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79998 tn?1291188201

I have relapsed with opiates....feel horrible

I did something totally different this time.  I was using the pods I was on less (opium plant pods) and switched to heroin about a month ago, while using pods here and there.  I worked my way up to 2-3 bags per day (20 dollars a bag) using them at one dose at night, or two doses within an hour because I felt nothing usually after about an hour.  I was snorting these.  The first time I tried cold turkey, I relapsed because I had the opium pods around.  I didn't get rid of them and after a week I figured I can use them here and there and not get addicted, horrible mistake.  This time, I got rid of the number I use to get the heroin, totally cut off all possibilities to get opium pods so there are none left at home and even took it a step further and got rid of the ultram which I had 20 pills of.  So I took my last dose of heroin (3 bags) on wednesday night, thursday I was fully clean, friday I was clean for half the day and then I started getting out of breath and got horrible anxiety (mind you I'm doing this alone) so I took one 50 mg ultram.  I still feel relatively ok physically.  I took that ultram at about 6 pm and it's now 1:56 am, still no physical symptoms except inability to sleep, a little runny nose, muscle aches that are tolerable, and here is the one I really have trouble with...horrible depression.  I never felt so horribly alone in my life...of course because no one knows that I used and no one knows that I'm withdrawing now as I took a week off to go through withdrawals.  I got rid of all the ultram (flushed it all down the toilet).  So now there is absolutely no turning back.  If I leave the house to even search a new spot for drugs (which knowing me is unlikely because of the high risk of getting caught), I will be questioned and either way, the car is in the shop so I can't even drive so I really have no possibility now.  

I just decided to come here because I never felt so horribly alone and depressed.  I cried my *** off yesterday because I thought my girlfriend was detaching from me...I'm still not so sure yet but she said she wants to work on our relationship and that she still loves me...so I had to hide all my damn emotions and act like I wasn't going to put up with her lack of love towards me and her distancing because I don't want to seem desperate (which I know will definitely drive any girl away).  So I told her, I will not be taken for granted like she said she did, and I will not work on this relationship unless she will work on herself (mind you she has anger problems, mild depression, and sometimes gets totally numb, doesn't even love her new kitten or her mom).  So she noticed that I'm not being a child about this and seemingly is ok with me now although the I love yous and warmth is taking time to get back.  I love her so much so first day of withdrawal I cried literally for two hours thinking of the great times I had and how I never want to be with anyone else in my life.  I still feel this sadness so this is the only place I can turn to.  If she knows I was on drugs and she is so against them, I'll definitely lose her so I'm suffering away from literally everyone in total silence and whenever she calls I have to be totally normal which I do pull off quite well.  I even come off happy and totally unshaken.  But aside from all that...it's odd because when I hit day two of withdrawal, before I took the ultram I was more emotionally stable but horrible physically unstable and breathing very hard.  Now it's about 8 hours into the ultram and I feel horribly emotionally unstable but physically stable.  I just want to know...considering my habit, how much more of this **** do I have to go through.  I hope someone can talk to me because I never in my life felt so alone and I will do anything at this point to get my old fit self back and to be in good condition so I can be the man to the woman I love deeply.  I have so much motivation now that I have no possibilities of using opiates, I at least feel good about that, but I still feel like I'm hell right now and I feel like crying and I can't sleep.  I hope this doesn't last for more than 3 more days beyond this because I need to get back to my life.  
118 Responses
79998 tn?1291188201
One more thing...is it true that all emotions that were being driven off while being on opiates comes right out during cessation of use?  I never was this bad in my whole life.  I was always an emotionally strong person.  I really need someone to say something becuase I'm stuck here.  I'm not going to sleep for at least a few days at this rate.  Please help, I'm doing this alone.  =(
401095 tn?1351395370
Well...sounds like u r extremely serious about quitting..flushing and all..I do know heroin sounds like an awful drug//cos it is a street drug...but it is almost the same as morphine snorted or shot up..it is do-able,,,ur dose is very do0-able..since u used at night//that is when u will feel the worst..i was a daytime user for nrg...so at night i felt normal during wds..lots has to do with when we used...some r day users..some night..some constant..but most have a mojor time they used even if it was spread out thru the day/night

Using isolates us from those we love...seems as if ur girlfriend detached as well?  It will be hard to discern these type of feelings until u actually FEEL again....and u will very soon..this passes..the mental part may take a bit..so be sure u r doing some type of aftercare

I also detoxed alone at home...sometimes it is best to be alone...if I woulda had a boyfriend,,i woulda have liked to have shared so he could help//i didnt/and if a person is not an addict they do not understand anyway..so perhaps it was for the best i did it alone

Have u read thru the health pages?  lots of great info there...thomas recipe rox...exercise even is just a walk can do wonders cos it kix in those much needed endorphins..hard as it may be..u gotta move...stay busy...if u feel a craving clean out a drawer..a closet..a walk..a draive...anything..just MOVE

