What a Day (and it's only 9:45am)!

[CollyDog]

Hey Y'all - Not sure where to start but just needed to reach out to you guys today!  I am feeling pretty terrible physically again.  I am not sure whether there is something secondary going on or whether this is just round 10 of withdrawls.  I worked 18 hours yesterday, got home around midnight and had to spend most of the night in tub - haven't slept a wink either and the leg pains are as bad as ever.  Also, my appetite has gone away again and am suffering terrible feelings of zero motivation and that "cannot be bothered to do a thing" kinda feeling.  This is Day 10 without anything whatsoever in my system and I just thought it might be easier than this by now ~ is this normal or is there such a thing when coming off these danged pills?  It's very, very hard to have come this far and still feel so bad and I guess I am just reaching out for some reassurances and maybe some advice on what to do, where to go and how to handle?  Man, this is surely one of the hardest things I have ever gone thru and willpower alone isn't doing the trick right now.

Also, got home last night to find that my husband "needs time to think" and thus has taken a three-day fishing trip with his brother.  This is all OK with me as he needs to do what he needs to do to take care of him.  Of course, it maddens me though because I need him more than ever.  Maybe my symptoms are more emotional than physical and are manifesting themselves as severe withdrawal pains.  Heck, who knows, but I am struggling right now, badly. . .

Thoughts/suggestions/advice/support/help - all of the above would be soooooooooooooooooooooo desperately appreciated.

Hugs and love to all
Vicky xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[nurseintrouble]

Vicky,
Just now catching up on everyones posts.  How is your day going, any better?  One of the great things about being clean is how great s e x can be when you're not numb, I had forgotten ;)~~.  Maybe when your husband gets back he can remind you.

Well, I had a major accomplishiment today.  I switched my purse to match an outfit and when I was looking for a sinus tab (which I left in my other purse), I found 5mg of oxycodone (my fav.).  Anyway, I layed it on my desk and looked at it for about 10 minutes.  I really wanted to take it!  Then I got up and flushed it, I was hard, but I did it!

I have to get back to work, chat more later, take care,
C.

[lonote]

Hi ! I'm back from work, and I swear I need a highball. I think thats what mom and dad called a cocktail. That wasn't an 8 ball. hehe. Oh Loed. the inventoried the whole place today, all the bosses and thier bosses, and inventory ppl. And I'm just doing my job right up under the biggie, shakin like a leaf all day. Gimmme one of those valiums.They make me nervous and I'm not doing anything wrong.  I used to be a little s---. I out grew it somewhere along the lines. I guess I still have a guilty conscience. Boy, that guilt is a real motha.     Cathy

[retiredrn]

Thank you for your reply, it sounds like you and he are in it for the long haul and know how to best work your way through, best of luck.  My husband was a marine in Vietnam so I really feel for your husband, please give him my best as well.

[CollyDog]

Hey there - I don't we've spoken before.  Thank you for your concern and yes, you're correct that we have spent a lot of time apart due to one thing or another but no more time ever than when I am "using"!  I am the one who has pushed him away from me in every sense of the word and he's always the one who tries to make it back.  It's a very long and complex story but, even though I do need him now more than ever before, I trust his judgement that this is what he needs to do to gain strength, to come back stronger and be able to give me the support and love I so desperately need from him.  I posted yesterday that "unless I love myself, I am unable to give anything to anyone else" ~ well, I believe this works both ways.  He is hurt; he has been decived; I have lied to him consistently for two plus years; I recoil from him and have chosen pills before my marriage.  Unfortunately, we both have a lot of changing to do to make our marriage work but the first step is my wanting to get clean for me and not for him.  I am SO VERY DETERMINED and if he does choose to take this journey with me, then he needs to be strong enough for the ride (as I do).

Thanks for your words - I am feeling a little better this afternoon then I did this morning.  I ate food, which may not sound like much but the way I was feeling this morning, is huge.

[retiredrn]

It sounds like you and your husband have spent a lot of time apart, due to his service and your job.  Maybe that's why it seems ok that he needs his space.  My concern is that you have a need for him "more than ever" at this time and he chose to talk it over with his brother instead of you.  I really feel for you and hope you're doing better.

[CollyDog]

I meant to address that to "All the Fighters" not "All the Fighers"  - whoa, we definitely talk too much LOL xxxxxxxxx