Why Be Ashamed?

[hopeless]

Ya know, i jut don't understand something...Why do i/we feel ashamed? Yes, we have an addiction! Okay - So what!! We didn't ask to become addicted, right? It just happend, we were NOT born this way, it is just one of those things that happend to each of us. At one point in our lives we were all clean, and then at another point in our lives we became addicted to pain killers. NOT our fault...It was ok in the beginning when we first started using, cause we had NO idea what it was going to do to us. I am sure if we did, then things might be different now for all of us! I became addicted all because one night i had a REALLY bad migraine and a friend had some percs. and offered me one. I can still remember that night, i remember looking at her and saying "Is this going to hurt me" She said NO. So i took one from her, and actually it made me sick, we were on our way home and i said you better pull over, so she did, and i threw my guts up! (In someones yard, at that) So i get home and by that time i was feeling alot better, now that it was out of my system. She told me it only made me sick cause i had No food in my tummy. Which i didn't!! Anyway, the next day i asked her for another one (don't remember why) but i did. I guess i wanted to see if it would help me with whatever pain i was having at the time. So i took another, and liked the way i felt...and from there the rest is history!

I guess what i am trying to ask, or say, is why be ashamed? Like i said we didn't ask to become addicts, so why are we so afraid to let the ones who love us know what we are truely going through? The only ones who know about me is my husband and my best friend (who first gave me the pill) I want so bad to tell my parents, i hate hiding this from them. I am a very honest person and feel just disgusting inside - like i am lying. I have never been one to with hold the truth, i usually speak my mind, and have always felt so good for doing it. Now i am not this way. I keep getting off track here, my point is once again, We did not ask to be addicts, we did NOT intentally do this to ourselves. It is an addiction (a bad one) but it is almost like having a disease. Just like someone with cancer, they did not ask for that, so therefore, they shouldn't have to hide it from the ones they love. Just like a person who just has to have that first cup of coffee in the morning, without it they can't get through the day.That is an addiction, but they don't hide it! I am tired of hiding from my family, i am tired of lying to all the people who love me so much! I have an addiction, but who truely don't? Wether it is coffee, to someone having cancer, ect...Not one of them people asked for that to happen to them, just like us. They don't hide it, so why do I/We?

Am i making any sense? Or am i just having a really bad day here?

The only ones i can come to about my feelings and addiction is you guys. It just amazes me so much that i can turn to people that i will probrobly never meet and spill my guts. So why can't i go to my family, (the ones who love me, more than life itself) and be honest with them? I don't know why i should be ashamed! I am a good person, with a HUGE heart! I just have an addiction! Doesn't make me bad, just got addicted to some pain killers, didn't ask for this to happen, so why can't i tell them? Why do i feel so ashamed of something i had no control over? People that have cancer or Aids or whatever had no control over that, and i don't feel they should be ashamed! So why this?

Arrgghh - i am just feeling so lost today, and just keep asking myself "why" i did nothing wrong.

By the way, i told all of you eariler that i was going to go and get my script filled for the 12 vikes i had. Well i did go to the pharmacy, but i pulled in and just sat in my car for about 20 minutes. Thinking and thinking...then i pulled away, and went to my parents house. So i did NOT get them filled. As a matter of fact, i came home and burnt the script! I put it in the garbage, then sat here and thought, this is not going to work, i could still get it out of there. So i pulled it out, held it over the sink and burnt it...So it is gone! Yes, Tim i actually did it this time too..LOL

I luv you guys so much, and luv knowing that i can come here and be totally honest with all of you. I am sorry for yappin alot, and i know this was alot to read, but had to get it out.

Hope

[TimH2]

I am so proud of you there are tears in my eyes. You just gave me a shot of strength that I needed. I am having a weak moment right now. I feel like digging and now there is no way I can. You have really touched me in a way I can't express. I really am at a loss here.

There is no shame in this at all. You (all) hold your self up to a higher level than anyone else would. You would never be upset with me if I fell off. You would wrap your cyber arms around me and tell me "it is ok, get back on the horse" and I would do no less for you. I am always told "why do you beat yourself up so much."  I don't know why, I just do. Anyone who loves storms like I do, is crazy too!!!!  lol j/k

I want to make sure this stays on the top for the entire day!!!!!

You are a double frosted cup cake today!!!!

(((((((((((((((((((Hope))))))))))))))))))))))

Love you,
Tim

[hopeless]

Double Frosted Cupcake?? Mmmm Mmmm, i sound good enough to eat! LOL

I love storms, i always have!

Tim, thank you! From the bottom of my heart! I feel that you know me so well, even better than i know myself at times. What i wroted, i wasn't sure if i was even making any sense when i was typing it, but just saying how i truely feel inside. I just don't get it! Being ashamed for something i/we had no control over! We can come here and spill our guts to people we don't really know, but we can't go to the ones that have loved us from day one and tell them. We should NOT be ashamed, we are all human, and everyone has some kind of addiction. I feel like i want to climb the highest mountain and scream it to the world right now. I should NOT be ashamed! Not one of us should be!

[TimH2]

I know and you can be sure that it is here for you. My wife views it as a character flaw and although supportive, she has her own views. My children are young and have no clue at all. I was never obvious in my addiction. I fooled everyone and was caught hiding my pills in a vitamin bottle. I started out taking for real pain. I always had a liking for opiates and never thought it would get so out of control.  I am glad that you feel better. We are here for you!!