There r lots of otc things for sleep..melatonin, valerian root, benadryl etc...most drts will call in phenergan if u have any tummy symptoms and phenergan will knock most out for the night

congrats on ur decision..and ur flushing!  many cant do what u did!  u r on ur way to cleandome...just be sure u seek support..it is crucial..meetings r everywhere..even counseling can be great..keep posting
79998 tn?1291188201
You are totally right.  I will need to get the counseling on top of all this...in private of course.  But I will get it this time.  No more mistakes.  This time I wasn't going to make a mistake, not like the first time.  It was hard as hell flushing those pills down.  But I did it regardless.  I prayed to God with tears like never before in my life.  It's hell knowing I'm doing this alone and feeling possibly delusional that my relationship is on the rocks.  Thing is, even when I was using, I was never ever detached with her.   I was super boyfriend.  I was always there, always full of energy.  Always positive.  It's just not real though, and I noticed that it was catching up to me fast recently.  I was using too much money on drugs, getting lazy, and boy did I feel guilty that I couldn't take my girl out somewhere super nice and I was using small amounts of money for the usual dinner or movie.  Not good enough for me even if she isn't shallow.  That's just not how I treat my woman...I need to do better for myself and for her.  That was the first thing that sparked my need to change, the second thing was it just hit me "wow i'm going to the southside of chicago getting heroin for God's sake, something very wrong with this picture", that caused me to lie to her and everyone else...all these emotions of guilt, pain, and feeling as if I already lost her even though I didn't erupted badly at night on Thursday and once again this morning just a couple hours ago...these were feelings without a doubt of rock bottom...I finally hit rock bottom.  I'm so glad you posted.  I feel some hope.  Besides praying my *** off recently...I really needed someone, anyone to hear me!  This is definitely now without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I probably won't be able to tell my girl for a few years what happened as we are only one year and a few months fresh but I feel like I've known her my whole life.  I can't lose that.  The drugs don't compare to that feeling of need of a woman that touches your heart every time she looks you in the eye.  I'm done.
401095 tn?1351395370
She is very lucky..not many love so deeply...scorps/water signs do!   again she is very lucky

I always try to think about my mom...if what I was dont and she could see me???It made me realize it wasnt right...we have a soul that we were raised with//an inner self..and when what we do rocks that boat...we dont feel so great anymore..it just isnt any fun anymore..most hqave a breaking point...be it isolating, loss of a job, depression, going broke, getting into deep doo doo in some way..in a way we r lucky cos some d0o not have a breaking point..they just keep on and on and end up in jail or dead..or losing everything dear to them before they wake up and smell the roses..this doesnt get any better..only worse
meetings r everywhere...I go to AA//principles r the same as NA..google both..float around and listen..i found out stories that made my skin crawl..stories about whre this disease can take u if u do not stop...there r also counselers out there as well...addition books also helped me..."End my Addiction Now" was very informative as well as the NA book..I even read novels bout addiction like "A Million Little Pieces and "MY Friend Leonard"  "Running with Scissors" was good as well...for me learning what I had done/why I did it/and what to expect helped alot

one thing i do know...u need to have support..it is not the awful dirty secret u think it is..as time goes on u will realize it is not an "in the closet" thing/addiction..it is so very common,,u r not defective...remember that..and keep posting
79998 tn?1291188201
I just wish she felt that way, she is suffering from depression so like I said, she even loses love for her own mother and kitten that she just got.  I know it's a problem that needs medical attention, it seems to be lately.  She felt like she needed a break from me which surprised me because I was there for her all the time but the common problem that I totally didn't think of was that the relationship was good but not exciting and women lose interest fast in that case.  I wasn't as aggressive despite being a good person, I was before use that's for sure.  Just being nice isn't cutting it anymore, she needs spontaneity more aggression, I realized I can only do this off the drugs.  She definitely was crazy about me at some point, I need to respark that.  I did gain some weight so that could be another reason why.  So that's why this becomes double the difficulty because I have to get over withdrawal and win her over again almost.  I could've done withdrawal so much better without that but that's fate for you.  

And yea, I do consider myself lucky that I do have a breaking point now that I read what you said.   I didn't realize that at first, that some people don't have breaking points.  It happened to me before with pot in high school, I reached a breaking point after three years and quit.  It happened five years ago with a 2 month use of heroin...not nearly as much as my habit has built up now, it was like 4 bags a week only on weekends so no withdrawals.  Then now, after 9 months I believe, I hit another breaking point, it hit me so hard this time I couldn't possibly turn back.  The idea of not being with my woman and that being because of the drugs...oh wow, I would never forgive myself, I would probably plunge deeper into drugs so maybe I can see why people keep using because they feel maybe they've lost something so dear to them that it doesn't matter anymore.  I don't want to end up down that road so I must stop now...no other time but now is so crucial.  And I'm definitely going to look into those NA and AA meetings.  I definitely need the support.  There is no doubt there.  It feels good enough just talking to you online.  Imagine a whole group of people!  Thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me and how much it's helping.  I can't sleep so this is the only place I can turn.  I have the worst headache and I'm just letting time pass ever so slowly until it's all over.  
79998 tn?1291188201
Are horrible migraines part of withdrawal?  I'm definitely not going to sleep now.  This pain is ridiculous.  And I thought migraines were bad when I was not a user...it's so bad now and I'm starting feel like throwing up.  This really ***** bad.  
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