I have relapsed with opiates....feel horrible

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I did something totally different this time.  I was using the pods I was on less (opium plant pods) and switched to heroin about a month ago, while using pods here and there.  I worked my way up to 2-3 bags per day (20 dollars a bag) using them at one dose at night, or two doses within an hour because I felt nothing usually after about an hour.  I was snorting these.  The first time I tried cold turkey, I relapsed because I had the opium pods around.  I didn't get rid of them and after a week I figured I can use them here and there and not get addicted, horrible mistake.  This time, I got rid of the number I use to get the heroin, totally cut off all possibilities to get opium pods so there are none left at home and even took it a step further and got rid of the ultram which I had 20 pills of.  So I took my last dose of heroin (3 bags) on wednesday night, thursday I was fully clean, friday I was clean for half the day and then I started getting out of breath and got horrible anxiety (mind you I'm doing this alone) so I took one 50 mg ultram.  I still feel relatively ok physically.  I took that ultram at about 6 pm and it's now 1:56 am, still no physical symptoms except inability to sleep, a little runny nose, muscle aches that are tolerable, and here is the one I really have trouble with...horrible depression.  I never felt so horribly alone in my life...of course because no one knows that I used and no one knows that I'm withdrawing now as I took a week off to go through withdrawals.  I got rid of all the ultram (flushed it all down the toilet).  So now there is absolutely no turning back.  If I leave the house to even search a new spot for drugs (which knowing me is unlikely because of the high risk of getting caught), I will be questioned and either way, the car is in the shop so I can't even drive so I really have no possibility now.  


I just decided to come here because I never felt so horribly alone and depressed.  I cried my *** off yesterday because I thought my girlfriend was detaching from me...I'm still not so sure yet but she said she wants to work on our relationship and that she still loves me...so I had to hide all my damn emotions and act like I wasn't going to put up with her lack of love towards me and her distancing because I don't want to seem desperate (which I know will definitely drive any girl away).  So I told her, I will not be taken for granted like she said she did, and I will not work on this relationship unless she will work on herself (mind you she has anger problems, mild depression, and sometimes gets totally numb, doesn't even love her new kitten or her mom).  So she noticed that I'm not being a child about this and seemingly is ok with me now although the I love yous and warmth is taking time to get back.  I love her so much so first day of withdrawal I cried literally for two hours thinking of the great times I had and how I never want to be with anyone else in my life.  I still feel this sadness so this is the only place I can turn to.  If she knows I was on drugs and she is so against them, I'll definitely lose her so I'm suffering away from literally everyone in total silence and whenever she calls I have to be totally normal which I do pull off quite well.  I even come off happy and totally unshaken.  But aside from all that...it's odd because when I hit day two of withdrawal, before I took the ultram I was more emotionally stable but horrible physically unstable and breathing very hard.  Now it's about 8 hours into the ultram and I feel horribly emotionally unstable but physically stable.  I just want to know...considering my habit, how much more of this **** do I have to go through.  I hope someone can talk to me because I never in my life felt so alone and I will do anything at this point to get my old fit self back and to be in good condition so I can be the man to the woman I love deeply.  I have so much motivation now that I have no possibilities of using opiates, I at least feel good about that, but I still feel like I'm hell right now and I feel like crying and I can't sleep.  I hope this doesn't last for more than 3 more days beyond this because I need to get back to my life.  

