Not even close to offensive. Listen to me sometimes... Im kinda harsh. But lif still goes on.
Its an interesting question. I never had to chase the pills, I broke my back and can have them handed to me at the drop of a dime. I would run out on ocassion and that was never fun. But you want real.. Here it is. Ill only give 3 items...
1. I dont miss always having to carry my gun ( Ive sold a few). I got ripped off one time and it wasnt going to happen again. It came in handy more than I wished. I wasnt afraid of using it either. The worst part was explaining to my kids why papa always had his gun. Note: I have been quite ashamed of these past actions.
2. I dont miss spending time with people that were as messed as me. (I always called it the dope opera). Not a great group. Liars, thieves, and swindlers, and a few nuts people.
3. Mostly I dont miss going to bed every night in tears. In tears because I hated the life, I hated what I was doing to my family, And I hated not understanding how to stop it,
Ah, how could I forget the doctor hopping? I do not miss trying to find a doctor that would be willing to give me Oxys. Going to an urgent care center here, local ER there, going in with such high hopes, coming out elated if I got them, totally bummed and pissed if I didn't. Did I mention I was in violation of my pain management contract while doing all of this? Ugh.
Wow, thanks for being real. I got ripped off a few times also; the last time it happened it was really strange...I really didn't have any feelings about it except for being ashamed of *myself.* It was like, "Oh well, you got what you deserved." I knew I shouldn't be doing what I was doing, yet I was still doing it.
The last few days have been full of confessions: first to my counselor, then to my doctor and to Wifey, now to you guys, and to myself. I guess the shock hasn't worn off for me yet, cause every time I say something out loud or write something down, I sort of sit there for a minute and go, "Wow, have I really turned in to THAT?" I used to be such a tight wad with money, yet a week ago I had no problem blowing my entire paycheck. I have always been of very strong moral character, yet towards the end I found myself having thoughts about stealing in order to gain more pills. It's like WTF happened to ME?
Funny thing with you being in shock and getting all your crap out. Have you realized they already knew? that pi$4ed me off. Nothing worse than finding out your not even close to sneaky as you though. Check that box...
Great question, and I hope this is not offensive in any way, and please let me say from the beginning, my daughter had a really bad addiction to oxy...and meth...and whatever she could use..... So very unbelievable that she has 18 mons sober on 11/26 5 rehabs later, and a lot of pain, but she, as I hope you, will never give up, because you deserve a life of sobriety and health and all it means for a normal life.. can I please share what I don't miss??
1) hearing my girl puke her guts out every morning, and the times I held her as her body raked with heaving and not able to do one thing to help her..
2)not being afraid my child would be dead when I stood beside her or outside of her bedroom when she didn't move and breathing so very shallow
3) not hearing her cough like she is losing a lung
4) not searching for the pawn slips for my jewelry and any electronics she would sell for a pill
5) the irrational mood swings that come with addiction
6) hiding from me and her family because she is so ashamed.... because of the lies, stealing, drugs, behaviour
What I really want to share, is that yes it did take 5 rehabs, in patient 90 days, IOP for 3 months and meetings on a daily basis.....so much work for one so young, but addiction does not look at race religion creed or economics..
She today is doing phenomenal, still going to college (close to her degree whew) and working full time, attending meetings and my god she is clean and happy and healthy..... and yes sassy as she once was, altho in a good way.. IS every day good??? no yet neither is life for the most sober of people... it is good and bad and up and down, but oh so so manageable when you are straight.... when you think of the bad, please remember the good as well........... sometimes it is those thoughts that help us all, addict or not to hang on..........
Congrats to your daughter and you on her 18 months clean!! sara
Yeah, isn't that something? LOL when I finally told Wifey she was like, "Well, I was waiting for you to tell me." It was a shock. I thought I was soooo slick...well, not really. But I guess pill head thought that Wifey was stupid? I don't know.
