go by and I say NO WAY! I drove my youngest to school this morning, that's the biggest thing I've done so far, pathetic!  Now all I can think about are these two meetings I have for my kids...One this afternoon and one tomorrow morning, I can't imagine being able to do it, I really can't...

[Amphora]

The wonderful people who have already replied to you have offered great advice and encouragement to you and all of us.  My friend w/20 years clean time keeps reminding me how important it is to forgive ourselves -- REALLY forgive ourselves for our past mistakes/errors in judgment.  I find it isn't easy to overcome the "guilt trip" -- but it's very important to overcome it.  I hope this is of some help; I replied because I hadn't seen forgiving ourselves mentioned in the other replies.  Best of luck to you and congratulations on facing your addiction!!  That in itself PROVES you are much stronger than you currently believe!  Please let us know how you're doing.  We DO care.  Mike

[bigalspal]

Hi,
I want to give you a big cyber hug! (((((( ImSoScared))))))
You are very brave! I'm on day 4 & feeling pretty good. I was using a BUNCH of Lortab EVERYDAY for a long time. I turned 50 the other day & I said to myself, "How Pathetic" "Will I be searching the streets, doctor shopping, CTing when I'm waiting on my RX, for the rest of my life???!!"
That's really sad. So...I decided (after my Dr cut me off, of course) that this is bullcrap!
What I did was drop down to one prescription of Darvocet & after that was done, I quit. I got a hold of a couple of Xanax for the first couple of days & that was it. It worked for me. For the last 2 days, I've been walking for 45 mins at our local park. I just strapped on the ole' iPod & went for it. It has made all the difference. I guess I'm getting my natural endorphins going. I plan on doing it again tomorrow.
The only thing I'm having trouble with is sleep, but this aint my first rodeo, so I expected that. I did get a nice nap in an hour ago.
Oh, I'm taking a bunch of vitamins & minerals from the Thomas recipe. I'm sure that's helping, too.
Hang in there, sweetie! You know as well as I do, this has to end sometime! You are a slave to the stuff! I know I was. I was in a prison of my own making!
Bigalspal

[CollyDog]

Sweetie - the only way is up from here on out.  Try not to focus on what you have ahead of you but just what's going on right here, right now, in this moment.  It's very, very difficult and takes a lot of will and determination but hey, we didn't become addicts overnight either did we?  All I can say to you is that if you do this; you will be amazed at how much life really does give to us when we're clean and sober.  Right now, the way I feel, I will never pick up another pill again as long as I live - three weeks ago I could never have said that.  Yes, I know there will be times when I become weak and my addiction talks to me but RIGHT NOW, I will never take another pill again as long as I live.  Please remember honey, I too am only three weeks clean from these horrific drugs.

Focus on today honey and glance back at the past but don't stare too hard.  Remember how you got to where you are right now but don't reflect on it too deeply as it takes the focus away from the way forward. . .we are all here to help, support, talk and encourage.  That you can count on.  

Please keep posting girl
Vicky

[ImSoScared]

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words... I feel like Im lost for words, here on this forum and in my house...I'm in a fog, All I can think about is me me me! Selfish I know... I could barely sit 10 minutes to do homework with my 10 year old and the thought of having to drive my teenagers here and there later kills me and this is only day 1!
I hope that as I come to this forum more I can open up, and also be able to give encouraging words to others as you are doing for me...Right now I'm just sad...Sad that I did this to myself, Sad that I now have to deal with the effect of my abuse

[PromisedLand]

Welcome and as others have said you're not alone....I'm just now on my 3rd day
without them.  Some here have had success with clonidine..a blood pressure med
that seems to help with many symptoms..it has helped me, I know that, in just 2 days...see if you can see your doctor or ER..and be honest with them.  I told them
Sunday night I'm an addict and I AM NOT LOOKING FOR NARCOTICS..I WANT HELP..and they listened and helped.  It may not be easy..you have the support of your husband and daughter..I have the support of my wife and one of my step kids..I haven't told the youngest..as my counselor told me today..a 50
mile walk in the forest requires a 50 mile walk out...but it can be done and there are things to make it easier...you're in the right place...there's plenty of people who can help..