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Well honestly, I'm already 100% sure that this recent feeling like **** and lack of energy wasn't really the PAWS thing because I felt great before that for a while and now I'm sick so yea...I'm damn sure that this is all it is.  I know I'll crave the drug though, that's going to be a battle for sure but I think just simply because getting sick caused me to suddenly become incapable of going to the gym and suddenly incapable of really doing much at all because I'm having a pretty bad sinus infection that caused leakage to my throat and a bad cough, some chills, a mild fever, and just groggy all day....but all that combined it's pretty obvious I'm not going to feel at my best.  I'm sure once this goes away and I start hitting the gym like I was I'm going to be back to 110%.  It's just moments like these when I'm not busy, my mind wanders too much and I feel like crap just because I have too much time on my hands when I prefer to be moving forward.  That happened to me even before being an addict.  I would have moments where if I am laying around long enough and not doing anything, it physically manifests into weakness, lethargy, and a feeling like I'm sick even if I'm not.  I was always naturally low energy which is why I worked out.  If I'm healthy though and can work out on the other hand...I can get up work out, get my body moving, and once I get it moving I keep it moving...my energy comes back fast.  I call it the bounce back effect.  Get the gears lubed up and rolling and it'll be very difficult to move at first but once I apply momentum and the gears are rolling...it's much easier to keep moving.  What I'm having now is the incapability of getting my gears moving cause I'm sick and that makes it even worse so I confused that with PAWS at first but really I was just starting to get sick..NOW I'M REALLY SICK and I know it's just that so.  So long as I know what's wrong with me and 99% of the times I do...I know what to do to get out of it.  

[BornofOsiris]

just remember drugs has no stereotype whether man nor woman, ethnicity, age doesnt matter. Aftercare is prolly the most important step in recovery since most people crack at the "mental" part of it. Over time the cravings will go away and we will feel normal and human again but the battle will never be over. Even if you have 15 years clean, just one can make us addicts again, and bring back the whole "mental" part. As addicts we cant control over how much we use nor how long, obviously since we all got addicted, were in this for life. Us addicts just cant use a diff substance neither cause we release our addictions all over again, we just look for something to make us feel "good". Try not to force tooo much stress on your body, for we are still healing, we used for years now its going to take a while to get fully healed. The energy will come back sooner or later, sometimes it can take months so dont try to force yourself to get energy and just remember PAWS usually peaks around 3-6 months, so you can never let your guard down, no matter what.Much love

Dallas

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The cravings are hitting me harder and harder every day...I certainly didn't expect this.  I understand now fully why people say the war is in the after care.  All the suppression of cravings I did until the last week have probably surfaced and exploded since they were subconsciously suppressed through a state of incredible confidence.  The confidence is still there but the cravings have humbled me and taught me a valuable lesson...keep fighting hard as the war is not yet over.  I must persist now more than ever because this seemingly is the hard part.  I keep my mind and body as busy as possible lately because I have no other choice.  Like I said all that suppression has exploded into my nightmares and dreams and then into my conscious world.  It's like suppressing anger...you keep it at bay for long enough, it will come out explosively.  Unfortunately it has made my life difficult lately but not nearly difficult enough to over power me and put me in a submissive state.  I will keep dominating this because that is what I'm biologically meant to do...dominate every aspect of my life because I am a man...this is no different.  NO man should be existing to let something or someone control him.  Man is there not to be controlled by others especially not by a drug...an inhumane and soulless piece of matter...it's actually quite pathetic to let something like an object control another human being.  I keep this in mind because what man would let another man or woman control him?  Imagine stooping to a newer lower and letting an object, a drug control a man that exists to prove to God and others that he is alive to take control of life and prove himself worthy of biological sustenance.  I will keep fighting.  And I thought the withdrawal was bad...seems like PAWS is there to a certain extent as my brain has stopped producing as much nor epinephrine as much as it was during the first month of recovery when the brain was producing this in high abundance.  My energy levels have dropped and my unusually high levels of increased sense of well being have leveled out and sometimes I feel a bit blue but I know that's part of my brain coming back to normal.  Strange that I was so unbelievably euphoric during the first month of recovery.  Feels like I'm becoming human again but part of being human is striving to be super human and that is part of my endless battle with life and a drug that can destroy my reason for existence.  I can't let that happen.  Now that my brain has calmed down and stopped releasing all that adrenaline and nor epinephrine which comes out in abundance when quitting opiates as a natural reaction since there was a lack of that during use...I have to find new means of increasing my energy.  

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Yea the cravings must've been delayed or something but they are hitting me lately like stones thrown from the heavens.  Nothing I can't handle just surprised.  Those demons pestering me inside, I didn't think I realistically could've totally lived craving free did I?  NO big deal though.  This is nothing I can't handle.  I just need to up the efforts and keep talking to my counselor.  It's just a mental thing...nothing physical.  I've dealt with 1000 times worse so this'll be a breeze and I'll keep telliing myself that because I will believe it!  Life has officially started a battle with me...I'm starting a war with life.  