We had gotten a large amount (well, large for *us*) of cash from a settlement a few weeks ago. About $300 went down the tubes to pills. When Wifey put the rest in the bank and asked me where the other $300 was, I played dumb. Hello, I have a degree in accounting and I keep a very close eye on my money. (Yet one more thing I don't miss...being robbed of my passion and my personality. Funny how willing I was to throw $$ out the window just to get high...) She asked me several times and each time I just played dumb. When I came clean and we talked about it, she said she "had her suspicions" but was waiting for ME to come to HER. I was amazed that she never once accused me...she said she knew I'd be furious at her, even though the accusations were true. She could tell that I was really serious about being clean only when I stepped up and told her about it.
Congrats to your daughter!! Sounds like you guys have been through it...
As someone on the other side of addiction, I simply can't imagine how our loved ones must feel. (Just as they can't imagine how us addicts feel.) Wifey and I used to fight about it (back when I was trying to taper but not quite ready) and I used to get so angry at her. I'd say, "You think you know it all but you just don't get it! These pills don't have your mind like they have mine." Now I realize that even though she's never personally been addicted, she still "gets it" because she gets ME. She loves me with all her heart and we've always felt an almost supernatural connection to one another.
Thank you for being there for her. People like you and Wifey may not literally know what it's like (and I hope you never find out), but at least you are there for us and love us unconditionally. That's what we truly need...
I don't miss the running out of pills too early and having to wait before I could get a refill....worrying about calling the pharmacy to see if my refill even got called in, then driving like a bat out of hell from work to the pharmacy to get them...my wife yelling at me because "you're slurring your words"...being a zombie,etc.
This is such a good topic. It's so important to remember how bad things were, and what we DONT miss, because it can be so easy to get caught in our heads romantisizing our old using days.
Here's what I don't miss:
--PLaying chemist with my feelings, taking uppers, then downers to balance it, then uppers to stay awake, then more downers to try to sleep at night, adderalll to study, oxycontin to be happy and energetic, xanax to relax, coke for energy, alcohol to party with friends, I always had to have something. Always having to try to "control" every aspect of myself with drugs. Now I go through my day and trust what is supposed to happen will happen and however I am feeling is how I am supposed to be feeling, and just know that those feelings and events are real and genuine. Not drug induced. That is a gift, to just be able to live freely.
-- The cycle of using, feeling so horrible about myself and what im doing to myself and my family, then using more to numb those feelings, then feeling even worse about myself, then using more to numb myself, and around and around.
--Worrying all day about whether I will have enough to get through the day, for the next morning, for whatever event or obligation I had throughout the day. Everything in my life was contingent upon whether I had oxycontin in my system
-- Lying and hiding out from people
--Being so disconnected from myself and the world, checking out and being numb to life.
--Not caring about anything or anyone
-- Wanting to die
--Literally decaying. Everyday was a day closer to death whereas now everyday I become more alive
--Being a prisoner to my drug
--The obsession of using
--Waking up in withdrawals
--Willing to do anything for oxycontin, I had to have it and would do anything to get it
--Hating the person I was
--Life of duplicity and lies
-- The dark and hopeless and shameful existence of an addict
The greatest gift I have now in sobriety. Not wanting to check out and be numb to the world. Today, I want to be present in my life. Present for the good, the bad, whatever it is, it is my life and I want to live it to the best of my ability and get the most out of the time I have.
Good topic. I don't miss:
-- How full of rage I would get when drinking
-- The violent behavior: cursing, swearing. spitting. punching holes in walls, breaking
furniture, storming through the house forcing my wife to cower in a corner, the fear in
my wifes eyes, my dog shaking out of fear
--Sleeping in the garage on twenty degree nights
-- Trying to control the drinking so I could go out and buy more
--Not taking care of myself: eating, sleeping, brushing teeth, showering, clipping nails
Wow, this has brought back some memories. Thanks! God Bless!!