Good luck and God bless

[road2recovery]

welcome--
i know how scared you are..i am still scared..I am also a mother of 4, and feel so much quilt..ecspecially money i have spent...Right now i am on 7 days..it is not easy but i am feeling better every day, i promise it gets better...I can't look back only forward...i have a wonderfull husband , thank goodness..Be honest with him, and let the kids know that moma has a bad flu..
we are here for you
r2r

[CollyDog]

Hello there - first of all welcome to the Forum honey and congratulations on being responsible and not being a quitter in the slightest.  For a start, quitters don't give up things that they're addicted to, they carry on using them; secondly, quitters don't admit their faults and try and gain strength from their loved ones - quitters normally keep on running away from their problems!!  YOU ARE NOT A QUITTER and YOU ARE NOT WEAK.  We have all walked in your shoes and I know personally that your story is similar to mine and many others' on here.  Everything will be OK but it takes time - you can do this just one day at a time, OK?

I have been clean for 22 days today - I went thru cold-turkey withdrawals from a very healthy addiction(!) to Hydrocodeine and Percocets!  The first 1 to 5 days are normally the worst physically but they do pass!  You will feel like you have a bad case of the flu or something - try searching out the "Thomas Recipe" as it really does help - it's all over the Forum.  Plus, you can expect endless nights of no sleep - this is perfectly normal but very difficult to deal with.  I have just now began sleeping a little more regularly.  A lot of people swear by 'Melatonin' which is an OTC herbal sleep aid.  The worse symptoms I endured were the achey legs - it's almost unbearable sometimes - but it passes, it really does.  Like I said honey, almost three weeks later, life is pretty awesome for me right now.  The best part is knowing that everything I do and feel and see and hear is done without synthetic drugs directing my brain and also not feeling constantly 'fuzzy'  - plus, not having to count pills, make sure I have enough to last, wonder whether I can take just one more is the biggest blessing in the world.  It just feels so good to actually 'feel'. . .

Keep posting sweetie - you've already made the most important decision - that's that you want to quit.  Withdrawals are hard but not impossible and YOU WILL MAKE THIS.  Keep posting, open up to these amazing people on the Forum and just try and stay in today and you'll make it.  We have all been where you are right now and you can quite easily be where we are right now - ride the ride, embrace the pain, and don't look back girl!!  Good luck to you.

Vicky

[ImSoScared]

Thank you for your support. I have told my husband and my oldest daughter...My husband is telling me everything is going to be ok and my daughter is trying to be more realistic by telling me it's going to suck...It took me all morning to get out of bed to get to the computer and post...Now I'm afraid to leave the computer thinking I will never make it back down the stairs again...I have never been able to follow through with much in my life...I feel that I have always been a quitter...And I SO don't want to quit this...I really do NOT want to take any more pills. but I'm a weak person...I don't even know if withdrawals have started or I'm just feeling crappy...But again, thank you for your positive posts...I plan to come back here as often as I can... Can I ask what I should expect over the next couple of days?

[lonote]

Tell your kids your not feeling well. If your family will understand, tell them you've been taking pain meds and you got caught up in the mix and it has become a problem for you. Utilise this forum for love and support. You will here from others also. This forum is a God send for me.I too was abusinf percs, and vikes. I am now on suboxone and going to wean off of it. You are not a loser. You not feeling anything any of us out here has felt. Its normal to sb scared of w/d's and being down for a whilr. You hang in there honey, and keep posting. I am here for you.    Cathy

[nurseintrouble]

Hi, don't be afraid, you are doing the right thing.  Tell your husband about what you are about to go through.  Have him read all the post from FLHubby, so he will know what to expect.  Withdrawls are different for everyone.  Mine where minimal and others were h*ll on wheels.  Just remember that they do not last forever, and you will feel better off the pills.  

You are not a big loser.  Everyone here felt the same way, I know I did.  You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.  You came here and posted, that is the first step.  Keep reading everyones posts, ask questions when you need to, cry on our shoulders when you need to, rant, rave and scream when you need to, tell us that you can't do it and you want a pill, we'll be there to tell you, you can do it and you will!

I am here for you sister, talk to me any time you need to!