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Heroin plagueing my dreams?  Unbelievable.  My cravings are very manageable otherwise but since I've been suppressing them in my conscious hours with weight training, keeping busy, seeing my girl, or doing homework...they have emerged full blast in my dreams.  Really vivid but strangely enough even in my dreams it's like they are still one step away from me.  

One dream was with me and my girl...she was driving my car and drove towards a side street where there were heroin dealers...for some odd reason the president of the U.S. was walking in a procession with many other government and military men down that street as we passed by with the car around them.  As we drove into this street after they all passed, it was a very sunny day and to my surprise in this ghetto that is primarily african american there are some hipsteresque white girls hanging around in their front yards just chilling out in the open as if it's summer.  Not a single heroin dealer to be found, it was as if the neighborhood has been cleaned out of gangs.  Very strange.  

The other dream was with me in the third point of view...I believe that's how you would put it.  I was following some guy that was a heroin addict and went to a head shop where they sold souvenirs, t-shirts, and the usual head shop stuff but apparantley also heroin.  This guy I was with went to the owner that was hanging around in the front of the shop and told him he needs 150 dollars worth of heroin but only has 80 dollars.  The owner looked at him in a very stern manner and told him, you know I'm going to go after you if you don't pay me back, then invited him in and gave him about what seemed like 20 10 dollar bags of heroin with the store's well designed logo on each bag.  I was only present almost as a spirit as I followed this man and no one said anything to me as I was with him and he got into his junk car and drove off to some cheap apartment complex to shoot up two bags...which he claimed injected got him very high from this particular high quality dealer.  Very strange, very disturbing.  

The good news is, that I definitely don't have the slightest urge to even think about getting any drugs nor do I know where I can get them at this point anyway which is even better.  I'm back at the point where the risk of getting caught and destroying the possibility of getting a good education as a result is way too high for me to risk getting high.  That's how I felt for the years before even using the pods when I was totally clean.  The cravings are haunting...but that's all they are evil spirits roaming around me.  I probably only had those dreams because I was in a lot of pain trying to get to sleep...I got a splitting headache and couldn't fall asleep until 7 am and then kept waking up every 2 hours to use the bathroom.  So since my body was in pain, it was definitely craving something.  That's all.  Nothing more nothing less.  

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Ahhhh got my data back.  Now I can keep updating.  I'm getting my personal training job back very soon.  Life is looking beyond up.  Who would've thought after heroin and opium poppy morphine addiction?  My body is looking better and better each week and my energy is still very high.  No PAWS no crazy cravings even though I do get cravings...but all the cravings are so minimal and my love for life stops them dead in their tracks.  My love and search for higher meaning doesn't just stop them dead in their tracks but destroys them and reduces them to lack of existence.  My addiction to weightlifting and being a better person physically, mentally, and spiritually has overcome the addiction to a pleasant yet ultimately meaningless and destructive substance.  I don't even know what day I'm at now, I don't care.   Because I can be on day 1000 or day 2 for all I care...as long as I feel like this my life is going to rise to a new dimension of clarity and meaning and nothing will ever control me again.  My spirit is stronger than that.  

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That's the thing man, I made a point of that in my recovery.  I know that can happen, the whole over confidence then desire to use just once that's why a big staple in my plan is NOT EVEN ONCE...NOT AN OPTION.  I know to tell myself EVEN ONCE will destroy my whole world that I built from the ground up so trust me, I have that engrained in my head as well constantly and every day.  This is the there is no option back no matter what plan haha.  I'm letting myself get confident but the right kind of confidence.  They always say there is a difference between confidence and cockiness....this is confidence, this is a pact with God that I can't break because just once will break the chains.  So I'm not getting cocky and won't let myself think even once to use again.  This is why I'm doing this with a couple other people too...I admitted I need help from others as well but I still want the freedom to feel as independent as possible.  I have two friends close to me that know that are checking me out every now and then to see for warning signs or search my basement and I still call my counselor constantly.  So I took those precautions too...not to end up the person that says he is confident enough to use just once and it'll all be ok...I know that's another trap, I know damn well so I closed that option off completely that's why this is all built up off principle.  If I break, I'm a hypocrite.  