Tim

[beach777]

I agree that we shouldn't be ashamed but I can say that at least for some of us, we don't get "unconditional" love from our families. My family would definitely treat this different than cancer. They would view it as a character flaw and not understand at all. In fact, they treated me as weak, disappointed and often showed down right disgust when i tried to talk to them about depression.....so I learned real quick to cover, act "normal" and never admit to anything. I, too, consider myself an honest person and I can be honest with you guys but my family: no....and by family, I mean parents, brothers, sisters.
As for my kids (they're 20 and 22), they found out about my addiction before and they think I'm "clean and sober" now b/c they made it clear that if they ever found out I was using again, they would cut me out of their lives permanently....and I believe they would......so I lie.
Nonetheless, your comments did make me feel a little better. Hope, you have a huge heart. Please stay in touch on the forum.

[TimH2]

Now you're talking double frosted!!!!  You are welcome and you are always here for me and everyone else. Never be ashamed and remind me if I start in on myself. You crossed a milestone today!!! We are only human and I would rather be an addict than someone that is cruel and has no love for others. I hope my girls have the kindness, loyalty and integrity that you have.

Love to ya,
Tim

[hopeless]

Tz - You made a great point! We just don't want others to worry! I get it now, Thank you!

How's the tummy doing?

luv ya
Hope

[tzt2lady]

You both are shining stars in my eyes.  People here are good, caring  people.  I know that in NA they told me "screw guilt"  "you arent responsible for your addiction but you are responsible for your recovery" and "baby steps but keep moving".   Silly slogans that I got tired of hearing after years and years but they are so true.    Another person could get a script for legit pain, take half the bottle until the pain was gone, and then throw them out.   How are we supposed to know what is going to set off our addictive reaction?  We don't.   It happens. They also told me in meetings that we are not "bad people trying to get well, but sick people trying to get well"  Sick like having a disease type of sick.
Part of the reason we don't tell others is because we may not want to hurt them with worry.  We may have a vision of how certain people see us and not want that altered;   We may feel we let others down.

We just have to keep moving.  Sometimes it may be ten steps forward, two steps back, or whatever.  But we do keep coming here and being honest with each other which makes our recovery a possibility.

luv y'all
tzt

[hopeless]

I am so sorry that your family don't understand you! You are not a bad person, just have an addiction that is so hard to beat! No one can ever know how you/we truely feel until they have walked your shoes. It's tough when you have no family to turn to, but you DO have all of us! We are kinda like family, "The Forum Family" Greatest family i have right now...

All my best to you
Hope

[PromisedLand]

I know I certainly didn't plan on becoming addicted.  Started off innocently enough. I've always had back problems.  One day I woke up and was in agony..could hardly move..all day I tried heat/ice, Ibuprofen, etc..nothing worked..finally my wife took me to the ER (it was a Saturday night) and they
gave me a script for 20.  I went through those in a few days.  A couple weeks later I was at a follow up appt with my doctor and said I was still in pain and he gave me a refill for 30.  I took 1 usually every other night..helped me sleep...but soon became 1 every night...then 1.5, then 2.  Then I started taking 2 in the day time and 2 and night and pretty soon..well..you know how it happens.  I was in pain..went to physical therapy which helped but was still in pain but I didn't refill that 30 for a couple months..then the doc started giving me 60/month with refills and i was off...I too am not a bad person.  I take care of my family, work hard at my job and am recognized regularly for my accomplishments...

But now it is a battle to get off of them.  Funny..many years ago I had similar back issues shortly after surgery.  My then wife worked at the doctor's office I saw back then and getting refills was just a phone call away but i eventually got off of them and i don't recall any problems doing so...but now it is so difficult to do so.
But I feel nothing to be ashamed about
Jim

[hopeless]

Jim - I am glad you don't feel ashamed! I don't think any of us should...You sound like a great guy, and at least you realize you have a problem with the pills. They say that is the first step. I don't remember if we ever talked here before, but want you to know, if you need anything, please let me know. I wish you all the best, and pray for your recovery...

Hope

[tzt2lady]

Thanks for asking hun, the tummy is getting better, slowly.   I actually went out to Lowes Home Improvement store with my daughter and grandaughter to get some things we need.   I got one of those battery powered scooter things cuz Im not supposed to be on my feet..........my grandaughter and I had a blast on that thing!  (doesn't take much to amuse me).   We were trying to turn around in the middle of one of the aisles and had to go back and forth a zillion times like the one scene on Austin Powers......

Are you feeling better hun?    Keep your chin up, you truly are a beautiful person!
tzt

[marcatj]

i agree wholeheartedly... there is no shame to be had here.  we did not plan this, and we are hurting no one (except ourselves, sometimes...)  but i agree.. there is nothing to be ashamed of.

tzt said it best - as always....

hope - i love ya, kiddo :-)

xox
me

[hopeless]

Ah Tz...you crack me up!!! I can just see you now on that thing...You sound alot like me, this is something i would do!
I am so glad the tummy is getting better.
I am starting to feel a little better, a lil' depressed today, but it will go away, i am sure...
I am going to go for a walk, it quit stormin here (for now) so gonna go before it starts again...
I will be back in a little while, i'll give ya a holler when i return..

luv ya girl
Hope

[hopeless]

Hey Honey,
So glad to see you here. How is everything with you? You doing okay? I was just going out to go for a walk. My dogs are sitting here starring at me "like come on already" They love walks...So i am heading out, but will be back in awhile...Hope you will still be here, should only be about an hour or so...

luv ya sweet ems'
Hope