How in the world can a person battle Satan, Win and then go back for more.

[Zeuss]

The mind is more powerful than anything on this earth, and that goes both good and bad. As I rejoined last night with a short post, I wondered how those of us who have fought the battle and won and enjoyed life for a while and then get this crazy notion to go and want to fight the devil himself again. I was a member before, working on a horse ranch and went under another name. I fought 17 long hard days with the devil to rid myself of a year long percocet habit(100 milligrams) by going CT. From November to the end of February I was happy. Granted, I like others have a medical condition(no excuses) but just wanted off the meds. Now here I am on Vicoden, 10 milligrams 3 to 4 times a day and have been for about 2 months. Part pain, and part STUPIDITY. I wrote stories of my WDs and posted a poem Fellow Addicts heres the deal. If anyone has that saved, I think it might be nice to post it and let some of our fellow members see what it is about. I think R2R saved it.  I really have respect for those who have won the battle and are continuing to win the war. Some of us, like me seem to want to go back into the battlefield. Not 100 percent willingly, but still end up there. And that doesnt mean I dont respect all who are trying.  I just cant fathom why I had this **** whipped and now here I am again(to a much lesser degree by far) but whipped none the less. I read a lot of posts of people trying to and coming off, and believe me it can be done. I was run over by a horse, had giant roaches trying to get me, had to work, no sleep and still beat the demon. He fully had a grasp on me back then, and I think now he just has his horns in me, so it should be a lot easier to chainsaw those off, rather than going ten rounds with him last time. All of you can do this, and many will succeed. The true warriors keep on fighting even after they have won the battle. Obviously, I didnt see my enemy hiding, and for the second time in my life, Ive been blindsided. Or did I just open the door and let him walk right into my life again. I have no damn clue. I got some replys on my post last night and a good taper plan, which I appreciate all and the time it took to answer. Part of me wants to taper and a big part of me just wants to CT again. And you all think the Ultimate Fighters are tough. Let them go through what we have and see how many of them make it. Anyway Im back to the damn drawing board, and at least this time I know what to draw and whats ahead. To the rest of you, being physically tough like I was, just wasnt enough, You have to have that Mental toughness also, which a lot of members here have. Congrats to all who have kept putting ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER. even if they are little tiny baby steps.           Zeuss

[grace10]

It's waking the beast, if we don't feed it, it goes to sleep, one pill, one fix, one whatever, wakes it up.  I about 15 years off herion and thought I could take pain pills. It's all the same after a point.

[Mikeinthesouth]

ur not alone hang in there.. Mike

[worried878]

Does make me feel kinda weak..to have to fight something that fits in a bottle and causes more pain than it relieves for many...just gotta keep fighting

[sadinmichigan]

You know what you have to do..and you can do it. many of us have tried to kick this thing more than once. Why on earth we want to fight the devil himself is a good question..I quit c/t off @12 hydros a day..was on them about 6 yrs and had a 1 yr on methadone without the pills. went cold off 65mg with that..and then started the pain pills about 4 months after that..I am clean today as of March 7..it does take work. You can do it..Lisa

[spacecadette]

Aftercare sounds like it might be a big help. Good luck to you

[imrprod]

Did you attend any meetings after you got off the meds before?  I am attending a 12 step program and it is really helping me get through the thinking part of this whole thing. I was clean from alcohol and drugs for 7 years and started taking the pills at first like you on a very limited basis as prescribed.  As addiction will do my intake increased and I rationalized it for months and then that turned into 2 years.  I went CT a couple of months ago and then was back at it within a very short time of getting over the withdrawals. It is truly amazing how quickly we forget the pain and anguish the addiction causes us.  I am just starting the suboxone treatment and hope that working with a doctor I can stay stopped this time.  I have known sobriety before and pray for it to return to my life.  Before you get sucked back in get out-no matter what you have to do to do it.  I think of my addiction as the headless horseman riding by my side every day of my life just waiting for me to have a weak moment and then attack.  I will never be free from addiction but hopefully I can go on without giving in to it by using.  Good luck and don't be to hard on yourself. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and we have to fight it every day one day at a time.