[BornofOsiris]

Just be careful man dont let your guard down at all costs. I believe it was gizzy he posted a few months ago about some on the lines of "Pink cloud" or something idk someone correct me but its a sense that you have won your addiction and can make you over confident then you think you beat it next thing your saying you can get high once then blam its in your life again. Not trying to be mean or anything at all man just trying to give you a heads up if you didnt know. Good job and staying clean man and way to help out a friend. My old dealer was also inspired by me since we both knew eath other all the way back in high school playing football together now he is clean about 3 months now.

[pensacolafl26]

I agree. you should not be satisfied being a victim, or a survivor, i can only do this in way of being  CONQUERER!

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Day 28.  A test I did to test my will...not really a test because I knew damn well I wouldn't fail.  I'm beyond the point of ever failing again.  My dealer when I was using told me he wanted to quit, he is a man of God and so am I.  He did call even after I threatened him and told me this, that he needs my strength one day and I told him fine one day just not yet.  I stopped by his house today (that day came)...a heroin spot, knowing damn well I wouldn't even think about using as my cravings are easily tolerable and dealt with.  I came over saw him and told him, brother, I am here to give you a message...I gave him the thomas recipe, the enhanced version I have and told him if he needs to stop soon that I will talk him through it and get him talking to my counselor to help him out.  He was surprised to say the least that I actually came through and was even more surprised when he saw how healthy and how much muscle I gained since quitting.  I think it was a good impression on him of what he can be if he stopped.  He's healthy, 36 years old and capable of doing cold turkey so I urged him to and I told him if he is a true believer of God then I'll be happy to play the role of the messenger to help him out of it.  It was an empowering feeling, being there around the corner of where I could get the heroin and knowing beyond damn well that I wouldn't even think for a second of using.  I'm at the point where you can put that stuff in my face and I will slap it off your hands and move on!  This technique was more an enforcement of my strength of will.  So I knew this was no risk on my part as I feel better than I could ever be without using drugs...plus I'm not one of your emotionally beat up typical NA members that tells himself he's still an addict and keeps supporting the mentality of "oh I'm always going to have cravings, deep down inside I'm still an addict"...NO.  If I tell myself I am not an addict I won't be, if I tell myself I am above the cravings I AM, if I use the will of my mind which is the strongest tool in the world....nothing can control me.  I don't believe in that lovey dovey mentality of surrendering to the idea that I have a disease and that I will always have cravings.  I believe in the mentality that if I tell myself every day that I'm not an addict and I have NO OPTION of ever using again, I won't.  Plain and simple.  I believe the earlier mentality of NA which I experienced can cause certain people to relapse.  I know it wouldn't to me but it has to others because they are babied.  I'm not one to be given hugs, or babied, or told that I have a disease....I'm a young 24 year old strong male...what's that going to do to my ego.  So I told the dealer, if he does it my way, he's doing it the hard way but the proud way.  I'm not going to pity him, I'm just going to make sure he feels good about what he's doing and he feels strong for getting through it so maybe it is an easier way.  Hopefully with the thomas recipe and my counselor it will help him.  I pray it does.  

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Woke up for the first time feeling like crap but I think that's just the realization that I have about 8 hours of homework to do tonight, I slept too much, and I have to wake up at 6:30 am for jury duty.  ugh.  Depressing!  It's ok though, I have no cravings or anything.  Just have to force myself to study and then force mysefl to sleep earlier than I usually do haha.  Agh.  Oh well, still and always clean...forever.  

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Pretty sure it's day 27!  Still cleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...and always period.  I love life...I love eating loads of food every day to get myself in bodybuilding shape, I love training, I love being with my girlfriend while not being high and just laughing with her, I love being with my friends and having the best conversations and some of the best laughs, I love laughing!, I love sitting around relaxing and watching movies, I love being free from drugs, I love God, I love my girlfriend's cat, I love feeling energy, strong, and clear headed all the time so I can make wise decisions in my life, I love having my libido back, I love being able to sleep 8-9 hours a night, I looooooove being clean!!!  

