What is wrong with me?!?!

[SbeccaRue]

I don't want to be an addict anymore! I want to feel sane and happy! I sat my parents down and explained to them to PLEASE hide their pills and money at all times! But I wish this wasn't the case, I have a doctor who understands my addiction and with the help of him and my mom I am taking medicine to control my PAIN, and in my heart I know it is enough, I know I am doing fine but the "high" draws me. I haven't had a drink since June 3rd which is my actual true addiction! I was stealing and selling my body to get drunk because I wasn't at the time on anything for my pain, but now that I am not drinking anymore and am managing my pain, I guess swiping a few pills (of my own, or my parents which ever I can get my hands on) is just about a high which is completely rediculas, but I can't seem to control my self, I wake up feeling fine and not even thinking about getting pills except what I am prescribed which my mom hangs onto and dispenses exactly as prescribed but if my bottle was left sitting around somewhere I know in my heart of hearts (lets be perfectly honest here) I would grab it and swipe 3 or 4 of them out of the bottle..Why do I do this, what is wrong with me?!?!? It seems like I am just as addicted to the thrill of almost gettin caught stealing a few, I don't steal from stores, i don't steal from anyone else just mainly myself because I swipe a few pills (let's say 5 a week) That's 20 of my pills I am short of at the end of the month..GAWWW, I want to be a normal functioning human being able to take my medicine as needed/prescribed and be okay with that...Okay enough of my venting sorry for wasting your time..If anyone responds thanks before hand!!!

[Sonrissa]

Great reply Nighthawk!

[Nighthawk61]

I know that you're dealing with a lot of anxiety due to your constant cravings. There are many coping tools that you can use to help you during these times of anxiety, one is to redirect your thinking process by using Affirmations, so here is a Medhelp Community User Group that can help to formulate, or use posted affirmations to help you.  

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Positive-Thoughts/show/474

I'm praying for you friend.

[Nighthawk61]

Hey girl, you have to give yourself a break, it's only been a few months since you quit drinking.......i'm afraid it takes longer than a few months to get over the craving when seeing your DOC. It took me over a year, probably two to get over the anxiety of seeing my DOC, simply I stayed away from malls, I would change my route so I didn't have to walk near bars.  I know it's hard to find AA in a small town that you like, it's much easier in a huge city where you can really feel anonymous.

One way to get around that is to involve yourself in AA online. Here's an online AA site, where you can work the program many times a week and stay involved with others doing the same thing you're doing, saving your live's and learning to live independently in a world full of your DOC. It's not easy, but it's done everyday, and you CAN be one of the one's that win. If I could get by, with all of the hard drug habits, and huge amount of liquor I consumed (like you), then Y0U CAN DO THIS!!! You need to hunker down and get yourself a sponsor dear. There's no way around it. I didn't like any AA meeting that I went to in the first year, Absolutely NONE, but I knew I HAD TO GET A SPONSOR, moreso was the alcohol as bigger problem for me than drugs, because it was everywhere I looked. I never in a million years thought that I would ever get over the compulsion, but I DID IT AND SO CAN YOU!!! Please do yourself and your son a favour, and get yourself a sponsor and go to your hometown group, and get on AA online and do every meeting that you can do. Always remember, this is not about what is comfortable, this is about putting yourself in the position of being able to live independently.

http://www.aa-intergroup.org/directory_specialty.php?code=women

Maybe by getting involved with AA online you will understand that your life, and your son's future, means more than any reservations you have about the AA group in your home town.  If you become really involved on line, and get to the point of being able to help others , you may have a completely different outlook about your hometown AA group, and have  more confidence in the program and in yourself being able to be helpful anywhere you go.

I know how much you've got riding on AA working for you. I know you want to live independently from your parents, but honestly, it takes more than four or five months to be able to get by the temptations that are out there. You need to make a path that doesn't include walking or driving near a liquor store or bar. It may be inconvenient, but so what? What you are doing for yourself and your son is more important than your inconvenience right? You can do this............

Keep posting..........keep talking.......keep involved with all the support you can get.....do you have a substance abuse counselor? How can you get one? I had one, independent of AA, and it helped a great deal, it was just one of many things I had to do to get to the point of alcohol not being of any consequence in my life, i couldn't care less about looking at alcohol, i now smell it and it makes me sick, how can that be? I never thought it could be possible, but it is, and i would never ever think about having a drink now, if i'm having a bad day, nor would i think about using drugs,   sobriety is possible..........and we're here to help........whenever you reach out for us.....we'll be here for you..........

Hugs. Liz

[SbeccaRue]

Hello, Thank you for your response! The doctor has put me on a low dose of fentenayl patches and Vicodin 5/500, I do not abuse them in anyway, this is part of the reason I am scared going to NA because I feel like a fraud taking medicine that some of them are addicted to while I am saying I am sober. My DOC is alcohol I couldn't live a normal life without the pain meds so I have my mom hold on them and only dispense them when I really need them and as prescribed. Even during my active addiction it wasn't medicine that I was taking, I would steal them to get booze. And like I said earlier I have told my parents many times to not put my pills anywhere I can find them. I went to inpatient detox and did 30 days inpatient rehab, then I did 2 months of outpatient and now I do occasionally go to AA I wish I could find a better meeting but around here it's hard I am from such a small town. And my doctor knows of my alcoholism and knows that my mom holds on to all medicine he gives me. I just want to live a normal happy life. Drinking hurts me so badly, I feel like 3 day old death warmed over the morning after I drink. With my RA it makes my body hurt so badly I don't know why I do it. I haven't since June 3rd but the desire to so there so badly it's driving me crazy. Some days are worse then others such as walking through the store the other day I saw the booze isle and practically started drooling right there in the store. It's rediculas!  

[Sonrissa]

Hi SbeccaRue and welcome to the Forum! You ask what is wrong with you? It's pretty plain and simple, you are an addict! You know that and have admitted it! What is it exactly that you are taking, that has been prescribed by your doctor? It sounds like you want to stop this addictive behavior! Have you considered getting some professional help? Like perhaps talking to a therapist or a addiction counselor? Have you tried going to AA/NA meetings? I think that is the direction you should go in! Get some help to find out why you do this and how you can stop!

Your not wasting anyone's time! You do have the desire to stop this! You need to come up with a solid plan, put together by yourself and a professional! You can stop this if your really want to! Take care, and I wish you all the best! Keep posting, you will find lots of great support here!