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Day 25...I think?  Still clean and sober...forever and ever and ever!  No mood swings, none of that post withdrawal syndrome garbage I was scared of, nothing but good times, good moods, good work outs...and a little cold virus...oh well life is never perfect and I'm ok with that. =)

[pensacolafl26]

Wow, couldn't have said it better. That is how i feel. I have never been to N.A, But A.A. ughh, i felt so icky at A.A. It was like a cult or something. and the ''camaraderie" did keep me sober, but reflecting back, none of those members kept me sober, b/c i went home alone! I studied and struggled alone. And the one that got me sober was me. And god. Prayer. But nobody telling me what a piece of **** i am ever helped to keep me sober, my daughter and me kept me sober, sobriety kept me saine

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Day 23:  I went to narcotics anonymous.  Disturbing...warm people but there was an air of disturbance that just bothered me.  I don't like to say "hi my name is george and i'm an addict"...I made a mistake in my life and I refuse to label myself.  If someone committed a crime and had to label themselves criminals for the rest of their lives, how would that equate in their mind?  I think it's wrong and I don't want anything to do with it....for the first time I felt a bit down like I was barely progressing coming back from NA.  It almost feels like they expect us to relapse and will pat me on the back and say it's ok it happens...let's try this again.  

THAT'S NOT HOW I DEAL WITH PROBLEMS.  I don't plan to make relapse an option.  I want to move on and close the chapter of drug use in my life because I was never that kind of person to begin with.  I was always a high achiever, a good student, a bodybuilder, I loved reading...and now I'm being labeled an addict.  I'd rather talk to my counselor who agrees with me every day and keep thinking positive, see my loved ones, enjoy life naturally, work out, and enjoy every minute of my life than go to a meeting where people are treating me as if I'm still addicted and still sick when I feel better than I ever did before and I feel like I conquered and defeated a demon.  If anything, I should be labeled a warrior...not a f-in addict.  It may work for some people to remind them of what they shouldn't be...but for me I'd rather remind myself of who I TRULY AM not an addict, a warrior that has trampled over the drugs and taken control of my own mind once again.  I know this isn't the convention but I was never part of the convention to begin with.  I don't hate NA because it works great for many people...but it's just not for me.   I'm too proud.  

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DAY 22!!!  My doctor checked me up today.  Unfortunately my blood pressure is still high 140/90 but I know why...I took clonidine for 2 weeks, 1st week of withdrawal and the second week to be safe...it causes rebound hypertension (high blood pressure) when you stop using.  Plus I was smoking cigarettes like a chimney when i was doing opiates and I was getting fat and wasn't working out so I think it's just a matter of time until all the healthy eating, working out, and supplements will get my blood pressure down to where it should be.  That's really the only issue now.  Besides that, I'm happy.  My energy is ridiculous...I don't think it's been this good even before using and I know that's because of my good eating habits (well relatively lol gotta have a little junk food here and there because I love food!!!) and my intense training.  So just a matter of time until I'm 110% healthy and on top of the world.  Plus, I really have no choice but to work out almost every day.  I need to be in tip top shape with a six pack for my job as a personal trainer in 2 months time.  So I need to keep kicking my *** in the gym and releasing those endorphins.  

All in all, I'm superman already and I plan on staying this way, no drug can ever give me the power to lift 95 lb dumbbells right over my head for 6 reps weighing in at 179 lbs!!  And that's with perfect form nice and slow lowering the weights almost to my shoulders!!!  This is where I need to get back to and I will.  I'm only at 75 lbers for 3-4 reps now so it's only a matter of time.  =)

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Technically day 21!!!  I feel meh today...but I expect bad days.  Everyone has their good days and their bad days.  Today just had a lot of negative energy around me...not coming from me but from people around me.  Just one of those days you know.  Nothing that will push me over the edge...so no one should worry about me.  I'm strong enough to realize that life is not perfect and I can't always have things the way I want...the pain of withdrawal taught me that 1000 fold.  I already knew to expect problems in life but after dealing with that kind of pain, other pain in life seems almost trivial at this point...esp. after feeling the pain of possibly losing the one I love during recover.  Life is hard...I don't expect it nor do I want it to be easy because that takes away from the challenge of making us stronger people.  We need our obstacles to move on to the next level and to eventually self actualize.  I am one thing though, despite having a crappy day, I'd say at this point in my life I'm happy.  Once I start having more money roll in with my new job, I'll be ecstatic!  Just a matter of time now.  With this money I have many plans:  

Help my father pay bills because he needs me and he deserves my help
Go on a damn nice vacation to europe with my girl!!
Possibly get a new car
Pay off my school loans
Be able to finally not feel like i'm scraping for money working with my dad to pay for food and bodybuilding supplements which is a necessity in my fitness goals

I have much left to do!  Maybe one day, I might want to even be a counselor to help people get off drugs just like my counselor helped me.  Talk about a rewarding career.  =)  

See ya'll on day 22!!!  

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Day 19!  My energy is holding totally stable and actually pretty damn high.  Couldn't possibly feel better.  Just focusing on homework and seeing my girl and friends.  It's amazing how good it feels to realize that there is something beyond the withdrawal worth living for.  =)

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Going to medieval times today with my girl!!  Day 18 hell yea!!

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Strange dreams plague me these days considering that I'm technically still in recovery.  Strange dreams of me getting these bags of heroin that look more like granulated plant matter and I end up snorting them in my dreams or the one I had last night where me and my girlfriend went to the southside of Chicago to score some heroin bags but most dealers would say nothing was available until later in the day.  And my girlfriend is totally straight and has no idea about my use and I plan to keep it that way now that I'm clean especially.  Strange, haunting, disturbing dreams...I know something out there is trying to test me.  I do believe in heaven and hell and I do believe in the devil.  I woke up a little disturbed today considering the dream I had.  Mostly because I wouldn't dare think about using at this point but I still have these dreams.  Anyway, I'm going to keep on with my day and ignore my cravings that just developed in the last few days but I still wouldn't dare touch the drugs.  

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Thanks buddy.  So far I feel more powerful than ever in my whole life but if anything happens I'll holler at you and at anyone else because it does help to talk to someone when I'm feeling like crap.  As strong as I was, I got too many signals...too many coincidences a pact with God that created a pathway with symmetrically placed obstacles that seemed too well placed to be there giving me some sort of clarity that made me almost wonder if what I went through was divine intervention because since the beginning of wanting to quit...things fell into place in ways I would never have expected.  So my pact with God is strong now.  I will beat this and I already feel I have because I'm on day 17 clean and clear and I'm looking better every day.  

[bigoc1655]

i amright were your at this is horrible i know but we can do it your on this sitr for a reason and that says it all im here to support u i have a baby on the way and that is all the motivation i nedd u can do it im here to talk anytime hang in there

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I wish nothing but incredible progress for you because of your kid.  You have something to fight for that you believe in like I said before.  And the sense of empowerment when your body comes back to normal...the feeling of being off drugs is BETTER than being on them.  You lose yourself being on drugs long enough, you will eventually get lazy like I did, lose interest in things you loved to do like I did, start being too relaxed in life, and your life has suddenly lost meaning, lost achievement, lost effort, and your kid ends up being neglected if you get too deep into the drugs.  Trust me...that's why my relationship had it's problems...it was partially my fault.  I never felt so good mentally and physically and I'm already snapped back to who I was before I used except with ENHANCEMENTS...more positivity, more energy, more motivation to accomplish in life because if you can get through withdrawal and take all the right supplements and exercise, you can conquer the world when your body comes back to normal.  My efforts sped me up into the future.  I'm I think on day 17...see I'm already losing track because the numbers mean nothing to me anymore since I feel better than I ever did before being hooked on heroin and the morphine in the pods...so think about that!   Think about how you will be super woman when you are done and you make sure you keep doing the exercises and supplements that will reboot your brain and make you feel fresh and reborn.  It's a great feeling trust me.  ***** at first...gets better and better to the point where you are almost quite literally reborn.  Talk about empowering...this changed me for the rest of my life.  

[pensacolafl26]

That's wonderful for you and your girlfriend. Hopefully me and my husband can make it through. Tough though our situation may be a little different. You'r edoing so great, you're one that keeps me motivated/
   thanks